I'm not sure how I feel about sharing my mental health and physical disability conditions and info or how much to do it in good taste.
On one hand I'm an extremely straight forward and obsessively honest person. I like sharing because it's genuinely just authentic for me and I also just have nothing to hide. In a way I'm doing it right now.
As well as, it's useful. Speaking up about disabilities can and does inspire others to feel more comfortable and confident about themselves, understanding they're not alone with their difficulties.
On the other hand, the victim card sickens me. I've had enough of being a victim. I've had enough of people feeling sorry for me and of identity based conversations saying that just because I have certain conditions it somehow gives me a greater right for attention or support when in reality so many people have massive difficulties that may not be as clearly diagnosable and still hugely impact their lives and the way they deal with failures and successes.
I am deeply grateful for the many people who have supported me because of my traumas, abuse, physical chronic illnesses and many trauma related mental disabilities. Empathy is powerful and when someone shares the least we can do is listen with open curiosity and kindness.
But if I keep emphasizing how much of a victim I am, I might just be a victim forever. If I keep inviting people to feel sorry for me, I might create a reality in which I'm forever weak. And is it my fault? No. But is it my responsibility to change it? Absofuckinglutely.
I'm already on this path but sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I still use the victim card with myself and others.
The line is thin but critical, between being aware and taking good care of my many disabilities, to letting them disable me completely, or even just, more than they must.
I may forever have times in which I'll suffer from OCD episodes, panic attacks, mental breakdowns and clinical depression. But I'll do my best to limit those symptoms as much as I possibly can and not allow them from avoiding me of a good life.
I will forever have NVLD, but instead of letting it define what I can or can not do, I'll find alternative ways to do and understand anything I need to achieve my goals.
I may forever suffer from IBD and anemia. But I'll do what I can to manage and if I find a way, heal. And as much as possible, as much as healthy, continue my life with those illnesses, and aspire for joy and health as much as anybody else.
I won't beg for government support of any kind, I'll never take a loan ever in my life, I won't depend mentally on loved ones. I know others may have to. I had times in which I had to as well. But as long as I can change my mindset and health to be more capable of full independence, I place my responsibility and focus on doing so.
I'm a fully independent business owner and I am happy. Inconsistently happy, struggling but happy, overly stressed but happy. In love and happy, studying and working what I love and happy. Living a very strange reality impacted by war but happy. And yes, I have illnesses. And yes, I have many disabilities. But as for my identity, I can recognize my illnesses and take care of them, but I am healthy, I am not ill. I can acknowledge and understand my disabilities, I have many differences and many things I can do better than others naturally and many that I am naturally a lot worse at than most people. But I am not disabled. In fact, I'm completely capable of reaching my goals, it just requires different ways which I'm creative enough to figure out.
It's very hard. It's mind shattering sometimes. It's my body crumbling other times. But it's the truth.
So here I give up my victim card in society and in front of myself and consider myself an equally capable human being.
Capable of artistic, financial and wellness growth.
Capable of everything I want, but most importantly - capable of good influence on others through art.
Yours,
Emmanuelle
#disablity #mentalhealth #ocd #ptsd #anemia #ibd #nonbinary #jewish #israel #israeli #art #artist #artists
