A man hands you a box. Telling you it is full of your worst fears. The reality is the box is empty but oh how you fill it still.

me: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave

him: what happened

me: it’s still broccoli

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Could a depressed person do this? [drinking soup out of a wine glass]

ME: I'm afraid I don't have enough to make rent. Maybe there's some *bites my bottom lip seductively*.... other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Boss: if you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@McSwiller thank you :)

"Must be cool being a pasta chef, cooking all these… big tubes and stuff"
"It's 'cannelloni', actually"
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that"

[Park]
Stranger: your dog is unusual looking

Me: yeah, he's interbred

Duck *waddles up* I'll tell you who else is into bread

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: because of something my boss said

Interviewer: it says here you were fired

Me: that's the thing he said

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

me

@dearydarling that's great! 😀

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man's field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man's shampoo

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn't gonna be a good day for you

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.