I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I WANT TO STUFF KEVIN JAMES FULL OF PEANUT BUTTER, THEN BATTER AND DEEP FRY HIM, AND EAT HIM DIPPED IN SAUCE.

No one told me how much of adulthood was just cleaning my glasses.

Loss:Control

Err on blame,
Point fingers at empty heavens;
Pointless wonders beyond grasp
Where dreams alone chase light.
It was a nice idea,
To bathe myself in stars
And wear the vacant night.
That dream died
And passed like ash
Into indifferent sky.

Loss: Control
Fear: Command
Death: Defeat
Love: Repair

Catch my breath
It's only air.
When all has passed beyond the veil
I'll find you there.
In silent earth,
True purpose clear.
All trees know
What breaks is lost;
Play dead for months;
Keep moving on.
Regain yourself.

Loss: Control
Fear: Command
Death: Defeat
Love: Repair.

Take what you can
Keep cash and clothes.
Find room for hope
And what you'll need second most.
The margins close
Around you so tight,
Remind you there's
Worse things than dying
Remember
You can make your heart too small.

Air conditioner repair guys are in the basement and I'm whispering into the vents, pretending the AC is haunted so I can establish that I'm the fun, quirky customer.

“Ha ha,” I say. “Ha ha ha ha ha, omg.”
I am dying inside.

@NickGates I know, it looks so fantastic! How did little fren like the animals?

@NickGates sweetest pic ever. Looks like it was a dreamy, beautiful day! (MBA is top of my list for aquariums to visit—marine animals are my favorite animals.)

“You look like a good time,” I wink seductively at the coin-operated pony outside the boarded up Kmart.

going as a swamp hag for halloween by changing nothing about my appearance and just riding around in an airboat screaming “TRICK OR TREAT”

"Don't worry folks, it's all part of the show," I stammer through tears as an actor portraying my father walks on stage and tells me he respects my decision to pursue a career as a magician.

Back when Windows 95 came out you could drag "The Internet" icon to the bin and it'd pop up a message that said "Are you sure you want to delete The Internet?" and we thought it was hilarious but in hindsight maybe one of us should have said "yes".

Nobody likes a dopamine hoarder. Spread that shit around.

that sense of impending doom you’re feeling is just life experimenting with a little light choking in the bedroom

ok but how long do i gotta back dat ass up because it’s been years i’m tired

@RobSF No this is my fiancé and you’re interrupting our wedding vows

PUT THE GOAT DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE ALTAR, PLEASE

@NickGates it’s like Where’s Waldo on easy mode and also there’s an adorable little person instead of boring ol’ Waldo.

Imagine being called Jim Apple and having to introduce yourself in French.

whispering sweet nothings in your ear but it’s just like, warm breath and the most adorable silence you’ve ever heard

I feel like a glass that is too full and always spilling over the sides,
apologizing for the mess
as I lose more of myself