A man used to be able to get his hard drive defragged for a nickel.

A wave of big booty women can't be far behind.

Anybody got any war plans for later in the week?

BEIGE.PARTY: COME BECAUSE IT'S NOT A CULT. STAY FOR THE LOOSE-FITTING ROBES AND COMFORTABLE FOOTWEAR.

My dad at work the time they called in the guy from the other office to help on a special project

Honestly, when I come back to Earth, I want to be a dog with gay dads.

A word of advice.
Think twice before summoning Lovecraftian horrors from the stygian depths of the underworld to spice up story time at the library.
Please learn from my mistakes.

@sunumbral

I need a place with both low humidity and low monitor lizard populations

@RickiTarr

Too many people making things that are NOT political, political. End of story.

Shoes are prisons for your feet.

@McRocker

Legit thought that dog was using a CPAP machine

@loren

A lone owl?

I feel absolutely suffocated. Lol.

@RickiTarr

There were years where I lived off my tax return FOR THE WHOLE YEAR because my entire paycheck went to childcare. If I got sick or one of my kids got sick I'd lose my job and have to find a new one, with no babysitter.

Do "live in the moment" people know that's just called being alive?

It’s me. Complaining again. Won’t you love me?

@ReticentTurnip

I'm voting sands of time NOT because I religiously watched Days of our lives for decades, but because I enjoy a good exfoliation.

@Humerus_Patella

I've had it automatically add things to the calendar...that I share.

what's the matter, babe? you've barely truncated your triangular trapezohedron

@davep

Maybe you haven't tried eating 30 of them?