Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.

So they decided to call it a day.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry.

I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.

She said how many years have you had it for?

I said 15 Love

I hate it when people dont know the difference between your and youre. There so stupid.

Just ate a frozen apple...

hard core

I killed a chicken last week. Now I’m being haunted by a poultrygeist.

What do you call a car thats covered in leaves? An autumnobile.

What does an astronaut do when he screws up? He apollo-gizes

Never trust a tree in the summer...

Most of them seem pretty shady...

What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball? He was Napoleon Blown Apart.

in 1969, a group of three former military officers led an invasion of earths nearest peaceful neighbor in space. At the end of their eight-day mission, nobody was left alive on the moon...

Why is it called a dad-bod and not a father-figure?

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

Do you have a wife that shares your 'special' pundenaceoius perspectives of perniciously pervasive punny pastimes?

Accountant puns are self-deprec(i)ating, and as a result, are often worth less...

if you can't laugh at yourself, give me a call...

some things I'm always happy to do for others!

The Star Wars saga is really just the story of three generations of people bullying C3PO

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on...

H.E.L.P comes in the following options:

Chocolate: That's strictly to eat or as offerings to upset wives
Movies: Yes, you can endure Frozen for the 10000 time. I promise.
Sedatives: Highly recommended for the mother-in-law

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.