TheJestPress.com - A satire news media website delivering humorous and satirical takes on current events, parodying real-world news.
Hamas Ups Prisoner Demands, Israel Considers Drawing Serious Red Line Drama
#Satire #MiddleEast #DiplomacyDrama #BreakingNews #RedLinesCrossed By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Hamas Demands Release of Prominent Prisoner, Israel Runs Out of Red Sharpies to Draw More Lines** In a stunning display of “Wait, *you* actually think that’s negotiable?” Hamas leadership has officially demanded the release of a prominent Palestinian prisoner, marking the 74th “absolutely…
Three Scottish Brothers Row Pacific So Fast Even Fish Are Confused
#RowRowRowYourBro #ScottishSeaSiblings #WorldRecordWaves #OarDinaryBrothers #PacificPaddlePals By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Three Scottish Brothers Set World Record for Fastest Pacific Row, Still Can’t Agree on Whose Turn It Is to Do the Dishes** In news bound to make both Neptune and every Scottish mum proud, three Scottish brothers have set a new world record for the fastest row across the…
Appeals Court Slaps Trump’s Tariffs with a Big Unlawful Stamp
#TrumpTariffs #GlobalTradeOops #CourtroomComedy #LawAndOrderish #SadTariffs By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump’s Global Tariffs Are Officially Unlawful, Court Decides—Somewhere, a Trade War Sighs in Relief** In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps a few confused customs officials and a particularly patriotic bald eagle, a U.S. appeals court has officially declared that former…
Appeals Court Slaps Trump’s Tariffs with a Big Unlawful Stamp
#TrumpTariffs #GlobalTradeOops #CourtroomComedy #LawAndOrderish #SadTariffs By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump’s Global Tariffs Are Officially Unlawful, Court Decides—Somewhere, a Trade War Sighs in Relief** In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps a few confused customs officials and a particularly patriotic bald eagle, a U.S. appeals court has officially declared that former…
Kash Patel’s Ex-Agent Drama: Spy Games Turn Into Courtroom Comedy
#Satire #FBI #SpyGames #DefamationDrama #LegalLaughs By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: Breaking News: Kash Patel’s Girlfriend Sues Ex-FBI Agent for Accusing Her of Being an ‘Israeli Spy,’ Insists She Can’t Even Spell ‘Mossad’ WASHINGTON D.C. – In a legal twist fit for a Tom Clancy fan fiction forum, the girlfriend of FBI director Kash Patel has filed a lawsuit against a former FBI agent for…
Trump Slashes Harris’ Secret Service Detail Because Why Not, Biden Still Confused
#WhiteHouseWonders #SecretServiceShuffle #KamalaUnplugged #TrumpTactics #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump Cancels Kamala Harris’ Secret Service Detail, Says ‘She’s Got Enough Security With All Those Fly Swatters’** In what pundits are calling “bold, brash, and possibly borrowed from the plot of a slapstick movie,” former President Donald Trump reportedly canceled…
Cheap Stuff Takes a Hit as US Finally Charges for Global Bargain Roulette
#Satire #TariffTantrum #OnlineShopping #AmericaFirstPrices #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **End of an Era: Billions of Packages of ‘Cheap’ Goods Shipped to the US Now Inspire Existential Dread Over Steep Tariffs** America’s national pastime isn’t baseball, it’s hitting “Buy Now” at 2 a.m. on yet another LED cat lamp. Sadly, millions of Americans awoke this week to discover…
Memphis Officers Get Encore Performance in Unwanted Courtroom Drama
#JusticeReheated #MemphisMayhem #TrialTakeTwo #LegalDejaVu #SameCourtDifferentDay By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Memphis, TN** – In what legal experts are describing as “Groundhog Day with more paperwork,” a judge has ordered a brand new trial for three Memphis ex-officers accused in connection with the 2023 beating death of Tyre Nichols. The officers, who have now collected more court dates…
River Thames Finally Gets Dream Job: Evicts Giant Wet Wipe Island
#WetWipeIsland #ThamesCleanup #EcoSatire #WipeOut #LondonLitter By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: LONDON – In a dazzling display of British resourcefulness and a dash of international embarrassment, authorities have finally launched a mission to remove Britain’s biggest accidental tourist attraction: “Wet Wipe Island,” floating serenely (and occasionally oozing) in the River Thames. For years,…
CDC Gives Up Counting Food Poisoning—The Mystery Gets Tastier
#CDC #FoodPoisoning #HealthNews #Satire #SafeEats By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **CDC Dramatically Scales Back Food Poisoning Tracking Program; Leftovers Nationwide Panic** ATLANTA, GA – In a move cheered by microwaved shrimp quesadillas everywhere, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced yesterday that it will dramatically scale back its program tracking food poisoning…
