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Chronic illness and sick leave guilt
Mid 30's, 2 years of civ service + 7 bought back. I never, ever thought I'd have a debilitating medical issue at my age, but I have chronic migraines from a severe head injury when I was in the military, which ultimately forced me to medically retire as I require a refrigerated monthly injection (I was blessed enough to get 100% VA and 60% DOD, which is a lifesaver because my medication is over $800 for a single shot). Big military does not like that because I can't have that in the austere environments. Of course, neurologists and neurosurgeons can never really say for 100% certain WHY I get them, but the prognosis for my chronic migraines was the head injury based on timeline and other factors.All of this to say, I take more sick leave than my friends/coworkers. Most have 100+ hours built up. I rarely have more than 20 and sometimes less because of my migraines. Right now I have the most in a long time being barely above 30 (lol). With medication, I have gone from 7-10+ debilitating migraines to 2 or 3 at worst. I have gone into work a few times with a migraine before to try and save my leave, but it just makes it worse. I am not going to do that anymore.AL is different and I try to only touch it for one yearly vacation with my family. Before this recent summer vacation, I was nearly at 200 hours. For a bit of comedy, I actually had a migraine for a day and half of the most recent vacation!My supervisor is an incredible person. He has the mantra of if you're not feeling well in any capacity, just let me know and that's that. However, I always have severe guilt when I take sick leave. I feel like I am building a perception of I don't want to be at work and don't care about helping my team. I feel terrible every time, especially because my peers have as many hours as they do, especially the feds in their late 40's and 50's with HUNDREDS of hours.All it's going to take is one life-altering medical event that requires me to be absent for weeks or months and I am in big trouble. This is a terrible fear that compounds and only adds to my sick leave worries.I just wanted to get that off of my chest. For anyone that took the time to read this, thank you.
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