#abandonmentIssues

👼🏻☺️~Welcome to my Mind~🌀😈 👌poemsbykatie.wordpress.com@poemsbykatie.wordpress.com
2024-12-03

One month left until my one and a half years sober birthday!

{Thanks for the love, Facebook ✊️}

I recently started working at a job that I can finally have pride in and that I actually love and enjoy doing. I’m a Patient Care Tech at the Haven detox program at Crescent Hospital (basically a one week detox rehab). I got this shout out from this 19 year old guy that was a heroin addict like myself going through withdrawals who I had a long heart to heart with about giving up the drugs and not fucking up his precious life and being willing to fight for himself.

Feeling nostalgic. This past year and a half of recovery has been incredible. I dont think that I’ve ever experienced so many changes so fast. Decisions that were at first so fucking hard to make and scared the shit out of me. But thank God I did, because I don’t think that I would have made it out and stayed out of addiction if I went right back to what I knew and what was comfortable. Just because something is comfortable doesnt mean that it’s good for you.

Thank you to everyone who has loved me and supported me and motivated me to fight for and protect this new life that I have built for myself.

I honestly always thought that I was going to be a mentally ill and bat shit crazy fuck up for the rest of my life however long that may be. For most of my life, I couldn’t control my emotions- with borderline personality disorder they were just so fucking intense. I couldn’t handle it. I had no idea how to use healthy coping skills, so I started finding other ways to dull the chaos inside of me. That’s how I found heroin.

It may have came into my life from a shitty boyfriend, but I was all too eager to dance with the devil if it meant feeling better inside. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. Just laying in bed or being out in public or just living your day to day life knowing how everything in your life is fine and you should be happy, but you literally cant; you just think too damn deeply, feel way too fucking much, get hurt too fucking easily, and you have these moments of extreme, primal anger where you see red and black out and lose yourself and you do and say these horrible things and get violent, destroying everything in your path, and it scares the shit out of people which causes you to be regretful and shameful and full of guilt which then leads to the bottomless pit of depression where you lay in bed for a week and can’t even manage thinking about dragging your exhausted body to the shower, so you just avoid it all together and the days and nights blend together and you just feel so empty and hallow inside like your body is about to implode on itself and you pray for it to just kill you and take you out of this constant torment once and for all.

Fast forward to a year later and I’m sober, they finally got my psych meds figured out, I got my dream job where all my pain and suffering and trauma can finally be used to help people like me after so long of never being able to hold down a job pretty much ever and being known as a junkie thief, to now, being known to be someone who is reliable, responsible, and trustworthy. And I’m finally happy. I found the peace and serenity that I had searched for in drugs for my entire life. I now see every day as a gift and do what I can to make the most of it instead of waste it away getting wasted. And every day I wake up and continue to fight for myself.

Just a story about how a girl from an upper middle class family with loving, attentive parents turned into a IV heroin using felon, yet somehow found her way back after learning many lessons the only way she knew how, the hard way.

Another patient wrote us a thank you note. ❤️‍🩹 notice the only one who’s name is mentioned lol

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#abandonmentIssues #addiction #anxiety #blessed #blog #blogPost #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #Chronicpain #death #Depression #dying #existentialism #grateful #heroin #inspirational #lateNightThoughts #mdd #mentalIllness #Mentalillness #motivation #motivational #na #Ptsd #rapeSurvivor #scars #selfcare #snapped #sober #sobriety #suicidalIdeations #suicide

👼🏻☺️~Welcome to my Mind~🌀😈 👌poemsbykatie.wordpress.com@poemsbykatie.wordpress.com
2024-07-01

If you only fucking knew what goes on in my head, you’d run… But please don’t; I’m getting tired of trudging through life day after day after day on my own.
I just want someone to fucking understand me… To get me. To not think that I’m bat shit crazy. To see the beautiful sides of my mental illness bullshit and addiction. I swear there are beautiful sides…
I’m fiercely loyal, passionate to a fault, and the chaos in my mind is like unraveling a mystery. Someone will get it. Get me. But if not, I guess I’ll carry on alone to the bitter end. I’ve done it over a year now, and I can continue. But God, I just don’t want to…

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https://poemsbykatie.wordpress.com/2024/07/01/tired-of-being-alone/

#abandonmentIssues #addiction #anxiety #blog #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #codependency #Depression #existentialism #loneliness #love #prose #suicidalIdeations #toxicRelationships #venting

👼🏻☺️~Welcome to my Mind~🌀😈 👌poemsbykatie.wordpress.com@poemsbykatie.wordpress.com
2024-02-20

