BREAKING: Chicago windstorm gives everyone a bad hair day. Local curly woman finally blends in. Grandma still texted about buying a comb.

Just heard a 60 Minutes story on egg freezing claim, “every woman has a ticking biological clock in their head.”

The story is framed around how all women want kids and whoopee here’s a way for them to fulfill their dreams of motherhood.

Please fuck all the way off.

The $45 smoothie I just ordered better be good.

Also, don’t do group orders. Tax, tip, and delivery fees can end up in your smoothie.

Sunday is great for enjoying plant based (and plant topped) foods

@fringe lol

@fringe Well played, sir. Well. Played.

And no, you can’t make me say rubbers.

Aw nuts

Well that’s me busted I guess

I kind of welcome the tsunami. Buddhism. Piper, no! Nooooo

@fringe woo!

@fringe Do I get extra points if my nails match my hair?

Maybe Sigmund the Sea Monster will make a comeback now #iykyk

I’m no quitter unless it’s something I don’t like.

-Things I say to my personal trainer.

Amidst the madness, simple self care can lift the mood and cleave a path to positivity.

At least Trump can’t fire the raccoons. It’s the only thing keeping me sane.

Snap loves a Rice Krispy Treat!

Me at the Starbucks drive thru

@ericinellenwood It’s important for all people to build survival skills anymore

@ericinellenwood The restaurant is connected to a bowling alley. He just went and had the shoe guy spray it. All good!

@ericinellenwood Turns out not to be a plant at all!

The bartender cut his thumb and decided to make it a garnish

Pro Human Tip: Men, if you’re at the grocery store and you have a question about the grocery store, ask an employee or ask a man. Don’t approach women. We’re not your default servants. Ask a man.

Why, Outlook, why?

Why you filing up my windows and top space with nonsense and hugeass category icons. Please stop.

In Professor Quirrel voice -

What is this garnish?!!

#QOTD

You don’t have to be drunk to sleep in your makeup but it helps.

-Abraham Lincoln