When satire feels more real than reality itself:
FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam
“Reports are coming in all across the country of Americans who were promised great prosperity and success in exchange for a lifetime of hard work, only to find themselves swindled and left with virtually nothing,”
https://theonion.com/fbi-warns-of-american-dream-scam-1822834360/
New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day
RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons
Trump Argues Toy Shortages Easily Overcome By Making Servants Dance
Study Finds Ozempic May Reduce Signs Of Fatty Liver Disease
A study in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that semaglutides, such as Ozempic and Wegovy, may help treat fatty liver disease, pointing to yet another potential use for these popular weight-loss drugs. What do you think?
The post Study Finds Ozempic May Reduce Signs Of Fatty Liver Disease appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/study-finds-ozempic-may-reduce-signs-of-fatty-liver-disease/
‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio’s developers got their grades up. “We understand how much our team wants to release a painstakingly crafted Vice City into the world, but there’s just no way […]
The …
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https://theonion.com/gta-vi-delayed-until-developers-get-grades-up/
Trump Revokes PBS Funding After Antique Grandfather Clock Receives Meager Appraisal
WASHINGTON—Signing the executive order just minutes after storming off the set, President Donald Trump revoked federal funding for PBS this week after his grandfather clock reportedly received a lower-than-expected Antiques Roadshow appraisal. “For Christ’s sake, $2,500?” said a visibly flabbergas…
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https://theonion.com/trump-revokes-pbs-funding-after-antique-grandfather-clock-receives-meager-appraisal/
Jordon Hudson Inducted Into NFL Hall Of Fame
The post Jordon Hudson Inducted Into NFL Hall Of Fame appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/jordon-hudson-inducted-into-nfl-hall-of-fame/
Dollar plunges over fears that Donald Trump might do something
Stephen Miller Dead Behind Eyes At 39
The post Stephen Miller Dead Behind Eyes At 39 appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/stephen-miller-dead-behind-eyes-at-39/
Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Yogurt Game Now
NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught you back in the boonies of the almond milk world, but you better […]
The post Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Y…
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https://theonion.com/chobani-ceo-warns-new-hire-they-in-the-yogurt-game-now/
Man Gets Best Ideas In Splash Zone
ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing onto me really gets the brain juices flowing,” said Morales, who described a […]
The post Man Gets Best Ideas In Splash Zone appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/man-gets-best-ideas-in-splash-zone/
What To Know About ‘Sinners’
Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to discuss its complex racial history without bringing the Irish into things. Q: Has Sinners broken any […]
The post What To Know About ‘Sinners’ appeared first on The Onio…
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https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-sinners/
Trump Argues Toy Shortages Easily Overcome By Making Servants Dance
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s servants dance for their children’s enjoyment. “Maybe instead of 30 dolls this Christmas, chi…
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https://theonion.com/trump-argues-toy-shortages-easily-overcome-by-making-servants-dance/
RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons
WASHINGTON—Claiming the fantastical creatures were “way too cool” to leave their investigation to a handful of so-called experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday encouraging Americans to do their own research about dragons. “People, especially new parents looking for awesome bed…
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https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-encourages-americans-to-do-their-own-research-about-dragons/
Runaway Kangaroo Shuts Down Alabama Highway
A runaway kangaroo named Sheila managed to shut down a stretch of interstate in Alabama before state troopers and the animal’s owner were able to wrangle the wayward marsupial. What do you think?
The post Runaway Kangaroo Shuts Down Alabama Highway appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/runaway-kangaroo-shuts-down-alabama-highway/
Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. “It’s time for Ukraine to come to the negotiating table and accept being attacked,” said Trump, who accused Ukrainian…
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https://theonion.com/trump-russia-must-be-allowed-to-keep-fighting-as-part-of-any-ceasefire-deal/
Katy Perry Teases New Single ‘Stop Making Fun Of Me’
MONTECITO, CA—Revealing to fans that the track was about an issue deeply important to her, singer-songwriter Katy Perry teased a new single Thursday by releasing a short clip of a song titled “Stop Making Fun Of Me.” “Working with Dr. Luke on my fav single in years—this is for the ladies out there who can’t […]
The post Katy Perry Teases New Single ‘Stop Makin…
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https://theonion.com/katy-perry-teases-new-single-stop-making-fun-of-me/
