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Historians actually have a word for people who pal around with nazis and that word is nazi

I have to admit, when I swat at mosquitoes, I like to pretend I'm King Kong swatting at airplanes. #bigfoot

I ate a salmon this morning. What are you eating, a banana? I'm just saying, sometimes my life is better than yours. OK. Back to hiding behind a tree and basically ceasing to exist. #Bigfoot

I would never eat a chimp, but if one fell in a fire and smelled really delicious I would. #bigfoot

I went completely unobserved today, by any creature, big or small. I hid in a crevice, in a deep cave, and breathed only enough to barely not black out. I might as well have never been born. Victory. #Bigfoot

If next year isn't weird, that will be weird.

The best showers are the ones that nearly burn your skin off

For the next few weeks I’m telling every kid I see that Santa isn’t coming to see them because he just doesn’t like their vibes

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

You know some serious shit just went down in a show when there's no music over the closing credits

🎶 girl you’re my angle - you’re my darlin angle 🎶

dickwing butt

@ChurchOfBalfe ❤️

Just had some killer sloppy joes

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Swedish children's books go hard

Fast & Furious but it’s just me racing to get home before I shit my pants.

I still have my late nan in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day.

Coed naked disc golf