TheJestPress

TheJestPress.com - A satire news media website delivering humorous and satirical takes on current events, parodying real-world news.

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-10-08

Hamas Ups Prisoner Demands, Israel Considers Drawing Serious Red Line Drama

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Hamas Demands Release of Prominent Prisoner, Israel Runs Out of Red Sharpies to Draw More Lines** In a stunning display of “Wait, *you* actually think that’s negotiable?” Hamas leadership has officially demanded the release of a prominent Palestinian prisoner, marking the 74th “absolutely…

thejestpress.com/2025/10/08/ha

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-30

Three Scottish Brothers Row Pacific So Fast Even Fish Are Confused

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Three Scottish Brothers Set World Record for Fastest Pacific Row, Still Can’t Agree on Whose Turn It Is to Do the Dishes** In news bound to make both Neptune and every Scottish mum proud, three Scottish brothers have set a new world record for the fastest row across the…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/30/th

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-30

Appeals Court Slaps Trump’s Tariffs with a Big Unlawful Stamp

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump’s Global Tariffs Are Officially Unlawful, Court Decides—Somewhere, a Trade War Sighs in Relief** In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps a few confused customs officials and a particularly patriotic bald eagle, a U.S. appeals court has officially declared that former…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/30/ap

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-30

Appeals Court Slaps Trump’s Tariffs with a Big Unlawful Stamp

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump’s Global Tariffs Are Officially Unlawful, Court Decides—Somewhere, a Trade War Sighs in Relief** In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps a few confused customs officials and a particularly patriotic bald eagle, a U.S. appeals court has officially declared that former…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/29/ap

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-29

Kash Patel’s Ex-Agent Drama: Spy Games Turn Into Courtroom Comedy

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: Breaking News: Kash Patel’s Girlfriend Sues Ex-FBI Agent for Accusing Her of Being an ‘Israeli Spy,’ Insists She Can’t Even Spell ‘Mossad’ WASHINGTON D.C. – In a legal twist fit for a Tom Clancy fan fiction forum, the girlfriend of FBI director Kash Patel has filed a lawsuit against a former FBI agent for…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/29/ka

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-29

Trump Slashes Harris’ Secret Service Detail Because Why Not, Biden Still Confused

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump Cancels Kamala Harris’ Secret Service Detail, Says ‘She’s Got Enough Security With All Those Fly Swatters’** In what pundits are calling “bold, brash, and possibly borrowed from the plot of a slapstick movie,” former President Donald Trump reportedly canceled…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/29/tr

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-29

Cheap Stuff Takes a Hit as US Finally Charges for Global Bargain Roulette

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **End of an Era: Billions of Packages of ‘Cheap’ Goods Shipped to the US Now Inspire Existential Dread Over Steep Tariffs** America’s national pastime isn’t baseball, it’s hitting “Buy Now” at 2 a.m. on yet another LED cat lamp. Sadly, millions of Americans awoke this week to discover…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/29/ch

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-29

Memphis Officers Get Encore Performance in Unwanted Courtroom Drama

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Memphis, TN** – In what legal experts are describing as “Groundhog Day with more paperwork,” a judge has ordered a brand new trial for three Memphis ex-officers accused in connection with the 2023 beating death of Tyre Nichols. The officers, who have now collected more court dates…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/28/me

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-28

River Thames Finally Gets Dream Job: Evicts Giant Wet Wipe Island

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: LONDON – In a dazzling display of British resourcefulness and a dash of international embarrassment, authorities have finally launched a mission to remove Britain’s biggest accidental tourist attraction: “Wet Wipe Island,” floating serenely (and occasionally oozing) in the River Thames. For years,…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/28/ri

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-28

CDC Gives Up Counting Food Poisoning—The Mystery Gets Tastier

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **CDC Dramatically Scales Back Food Poisoning Tracking Program; Leftovers Nationwide Panic** ATLANTA, GA – In a move cheered by microwaved shrimp quesadillas everywhere, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced yesterday that it will dramatically scale back its program tracking food poisoning…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/28/cd

