I woke up to find both Keanu Reeves and Novak Djokovic are following me on Mastodon 💅

Nothing on the internet will ever compare to the joy of using Napster for the first time.

@Saltssaltgirl that's bogo!

Don’t forget, all dads are 50% off tomorrow.

I now have more followers on Mastodon than my dad's stupid dog on Instagram. Who's a good boy now, huh dad??

everybody wants to be proud of their family.
when someone asks "is that one of yours?"
you wanna grin & nod.
nobody wants to say yea & feel the need to explain a lame excuse for some dumb bullshit they did.

Southwest Airlines is now offering an ultra-low airfare category called, “Wanna Stay Home.”

[at stud farm in middleburg]

Me: “So what do you feed them, Bill?
Breeder: “They get hay and the vet’s concoction to keep them horny.”
Me: “Oh really? What’s in it?”
Breeder: “Not sure, but it tastes like peppermint.”

Statistically, 1 in every 3 people in a relationship cheat so I only need to figure out if it’s my boyfriend or my husband.

@princesaballena if I were an ebay person, yes. I am not an ebay person because I would impulse bid on stuff like toys from my childhood, comic books, sports & scifi memorabilia, tools, etc

I like you but I'm not in like with you

if you're wearing pants on Saturday morning,
you should reprioritize some things

friendly reminder
the best part of being a parent is watching your grandkids drive your kids crazy.
it's a beautiful thing

@princesaballena I would totally impulse buy a box of superballs

I think I would like to have another kid one day...
two days, tops

I'm not tryna brag, but I had a toot score 11 favorites w 10 reblogs 😎

new black coworker: mack, where's the colored printer?

me: dude, it's 2023. you can use whatever fuckin printer you want!

do NOT lick the scented candles,
no matter how good they smell.
you know who you are.

if your date can suck all of the meat off of a rib or chicken wing bone in one bite?
they will definitely do those things you like.

@hybrid918 😂 great story