👿 ~!NOT A TREND!~ 🙅🏻‍♀️
To all the people who claim to be borderline without a diagnosis, it’s not cute. It’s not edgy. Bpd has fucking DESTROYED me and my life…
The fucking RAGE I feel for no damn reason all the time that controls me and makes me say and do horrible, stupid things is a omnipresent nightmare.
I can’t even count how many times people have called me crazy. Do you know how many times I’ve been called a bitch? A lot.
The lack of impulse control lead me to trying heroin the first time I was asked without any logical thought about how it would end up destroying me.
The fear of abandonment causes me to get way too attached wayy too fucking fast and ridiculously upset when it ends… The paranoia, which is another gift from bpd, keeps me constantly thinking that people are out to get me or plotting against me. It makes it really freaking hard to trust someone/anyone.
The splitting causes me to constantly either idolize someone, or can’t fucking stand them, and it just switches all the damn time.
I come on wayy too strong.
I feel too fucking deep and too fucking much. The lack of impulse control and the fact that your passions are constantly changing, makes it near impossible to complete takes or master anything.  Borderlines are constantly jumping from one passion to another.
I get too attached to people, and when they leave, they take my hopes and dreams and happiness with them.
Borderline personality disorder has fucking terrorized my life for as long as I can remember, and I would give ANYTHING to not have it anymore…
It literally drives me crazy how a serious and life ruining mental illness has become a fucking fad.
If you weren’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, please stop claiming to have it.
If you think you are a borderline, get fucking diagnosed like I did YEARS ago when bpd wasn’t a thing and I had to deal with it all on my own.
I’m happy bpd is getting so much attention, but I also hate it.
It’s like the worst thing about me and my life is being glorified by all these young girls who more than likely have never and will never get diagnosed.
Borderline caused me to be in and out of jails, hospitals, rehabs, multiple types of therapy (mainly Dialectical behavioral therapy- which wasn’t even around anywhere when I first got diagnosed; I had to go out of freaking state to find a dbt specialist), so.many. psychiatrists, so.many.fucking.antidepressants. mood stabilizers.antipsychotics.etc.
My life has been So much fucking harder than it had to be all because of bpd.
Things were really bad mentally a few years ago, and I went to my doctor begging her to help me… I really felt like I was losing my mind and becoming a crazy person who can no longer function around people. Know what she said? She told me that if I could make it to my 30s, things will get better. That’s all I have to look forward to, my only hope… sad.
Borderline personality disorder caused me to start cutting myself when I was 13 years old all the way up to just 6-7 months ago.
I still struggle with the urges, and I don’t know why… But I fucking hate it.
I’m not trying to hate on anyone or come across as a bitch, but I just had to say something.
I wouldn’t wish BPD on my worst enemy.
If you think you got bpd, talk to a doctor then come see me if you have any questions. I have become somewhat of an expert on the subject.

Being borderline pretty much predicted that I’d turn into an addict in one way or another. And that prediction was spot fucking on. It’s definitely made staying sober a hell of a lot harder.
After a lot of failed attempts at getting sober, multiple suicide attempts, and too many overdoses, I thought that I was too far gone…
I didn’t think I would ever become a functioning adult…
But I’m  proud to say that I am almost 7 months clean despite everything.
If you do ending up having borderline and are discouraged, just remember that after 28 years I didn’t beat it necessarily, but I learned how to live with it.
And you can too.

Bpd tells you to hate yourself. The key to beating it is to love and care for yourself and your body instead of destroying it.

Bpd isn’t ALL bad though. Here’s some of the positives since I’ve been a little doom and gloom: (1) the feeling things so damn intensely sucks a lot, but it’s actually a really awesome gift when experiencing something good and positive and beautiful. Like I will never forget all of the amazing moments in my life that bpd just made more intense and passionate. (2) Bpd also brings about extreme loyalty which makes for a good friend or partner. 3). Borderline people are normally very talented in art and music and whatever hobby they might have, because bpd fills you with so much passion and wanderlust.
(4) Since borderlines are constantly changing their hobbies and passions, they become a jack of all trades master of none which just means that they know a little bit of everything and can hold their own in a lot of conversations.

I’m telling you, google “positive traits of borderline personality disorder;” it makes me feel better when I start feeling down. Find a local Dialectical behavioral therapy place and definitely sign up for group therapy. I was SO happy that I did. Being in a room with a bunch of other people that have the same issues as you was actually really eye opening. I highly recommend it.
Well I hope this helps someone out there and isn’t just me ranting lol.
❤️‍🩹👿🖤❤️‍🩹😈🤯🥶🫨❤️‍🩹👿🖤❤️‍🩹

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https://poemsbykatie.wordpress.com/2024/02/20/borderline-personality-disorder/

#abandonmentIssues #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #codependency #lifeLessons #mentalIllness #Mentalillness #motivational #selfcare

👼🏻☺️~Welcome to my Mind~🌀😈 👌poemsbykatie.wordpress.com@poemsbykatie.wordpress.com
2024-01-11

Suicidal ideations are different for people who’ve attempted and failed… They aren’t about just thinking on how great it would feel to just end it anymore and how easy it would be to do… It’s realizing how much more complicated it is now; it’s realizing that you a) either won’t cut deep enough or will be rushed to the hospital too fast with a Baker act to look forward to. It’s b) realizing that it’s a lot harder to snap your neck than it looks on tv, and that you probably have a better chance of breaking the ceiling fan like I did. It’s c) Trying to OD only you ended up chained to a ventilator for the rest of your miserable life instead.

