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Has your past self ever showed up and ruined your promotion? Did a future version of you steal your spouse? Are you tired of alternate timeline versions of yourself claiming they own your quarters? Then you need...
TEMPORAL INSURANCE ASSOCIATES! The only time-travel insurance provider licensed to operate across all known timelines, alternate realities and quantum paralell dimensions!
Listen. We get it. You're just trying to live your life, do your duty, maybe even get promoted to LtCmdr someday and then BAM. You run into yourself from three years in the future who warns you to not go on that away mission. Now you've got a temporal paradox on your hands, Starfleet Temporal Investigations breathing down your neck, and you're pretty sure you just caused the Eugenics wars to happen 15 years ealier. Who is gonna pay for that? Not Starfleet, that's for sure. They barely even hand out replicator rations.
That's where Temporal Insurance Associates comes in. We've been protecting Federation citizens from chronological mishaps since stardate... well, it depends which timeline you're asking about, but trust us, we've been around. Or will be around. Or are currently around in multiple time periods simultaneously. The point? Well, we often don't have one but we do know time travel and that apparently is quite profitable to you huumaaaans...
Our comprehensive coverage protects you from all manner of temporal incidents. Accidentally created an alternate timeline where the Borg assimilated Earth in the 21st century? We've got you covered. Ran into your great-great-grandmother and accidentally prevented your own birth? Our patented Grandfather Paradox Protection Plan will sort that right out. Got trapped in a time loop and lived the same day forty-seven times? We'll compensate you for all those repeated shifts. That's right, we pay for duplicate work. Because if you lived it, you should get paid for it, even if it technically didn't happen in the prime timeline. Cope you whiny bitches… Alternate timeline property disputes? Covered. Injuries sustained from your evil mirror universe counterpart? Covered. Lost income due to being stuck in the past for three months before Starfleet could retrieve you? Covered.
Our claims process is simple. Just contact us at any point in the timeline, past, present, or future. Our agents exist in a state of temporal flux and can meet with you whenever is convenient, which is always now, relatively speaking. We'll dispatch a claims adjuster who will review your temporal incident, consult with our staff of Q-certified temporal mechanics, and have your claim processed before you even have it filed. Sometimes we pay out claims before the incident even happens. We're that good. Hehehe it’s scary.
And here's the best part! Our premiums are locked in at your current timeline rate. That means even if you accidentally cause the Federation to fall and get replaced by the Terran Empire, you're still paying the same monthly rate. Try getting that deal from those hacks at Chrono-Care. They'll drop you the second you create a bootstrap paradox and expect you to pick them up by yourself. So… don't let temporal mechanics ruin your career. Sign up for Temporal Insurance Associates today. Because in space, no one can hear you scream... about causality violations.
WARNING: Temporal Insurance Associates is not responsible for temporal incidents caused by intentional violations of the Temporal Prime Directive. Coverage does not extend to incidents involving Guardian of Forever usage without proper authorization, Q-related temporal shenanigans, or any situation involving tribbles and time travel because we learned our fucking lesson about that one.
Policies may be retroactively voided if your timeline ceases to exist. If you find yourself in a timeline where Temporal Insurance Associates never existed, that's not our problem, that's a you problem. We are not liable for any psychological trauma resulting from meeting alternate versions of yourself, discovering you're adopted from the future, or learning that your entire existence is a predestination paradox. Side effects of temporal insurance coverage may include deja vu, premature nostalgia, remembering things that haven't happened yet, and deja vu.
Do not file claims while actively traveling through time. Wait until you've stabilized in a single temporal reference frame. Temporal Insurance Associates cannot prevent temporal incidents, only compensate you after they occur. Or before they occur. Or during. Time is weird.
Not available in the Mirror Universe, the Heurgenfluergen Universe, The 'Oh God we made Lenin gay oh god what happened oh no' universe or any timeline where the Federation lost the Dominion War. Premium rates may increase if you accumulate more than three temporal violations in a single fiscal year. Repeated causality breaches may result in your policy being terminated across all timelines simultaneously. Q is not covered under any policy ever and we will know if you're lying about his involvement.
Temporal Insurance Associates... We've got you covered, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Literally.
Underwritten by the Department of Temporal Investigations Approved Insurance Consortium. Remember: The past is history, the future is a mystery, but your premiums are due on the 15th of every month.
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