Meanwhile back in Inverness, bus stops are telling it like it is. ..

Re previous:

Government media release: A recreational pendulum is to be installed following an environmental impact study, and community consultation.

Media news story: Investigations have revealed a $300,000 swing is to be removed because it breaches public safety rules.

@MaryAustinBooks

It's starting to creep me out that the rise of #AI and smart machines is accompanied by #MAGA and peak stupidity. Can't be a coincidence, right...

From the archives.
Guess we humans shouldn't be too surprised when #AI does crazy shit.
This is on us:

It's not that IT folk had too much time on their hands. This was the only way to stay sane.
-------------------------------
Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!
--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

--Help Desk

@MsDropbear42

Meteor? Wow, that's never happened over Victorian skies before.

"Engineers" - especially maintenance types - are always cynical smartarses. Detect a trace of resentment towards arrogant pilots.

This from 22 years ago.
-------------------------------
Airline maintenance complaints and problems are known as "squawks". The following are claimed to be QANTAS squawks, as reported by pilots.
P = the problem logged by the pilot and resolved by maintenance engineers
S = the solution and action taken by the engineers).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

@havvyhh2

At which point we wonder why they even bother wearing suits and ties, trying to be what they aren't. They're no more than power-hungry, greedy thugs.

This 2-part video will get you right up to speed on the risk of a failing Russia. And Melania was the last sane voice in the White House?? Apparently.

#Ukraine #USPol
https://youtu.be/chJGSFw-_30

Ignorance is how we got here. Sigh.

@paninid @jstatepost

That's true. The veneer is certainly off, and it's quite disturbing.

The US is no longer a trading partner. It's a country ruled by crude, loud-mouthed mafiosi thugs.

#USPol #USPolitics

Jonathan Pie, in his emphatic way, explains precisely why Reform will quite likely form the next government.
Get a grip, #Starmer. #UKPol
https://youtu.be/SpJhyyhuJrY

Dredging the email archive - item number 62,493...

==================
Reply to Stephen ****
It's best not to send jokes like these to us. They are too easily confused with our real helpdesk tickets.

========================

-----Original Message-----
From: Stephen **** [mailto:**]
Sent: Wednesday, 10 August 2011 8:59 AM
To: ********
Subject: Computer nerds

Here are actual calls to computer technical support reps:

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

=========================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

=========================
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it into the computer yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

==========================
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

=========================

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

=========================

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

========================

Sigh.

@muzej

fyi :0)

Thinks, hmm, must buy the missus some vitamins.

Detecting air raids before radar.

@MsDropbear42

Quell surprise!

Why not?

I do miss these old emails circa 2000 - when getting them was a new experience that made life in the cubicle bearable.
-----------------------------
Consumer Labels - Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer:
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, but thats the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(Good suggestion.)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(duuuhhhhh)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box:)
Warning: Do not turn upside down.
(Too late. You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Warning: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Warning: Do not iron clothes on body.
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Warning: Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery while taking this product.

(Boy, we could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we could just keep those 5 year olds off the fork lifts!)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope.)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(...or pets! Whats for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(okay, so now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Warning: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume:
Warning: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh sure, thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)