@Alice i get real mad when my amazon package shows up and it’s cut.

Grindr 🤝 Amazon

See where your package is on a map

You mean I actually have to do things today instead of sitting around drinking for ten hours? This is bullshit.

IT’S WEEKEND BEIGE, BITCHES!!

I could never have children; I simply don’t have the paternal instinct to drag a three month-old on a 5 1/2 hour cross country flight for absolutely no reason at all.

@Nerde va va va BOOM!

The comfiest particle in the standard model of particle physics is definitely the hygge-boson.

I can't tell if mezcal tastes like band-aids or if band-aids smell/taste like mezcal.

Sabrina Carpenter is so popular because she is capitalizing on all that JonBenet Ramsey nostalgia.

Whenever a friend comes to me with a problem, no matter what it is, I always respond with: “it could be worse…you could be in to feet”

Been thrown out of the birding group for repeatedly referring to myself as "more of a hornithologist" with accompanying eyebrow waggles.

People Eating Tasty Animals?

More like People Espousing Tired Acronyms

@RyanParsley she sounds Polish

It’s weird to me that people refer to ChatGPT as “Chatty”

I prefer to use her full name, Chatricia.

Never forget the glory of an Aiwa stereo with 3 CD changer.

“Smegma” could use a re-brand. Maybe let’s call it Peckerino instead?

It's a dark secret, but Dorito dust is obtained through fracking.

Sorry for saying F1 The Movie is a feast for your balls

What other realms ya got? This one sucks.

Pride in the mid 2010s: for the month of June we’ve officially changed the name of our restaurant to The Cheesecake FAGtory!! Yasss slay queen! Love is love!! 🏳️‍🌈👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👨‍❤️‍👨👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏳️‍⚧️

Pride in the mid 2020s: 5% off unwaxed dental floss at CVS for anyone with their right ear pierced