Ugh. Which channel should I be moving to?

Spyghetti Baloognese

I have a pain in my chesht.

~ Sean Coronary.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

[making small talk on a blind date]

her: so, how did you get here?

him: well, when a man loves a woman very much, his pee pee gets har— y’know what, this is really basic stuff, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of the date if you don’t know this

her:

him:

her:

him: um, uber?

@jimmerthatisall Thanks for following! 😂❤️

Watching the sun rise while drinking coffee after morning sex, feeling mildly stoned and enormously grateful.

I'm all for killing with kindness as long as people actually die

The thing I miss most about being a child is getting praise for cleaning up my own mess.

I wonder when the gummy is supposed to kick in, I wondered, dipping a microwaved cheese roll-up into vanilla pudding, the best thing I've ever tasted

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams, only to find that they have a flagpole on their property.

It's pronounced "guh"mail.

Possession is nine-tenths of The Exorcist.

This bath water is precisely ooh-yeah-muthafucka! degrees.

BREAKING: Classified documents found in Abraham Lincoln's casket.

Not on my watch!

*wipes ketchup off watch*

Putting the disco in discomfort.

As I aged all the levity went to my wits and the gravity to my tits.

There's an endearing little myth constantly being pushed to explain the renewed rise of fascism. It's all about ageing populations and is a version of the old saying beloved of rightwingers: “If a person is not a liberal when he is twenty, he has no heart; if he is not a conservative when he is forty, he has no head."
Fascism, on the other hand, targets the young. That's what the book-bannings, etc, are about: creating an ignorant, malleable army of brainwashed thugs.

I'm cold. Fuck that ground hog.