I'm making pizza sauce.
I never feel like I know what I'm doing, but it always tastes good to me

Imagine if you were a cloud. You'd never have to get a haircut. On the other hand, you'd never be able to get a haircut

Not so much talking to myself as trying out punchlines.

I just read "cabinet" as "cabin-ay."

I need to lay off the wine.

In regards to the directionality of the jam pumping, it is up.

This WILL NOT be repeated.

@catsnfats this is written in an amendment to the constitution but its ratification is being held up by Delaware…

if it doesn't say Micromachines, it's not my real wang

I use "gangbusters" as a positive descriptor an awful lot for someone who did not live in an epoch of intrepid G-men busting fast-talking racketeers.

Batman crouching down to collect soil, groaning at his popping knee joints.

farm to bowl terlit

wtf i guess my met gala invite was lost in the mail????

Tell yourself whatever story you want, but a bald eagle is not a patriot. That bird would sell out the US of A for a week old muskee corpse.

Standing with my arms crossed angrily at a jam band’s concert because there are no strawberry preserves

It insane to me how often women are not given pain management for gynecological procedures, because many many years ago a male doctor who's never had a vagina, cervix, or uterus decided that there weren't enough nerve endings up there to hurt significantly. I think it's time to put this fallacy to bed. It most definitely does hurt, and people who have literally no experience with female equipment don't get to decide this for me. Trust me docs, you don't want to taste your own medicine on this.

1970s bands just called themselves shit like Abramowicz, Greyson, Cheezit and Stan and people listening to music were so fucking high they just said "Cool band name."

I too am seeking a prominent job but am preoccupied at the moment with not going to jail for any of nearly a hundred criminal indictments. It would help if I would stop breaking the law but I just can’t stop the criming.

Bored? Try this: Take a bubble bath

It's wild that rich people get praised for promoting sustainable fashion by... rewearing clothes? Like, fawning headlines about how it's refreshing that a princess recycled a dress that's 10 years old and some supermodel is so daring for repeating a look.

I compost, recycle, shop local, and own lots of 15+ year old clothing. Where's my medal? The ultra rich live on a completely different planet, honestly. And they have the audacity to appropriate the language of sustainability and activism.

Greene, acting as a Russian agent's hand,
Undermines our nation, on foreign command,
Such treachery within our very fold,
Aiding hostile powers, her deeds are sold.