If you can't handle my castle of empty Diet Coke cans & pizza boxes then you don't deserve me when I finally get this gum out of my hair.

There comes a point in your life where you have to accept that whatever smells good that someone else is cooking- is probably garlic and onions. It is a right of passage as an adult. It is only once we accept this that we are truly free.

"You don't have to wear a face mask anymore" Ah, well... you didn't have to replace your brain with bees but here we are

People are way too comfortable in general telling others what they should and should not eat. Unless you live in someone's body, you don't actually know what is "healthiest" for them. I know people with food intolerances and allergies. I know people who need specific amounts of salt or they will literally faint. Just let people decide for themselves what they should be eating.

RE: https://www.threads.net/@michaelulloapt/post/C-cWm4qor8z

Dating a writer is wild because he'll be busy writing his very serious professional novel and then I'll message him like "sweetie, can you read my Neopets fanfiction? please?"

The Sims is the most realistic video game because my Sim just got struck by lightning and then immediately went to eat a hamburger to cope with it instead of going to the hospital.

Date someone who says things like:

• Drive safe
• Text me when you get home
• I miss you
• One night while I was eating fries outside of a 7-11, Keanu Reeves walked up, asked to borrow a french fry & then proceeded to eat fries out of my hand like a baby deer
• I'm proud of you

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should've figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Republicans are wild because they firmly believe that other people are dramatic & overreacting when they try to take human rights and freedoms away- but have an absolute temper tantrum meltdown and soil their diapers when you make a joke about a couch.

What doesn't kill you makes you spend an embarrassing amount of money on impulse purchases online.

Another day pretending to be a faerie princess ✨

Elon Musk is suing advertisers that don't want to advertise on Twitter and it's like, honestly, I get it, Elon. I wish corporations that are currently not giving me money- would give me free money too.

ME: [has chronic pain] I am in pain

SOME GUY: You think you're in pain now? Wait until you're older!

ME: Ahhh, thank you, I am cured

"Why are you still wearing a face mask in public?" Because I don't want to get sick. I hope that clears things up for you.

ME: I am chronically ill so my illness is chronic as in permanent as in forever as in it's never going away and I will be living with this for the rest of my life and-

FRIEND: get well soon

ME: w-what

"You'd look better without make-up" You've never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

The sluttiest thing a man can do is offer you the dill pickle that came with his sandwich because he doesn't want to eat it but also doesn't want to contribute to food waste

I’m so hungry I could eat my own cooking.

Sick of my cat ignoring current events

ME: [existing off of coffee & 4 hours of sleep per night] why am I so anxious all of the time? it is a mystery...