@princesaballena he made me so happy

You snooze, you win. Congrats on the nice nap.

New neighbor came over and said "I'm required by state law to introduce myself." Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

I’m a closet claustrophobic

A Corn Pops commercial plays in the background while Batman gets ready to stop a crime. "Gotta have my pops" chimes the Bat-TV.

Suddenly Batman breaks down and starts crying. "Same" he whispers in that Batman voice.

i have covid and i’ve been painting strawberries all week

Say “curly wurly” in a Scottish accent and never be able to say it any other way again.

When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast woe,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And ask whence camest thou, Cotton Eye Joe

or they’ll call slaw enforcement

receiving a "meeting cancelled" email is better than sex and its not even close

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

escargot is spanish for “it’s cargo pants”

WOMEN ARE SHARING THE EXACT MOMENTS THEY REALISED THEIR PARTNERS REALLY LOVED THEM. MEANWHILE I HAVE BUILT THIS SACRIFICIAL ALTAR AROUND THE DECOMPOSING HEAD OF A RAM.

Live long enough and you’ll experience all the kinds of poops.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about

- me, when I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about

Most of my plans are good, assuming
there's no tomorrow

#PoW

Thought for the day:

Shouldn't you really have more than one thought each day?

@civicDetroitDan don’t judge me this is my favorite thing i’ve ever said

what country do pokémon come from?

gottemalla