[over the walmart sound system] midnight trains goi- *muffled sounds of a struggle* MIDNIGHT TRAINS GOING ANYWHERE DONT EXIST THEY ALL GO TO SPECIFIC PLACES WAKE UP SHEEPLE

if i die suddenly delete my search history i dont want mom to know i have to check the spelling of everyday words

*emits a particle*

[packing up all the knives at the knife fight] you kids use your words violence wont solve this

afternoon naps are very important for the monster economy because they get overtime reporting under the bed during off hours

darn my socks have a hole in the toe

Don't forget to be a little weirdo today.

[sting] okay roxanne baby rents getting expensive time to turn on that red light

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret

[me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now

need help with mastodon? hire a tooter

I cannot express enough how much I'd like to burrow 15 feet straight into the ground right now.

the universe is only constantly expanding to get away from earth

every cat has main character syndrome and every dog is super stoked to be player two

[my boss thinking] hmm he seems well rested because that extra hour of sleep how can i monetize this

@Lucaas me too MUTE ALL THE CALLS

the entire world is terrifying but its fall so the leaves are crunchy to walk on at least

for someone who never answers a phone call i sure own a lot of devices that can receive them

[before coffee] *grumpy*

[after coffee] *grumpier because now im more awake*

@ThinlyVeiledPanda thinly when two baseball players love each other very much they each take one bird and one bee and perform a heist to snatch third base from the unsuspecting umpire its a weird game this whole love thing