It’s realizing swallowing a bullet could leave to life as a quadriplegic with a fucked up ass face from all the surgeries. It’s realizing that jumping from a building or bridge will shatter every single bone in your body instantly and excruciatingly. It’s realizing that trying to OD with most pain pills, will just end up shutting down your organs first. And especially if you try using psych pills- you can get tardive dyskinesia on a good day and fry your already fragile chemical imbalances on a bad one.

It’s realizing that, yes, somehow I lived through drifting my car at max speed all down through the middle of nowhere during the dead of the night, and even though I wanted to crash and burn in a blaze of glory at that time… my last car accident from last year (where I did end up crashing my head through the windshield and getting 11 staples in my head) opened my eyes…

And Thank God that I didn’t lose a limb or break anything or lose myself (at least not permanently). Took me until that moment where I was bleeding out miles and miles from civilization to finally start fighting for this life that Ive been so desperately trying to throw away for as long as I can remember… I have lived as recklessly as possible, because there has always felt something deep inside of me that is and has always been so completely fucking broken.

But I realized that you either fucking die… Or you fucking live. It’s really that simple.

And apparently regardless of my heroin addict, reckless, impulsive, adrenaline junkie ass, I still Suck at dying. 👍🏼

Been trying pretty actively for quite awhile now… Maybe it’s time I put a little thought to the other side… To actually find away to coexist with this cruel, unfair entity that we call life. Which is SO much easier said than done, but really, what’s your only other option? -you die, or -you LIVE. I just hope this living life thing turns out to get easier than at least the damn opposite lol 😪❤️‍🩹

And I for one am so fucking tired of dooming myself from the JUMP. Happiness has always seemed to escape me, but maybe I share some blame in that…😮‍💨

My whole adolescence life I planned of dying by 27 and being part of the Forever 27 club. Thought that for years and years. Until I turned 28 last year, and am (if God sees fit) turning the big 29 here soon… *Screams* 🤢

So even though I damn sure feel like I’m back at my fucking lowest and lost everything that I had just built, I’m STILL clean even though a shot sounds more valuable to me than gold right now, but I’m not going to do it. Because that’s exactly what your self righteous ass is counting on, so you never have to be in the wrong regardless what you say, do, and treat me in general.

All I got to say is THANKS FOR THE SPITE, BITCH. It nourishes my soul, keeps me focused, and keeps me making moves and counter moves.

Check fucking mate 🏁♟️📣👏😏😘

https://poemsbykatie.wordpress.com/2024/01/11/suicide-on-my-fucking-mind/

#abandonmentIssues #abusiverelationship #addiction #anxiety #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #breakups #codependency #cravings #death #Depression #domesticViolence #fuckLife #heroin #suicidalIdeations #suicide

👼🏻☺️~Welcome to my Mind~🌀😈 👌poemsbykatie.wordpress.com@poemsbykatie.wordpress.com
2023-12-20

*Free verse poem

❤️‍🩹

Tired of being the only one who’s caring and the only one still fighting. Tired of always being the one who falls first And hardest.
Tired of giving my all when you stay complacently giving me all of your worst.
Tired of wanting something so fucking much it hurts… Only to get denied time after time after time.
Tired of all the heart break and of all the shame and pain, While throughout it all, you would never feel a thing.
But most of all let me explain something to you… I will never get over the hell you put me through, Yet somehow to you I continue to cling…
And regardless of all the pain that decision will bring,
Letting go of you, is just something I’m not strong enough to do.
❤️‍🩹

https://poemsbykatie.wordpress.com/2023/12/20/oxymoron/

#abandonmentIssues #abusiverelationship #addiction #anxiety #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #breakups #codependency #Depression #domesticViolence #grief #love #mentalIllness #miserylovescompany #poem #poetry #prose #relationships #toxicRelationships #venting

2023-03-21

Last night I had three consecutive dreams all thematically tied to abandonment.

In the last one, I was in a diner where everyone suddenly disappeared and I was the last person to realize a giant tsunami wave was coming.

And this, my friends, is why I shouldn’t watch Taylor Swift’s Eras tour Tiktoks before bed.

#midnights #erastour #abandonmentissues #taylorswift

Sharon (she/her)sharon@tech.lgbt
2023-01-08

Just taking a moment to thank my #exboyfriend from high school (I was 16), my ex-boyfriend from college (19), and my ex-husband (29) for all cheating on me. Not only did I learn the value of trust and physical intimacy, I have a healthy dose of #PTSD thanks to you assholes. #abandonmentissues #betrayal #trauma

mother :pr-flag: :pleading: :verified:mother@akko.saturno.black
2022-10-30

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