I’m going to move servers to @Alice@beige.party which means I’ll also be moving my toots. Apologies in advance for the repetition as I try to consolidate everything.

I intend to re-follow everyone over there, but please let me know if I missed you.

Ikea should prioritize their instructions by what can be done from least drunk to most drunk.

ME: Waterboarding implies the existence of Earthboarding, Airboarding and Fireboarding

THE CIA: Go on

@Stoned_Deva_ Bailey-boo looks so sweet. I had to say goodbye to my cat, Pixel, earlier in the month. Sending as much love as an internet stranger can possibly give.

GENIE: what is your first wish

JOE: i want to be rich

GENIE: granted. and what is your second wish

RICH: i want lots of money

Business in front, law firm specializing in personal injury lawsuits in the back

My daughter: How does Santa know where we are?

Me: He can track our heat signature, like the Predator.

This milkshake is a little too viscous but I’m just going to have to suck it up.

Adam’s breakup song to Eve: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back.

#chilis #barbecuesauce

@itsBabySmith. Because of this, I seriously think I’m team aluminum foil from this point forward. Plus, after you open presents, you can use it to ensure your cinnamon rolls don’t stick to the pan.

Ever since the start of COVID, I’ve gotten really good at only touching surfaces with my sleeve. Unfortunately, I’ve also gotten really good at only touching my face with the very same sleeve.

If you want to buy any of my charts or diagrams, I’m now accepting Vennmo.

Unpopular opinion: I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school.

I’m sorry for the recent influx in posts. It’s the holidays and this is how I cope. Things will calm down once I no longer need to hide from my family.

Santa: all the reindeer were stranded in the mountains? then what happened? where are the others?

Donner: *sobbing*

@UnFitz this is seriously the best thing I have ever read on the internet.

Mall Santa: Come take a photo with me!
Me: Okay.
Mall Santa: That’ll be $20.
Me: Oh wait what? I just assumed you were a fan who wanted to take a photo with ME.

@MeeMee you just reminded me about this time when I started coughing an an old lady offered me a cough drop. When I accepted, she proceeded to pull a tissue from her bra and unfolded it to expose a handful of unwrapped cough drops.

The cashier at The Gap was so insistent that my clearance item was non-returnable that I'm becoming paranoid that this cardigan may be possessed.

Just as there's a gymnast's build and a ballerina's frame, I think it's safe to say that I've got a bingo bod.