Milei Dodges Rocks and Scandals Like a Pro on Campaign Trail
#Argentina #Milei #Corruption #PoliticalSatire #RockThrowing By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Argentina’s President Milei Pelted With Rocks, Blames Gravity for Falling Approval Ratings** In what some are calling “the literal rock-bottom” of his career, Argentina’s President Javier Milei found himself the not-so-proud recipient of airborne geological critiques while on the campaign trail this week.…
Argentinian President Leaves Rally Early Thanks to Passionate Pebble Protesters
#ArgentinianPolitics #PoliticalRockstars #MileiVsGravity #DemocracyWithPebbles #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Argentinian President Javier Milei Leaves Rally After Protesters Throw Rocks, Unveils New Olympic Sport** In what political experts now call “Granitegate,” Argentinian President Javier Milei made headlines yesterday after leaving his own rally following a…
Canada’s Mass Grave Beliefs Drop to 37%, Skeptics Throw Maple Syrup
#Satire #CanadaNews #ConspiracyHumor #EducationTruth #GraveMistake By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Canada, 63% No Longer Believe in Mass Graves in Schools—Now Suspect It’s Just Where They Buried All the Homework** OTTAWA – In a stunning reversal, recent polls reveal that 63% of Canadians now believe the "mass graves at schools" stories were just elaborate covers for a far more nefarious plot:…
Nevada’s Websites Get Hacked, State Officials Pretend It’s Just a Glitch
#NevadaOffline #CyberAttack #DigitalDisaster #404StateFound #SilverStateShutdown By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Nevada Officially Declares State Motto: "What Happens In Nevada, Stays In Cyberspace" After Historic Cyberattack** Carson City, NV — Nevada state government learned a hard lesson about two things this week: the importance of cybersecurity, and never, ever clicking that email…
Florida OJ Crisis: Canadians Stage Citrus Boycott, Juice Shipments Squeeze
#OrangeJuiceCrisis #FloridaManExports #CanadianTastebuds #JUICYNEWS #SipOrSkip By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **** In a shocking twist threatening the very vitamin C balance of North America, U.S. exports of Florida orange juice to Canada have plummeted faster than your blood sugar after a kale smoothie. Investigators discovered the cause wasn’t tariffs, climate change, or even a global…
Cracker Barrel Rolls Back Logo, Because Nostalgia Is Deliciously Predictable
#CrackerBarrel #LogoBacklash #OldIsGold #BrandingBlunders #DesignDrama By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Cracker Barrel to Return to Its Old Logo After Backlash—Public Rejoices, Grandpa Finally Stops Yelling at Clouds** After a short-lived experiment with a sleek, modern logo that featured a minimalist barrel and what appeared to be a hipster with a man bun, Cracker Barrel has…
Elon Musk Accidentally Becomes Unwanted Curator of Child Abuse Victim’s Photos
#ElonActs #XHibitA #DeleteItElon #TechnoTakedown #NotSoFreeSpeech By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Child Sex Abuse Victim Begs Elon Musk to Remove Links—Musk Offers Rocket Ship Instead** In an emotional plea that somehow doesn’t require blue-check verification, a child sex abuse victim recently begged tech overlord Elon Musk to remove links to images of her trauma from his rebranded…
Utah’s Political Puzzle Gets New Pieces After Judge’s Redraw Ruling
#UtahRedraw #GerrymanderGiggles #Mapocalypse #PoliticalPuzzles #SatireJurisdiction By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Utah Judge Orders Congressional Map Redrawn, Suggests Giant Game of Twister Instead** SALT LAKE CITY—In a landmark decision that sent spill-proof coloring books soaring off store shelves, a Utah judge this week ordered state lawmakers to "put down the crayons and try again" with…
Elon Musk Blames Apple and OpenAI for AI’s Terrible Monopoly Dance
#ElonVsFruit #AIWars #OpenAIrony #BigTechDrama #LawsuitLulz By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: In a legal move that surprised absolutely no one, billionaire, Twitter hobbyist, and part-time Dogecoin whisperer Elon Musk has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Apple and OpenAI. His charge? That the pair are — in Musk’s exact words — “hogging all the good robots and leaving everyone else with the…
Trump Fires Fed Governor Cook, Declares War on Central Bank Monopoly
#TrumpFiresFed #BattleoftheBank #LisaCook #SatireNews #YoureFiredAgain By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: **Trump Claims He’s Fired Fed Governor Lisa Cook, Central Bank Wonders Who Gave Him the Office Keys** In a surprising turn of events that only surprises those who haven’t paid attention for the last eight years, former President Donald Trump announced today that he has “fired” Federal Reserve…