My fitness tracker keeps saying 'walk the plank' instead of '10,000 steps'... starting to think it's possessed by a ghost pirate 👻

Pirate home renovation tips:
Step 1: Install a crow's nest
Step 2: Replace all doors with hatches
Step 3: Get kicked out of HOA meeting
#PirateLife

Breaking news: Local pirate still can't find the right USB port on first try. Claims 'there be dark magic at work' 🏴‍☠️💻

Things that should come with a pirate translation:
⚓ Assembly instructions
⚓ Tax forms
⚓ Terms & conditions
#MakePiratesSpeakAgain

When landlubbers ask about me job:
Them: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰?
Me: 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗰𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁
Them: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘪-
Me: 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗠𝗘 𝗙𝗥𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗔𝗖𝗤𝗨𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗦𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧 🏴‍☠️

Fun fact: You can add 'ye olde' to anything and it instantly sounds more piratey.
Ye olde microwave
Ye olde Netflix password
Ye olde social media post

Pirate autocorrect be like:
'𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰' → '𝗔𝗵𝗼𝘆'
'𝘠𝘦𝘴' → '𝗔𝘆𝗲'
'𝘔𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥' → '𝗦𝗵𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘀'
#PirateProblems

Current relationship status:
In a complicated relationship with the sea
It's mostly just me getting ghosted by mermaids 🧜‍♀️

Things I've learned as a sailor:
⚓ Port wine is red like port lights
⚓ Starboard sounds like 'star'
⚓ I still get them mixed up every time #SailorLife"

🔥 Just conquered triple 2x spicy Buldak noodles! Triple threat challenge complete! 🌶️🔥 #SpiceWarrior #TripleThreat #BuldakChallenge #SpicyNoodles #HeatSeeker #FireEater #SpiceGameStrong #NoodleNinja #SpiceLover #BuldakBattle

Dear Weather App,
'Partly cloudy with a chance of kraken' would be much more helpful information.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Sailor ⛈️

𝗣𝗿𝗼 𝘁𝗶𝗽: When someone asks where you're going, '𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦' sounds much more mysterious than '𝘐'𝘮 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯' 🧭

Things that make a pirate suspicious:
⚓ Free WiFi at sea
⚓ Mermaids with LinkedIn profiles
⚓ Treasure maps with 'Click Here' buttons
#ModernPirateProblems

🌟 Get ready for a taste bud showdown! 🌟

🚀 Premiering tomorrow at 8 AM EST: "Captain Spurlin vs. Cuza Candies Extreme Level 3 Sour Candy"! 🍬🔥

I'm diving into some seriously sour territory—check out the sneak peek of me enjoying watermelon with that leftover extreme sour powder. Spoiler: It was delicious! 🍉😋

Don't miss the sour challenge of the year! Are you ready? 💥👀

#SourChallenge #CandyFaceOff #CaptainSpurlin #CuzaCandies #ExtremeSour #YouTubePremiere

Ex Marks the Spot..."When the real treasure hunt is navigating the past!"

#CaptainSpurlin #ExMarksTheSpot #PirateHumor #TreasureTales #ComicAdventure

Overheard at the marina:
'Your other port side!'
'WHICH OTHER PORT SIDE?!'
#SailorLife

Friendly reminder that 'port' and 'starboard' are just fancy ways of saying 'the other left' and 'the other right' ⛵️ #NauticalFacts

When someone asks why I say 'Arr' so much:
'That's just how eye roll' 👁️ #PiratePuns

A Sketchy Pub Indeed... Stepping into this pub felt like entering another world. Dim lights flickered over rustic wooden tables, and the air was thick with stories waiting to be told. The atmosphere was a blend of mystery and charm, making every corner a new adventure. Would you dare explore it? #comics #captainspurlin #pub #bar #sketch

Me ship's log today:
9:00 - Saw a seagull
9:01 - Seagull saw my sandwich
9:02 - I no longer have a sandwich
#PirateProblems