It never ceases to amaze me how even if one is wholly unprepared for ritual, ritual is prepared for you.
Try as I might in the lengthy lead-up to the “days of awe” that begin with our new year, Rosh Hashanah, I couldn’t muster feelings for the shift from 5785 to 5786, much less planning, during these christofascist times marked by the worst kind of awe: “fear mixed with dread”; fear inspired by authority.” Yet I went through the motions, with a friend, of setting up a time and date (today) and location (by a lake) for tashlich, which we titled “casting off fascism, ushering in sweet transformation.” Then, beyond sharing the invite, we did nothing.
This morning, on what still felt like more of the same bad news of 5785, even if it was already 5786, I woke with the dread of having to actually host tashlich. My friend had had an awful week, and had no capacity to pull anything together. Mostly I just wanted to see them and schmooze+kvetch, and not have the responsibility of holding ritual space, and not reflect on the year past and the year ahead, and not have the constant buzzing of anxiety get that much louder when thinking about what the world will/might look like in 5787. Instead, I borrowed a bright-orange scarf, keffiyeh, and the one queerly Jewish thing I could scavenge from my sister’s apartment where I’m currently cat sitting, and then schlepped to a co-op to get just enough ritual foods to make a picnic table look even remotely like it was ready for this new year—even if I wasn’t.
When I met my friend for setup, the first thing we saw were giant, brilliant-yellow mushrooms (last photo). The four folks who showed up to our anarchistic gathering brought still-warm homemade challah—round, as we’ve circled a year; a shofar—which when blown, was answered by the honks of geese; more apples and honey—for sweetness to be abundant; a DIY new year guide we read from; and the fullness of themselves, as we shared what we wanted to cast off and invite in, tossing sticks and flowers into the water. As if joining us, sandhill cranes, ducks, and a non-rain-rainbow appeared. And as if by sacred magic, ritual brought forth life, preparing me a bit more for 5786.