Holding my son in the park and walked past a 19/20 year old throwing a football and he said “take your time, sir. We respect our elders around here” and it’s playing on a loop in my head for the last hour I’m devastated. Absolute sick burn. I’m completely ruined.

sorry this got into my brain and I had to make it to free myself.

niche content for old programmers that are also limp bizkit fans

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1620451094601273345

I mean it’s “Fwed” and “Rowy” but that’s great for under 2. He just doesn’t even try with Jacques

Y’all are too close to making me find out who Mr. Beast is and I don’t like it. I’ve made it too far to go out like this

We have three cats and the boy is good at saying Fred and Rory’s names but with Jacques he just says “cat”

@antijingoist sorry it’s twitter’s buttons on a full screen video tweet view on iOS. On low number tweets it looks ok but on viral tweets it’s so awful

This alignment is fucking killing me man

Now that the boy is talking more my road rage has turned into saying stuff like “PICK A LANE ASStronomically slow person”

As much as I play video game so am very bad at them. Maybe it’s because I play old shit mostly, but any time I play a “modern” system I’m horrible at it. TLOU (PS3) is hard as Shit. Am I bad or is that true?

I wish you could mute pictures based on text found in the pictures. I already know JKR sucks ass. I don’t need screenshots of her bullshit tweets. Also stop tweeting screenshots of her bullshit tweets.

It’s incredibly freeing not having a football team that is playing anymore

Holding your debit card up to your shirt makes your clothes look so cheap! Especially if the CCV code is written on your hand!

*at karaoke bar*
Friend: “What are you gonna sing?”
Me: “oh you’ll see”
*lips on mic*
🎵 whopper whopper whopper whopper, junior double triple whopper, flame broiled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day, lettuce Mayo pickles ketchup it’s okay if I don’t want that, impossib

Experiencing probably the worst non-COVID cold I’ve had in years. Going to have to start disinfecting the boy when he comes home from daycare

Me: “I think COVID wrecked my immune system. I’m sick like all the time now”
Wife: “you got COVID twice in 4 months I think it was already bad”

What’s a good male performance where he doesn’t know the answer to your question but confidently gives an answer that seems right because society has conditioned us to feel ignorance as being unmasculine and now everything is bad because we’ve ruined everything?

They bring the T-shirt cannon out after your coach gets ejected so you don’t burn the building down

All I know is I don’t have tens of thousands of people chanting I suck when I’m at my job

LET WILLIE FIGHT THEM