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-28

Milei Dodges Rocks and Scandals Like a Pro on Campaign Trail

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Argentina’s President Milei Pelted With Rocks, Blames Gravity for Falling Approval Ratings** In what some are calling “the literal rock-bottom” of his career, Argentina’s President Javier Milei found himself the not-so-proud recipient of airborne geological critiques while on the campaign trail this week.…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/28/mi

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-28

Argentinian President Leaves Rally Early Thanks to Passionate Pebble Protesters

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Argentinian President Javier Milei Leaves Rally After Protesters Throw Rocks, Unveils New Olympic Sport** In what political experts now call “Granitegate,” Argentinian President Javier Milei made headlines yesterday after leaving his own rally following a…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/27/ar

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-27

Canada’s Mass Grave Beliefs Drop to 37%, Skeptics Throw Maple Syrup

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Canada, 63% No Longer Believe in Mass Graves in Schools—Now Suspect It’s Just Where They Buried All the Homework** OTTAWA – In a stunning reversal, recent polls reveal that 63% of Canadians now believe the "mass graves at schools" stories were just elaborate covers for a far more nefarious plot:…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/27/ca

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-27

Nevada’s Websites Get Hacked, State Officials Pretend It’s Just a Glitch

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Nevada Officially Declares State Motto: "What Happens In Nevada, Stays In Cyberspace" After Historic Cyberattack** Carson City, NV — Nevada state government learned a hard lesson about two things this week: the importance of cybersecurity, and never, ever clicking that email…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/27/ne

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-27

Florida OJ Crisis: Canadians Stage Citrus Boycott, Juice Shipments Squeeze

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **** In a shocking twist threatening the very vitamin C balance of North America, U.S. exports of Florida orange juice to Canada have plummeted faster than your blood sugar after a kale smoothie. Investigators discovered the cause wasn’t tariffs, climate change, or even a global…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/27/fl

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-27

Cracker Barrel Rolls Back Logo, Because Nostalgia Is Deliciously Predictable

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Cracker Barrel to Return to Its Old Logo After Backlash—Public Rejoices, Grandpa Finally Stops Yelling at Clouds** After a short-lived experiment with a sleek, modern logo that featured a minimalist barrel and what appeared to be a hipster with a man bun, Cracker Barrel has…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/26/cr

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-26

Elon Musk Accidentally Becomes Unwanted Curator of Child Abuse Victim’s Photos

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Child Sex Abuse Victim Begs Elon Musk to Remove Links—Musk Offers Rocket Ship Instead** In an emotional plea that somehow doesn’t require blue-check verification, a child sex abuse victim recently begged tech overlord Elon Musk to remove links to images of her trauma from his rebranded…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/26/el

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-26

Utah’s Political Puzzle Gets New Pieces After Judge’s Redraw Ruling

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Utah Judge Orders Congressional Map Redrawn, Suggests Giant Game of Twister Instead** SALT LAKE CITY—In a landmark decision that sent spill-proof coloring books soaring off store shelves, a Utah judge this week ordered state lawmakers to "put down the crayons and try again" with…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/26/ut

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-26

Elon Musk Blames Apple and OpenAI for AI’s Terrible Monopoly Dance

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: In a legal move that surprised absolutely no one, billionaire, Twitter hobbyist, and part-time Dogecoin whisperer Elon Musk has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Apple and OpenAI. His charge? That the pair are — in Musk’s exact words — “hogging all the good robots and leaving everyone else with the…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/26/el

TheJestPressthejestpress
2025-08-26

Trump Fires Fed Governor Cook, Declares War on Central Bank Monopoly

By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump Claims He’s Fired Fed Governor Lisa Cook, Central Bank Wonders Who Gave Him the Office Keys** In a surprising turn of events that only surprises those who haven’t paid attention for the last eight years, former President Donald Trump announced today that he has “fired” Federal Reserve…

thejestpress.com/2025/08/25/tr

Client Info

Server: https://mastodon.social
Version: 2025.07
Repository: https://github.com/cyevgeniy/lmst