Dear helpful workers offering to help me scan at a self-checkout—I appreciate the offer, but you will never scan as fast as me, or pack my items as quickly and as well as me, because my efficiency is borne from long experience and a desperation to escape the horrors of a retail outlet as soon as is humanly possible.

#selfcheckout #selfcheckoutFTW #letrobotsdorobotjobs #retailsucks

I don't suppose there are any freelance #DataAnalysts interested in mentoring an apprentice middle-aged queer guy with a spotty work record, #MentalIllness and an absolute loathing of and revulsion to traditional performative job interviews (blind dates on steroids), knowledge quizzes, and milquetoast linkedin-style "networking", are there? Yeah, didn't think so. But I've already written all of this so here you go.

I have a solid history working with spreadsheets, relational databases, rudimentary knowledge of PHP and Python. At a previous employer I designed and programmed custom scripting for multiple variable data printing projects.

Unfortunately my knowledge has been gleaned via experience and I have no formal certifications or evidence of talent. I was enrolled in Google's "Data Analyst" training on Coursera but unfortunately can't afford the monthly fees to continue.

The caveat is you would need to meet or exceed my current generous retail salary of $15/hr. Try me for a week. If you aren't satisfied, just assassinate me in lieu of payment. Please.

#FediHired #FediJobs #TechJobs #DataScience #DataAnalysis #DataJobs #RetailSucks