Updated to add source: Installation by Michael James Schneider, https://www.blcksmthdesign.com ❤️

Years 30-40 (so far): Learning that the rules of the game are just that: rules of a game, and that it's possible to play other games. Discovering that many other things I thought I knew are equally superficial or just plain wrong. Reckoning with foundational traumas and the fact that some limits and weaknesses will never be surmounted. Reckoning with the fact that I am a bag of meat that will be slowly falling apart and breaking until I die. Existential angst (only more so)

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Here's a basic outline of my life so far:

Years 0-10: Surviving. Being an information sponge. Experiencing foundational traumas. Enjoying life in a way I never will again, but not knowing it.

Years 10-20: Slowly and steadily becoming sentient. Learning the rules of the game through trial, error, and observations.

Years 20-30: Learning how to navigate those rules on my own. Reckoning with existential angst and my own mortality. Learning how to overcome some of my weaknesses.

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Love this graphic

This is why I absolutely loathe loud restaurants and bars. It takes enough mental energy to understand what people are saying normally. Throw in music and a couple dozen other people talking at the same time and it's really fucking annoying to try to hold a conversation.

Dis me (though not as bad)

https://youtu.be/tfJ7i_uKWSo

@skull Okay. I was going to comment that frame rotation could explain why those two corners were noisy but that's obviously not an issue with EQ mode.

@skull Are you using the Seestar in the default Alt/Az mode or EQ mode?

Somehow fell into a cleaning mood. Emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, hand-washed the couple of items that can't go in the dishwasher, wiped down the kitchen counters, took out the trash and recycling, and vacuumed the living room.

So now I can fuck off the rest of the day knowing I at least accomplished something. Just need to find a way to keep myself occupied enough the rest of my day that the brain weasels don't ruin it.

I just realized that I’ve spent something like 30 years masking the autistic desire to engage in comfort media. I only read a book or watch a show once because I feel like I’m weird (in a bad way) for watching the same, honestly kinda mid tv show over and over. (There are exceptions, but I have pointless, self imposed rules like “only once a year”)

I just finished a show for the second time recently. I have spent today in a funk because I want something else that scratches that exact itch but nothing does exactly that.

Except something does. It’s the show I just watched. I don’t actually want to watch something else, I want to rewatch the thing because I’m not done with it.

And it’s okay to do that. It doesn’t make me weird. At least, not in a bad way. And all I’m accomplishing by denying myself rewatching it is feeling sad and bored, while watching it makes me feel excited and energized.

So I’m gonna rewatch this show for the third time. And I’ll be happy I did. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Seriously idk who needs to hear this but unmasking also means you let yourself enjoy the things you enjoy without shame. Let yourself enjoy things.

Maybe this is one of those things where I might fare better if I stopped worrying about it. As in, maybe accepting this as a truth about myself — instead of constantly fretting about it — would make it easier to cope.

Like I say, I have much worth meditating on.

This week has reminded me of how difficult it is for me to find a good "work-life balance".

It's like it's all or nothing — either I'm mentally detached from work and barely keeping up (but staying in mental equilibrium), or I become hyperfocused and dump all of my energy into it (leaving me exhausted and prone to depression and burnout).

I don't know how to walk the middle path.

It's dark and rainy here today and it's sucking all the energy out of me.

I was actually somewhat productive at my job this week for a change, but all that did was remind me of how much I hate working because it's like I can feel it slowly killing me. I have a lot worth meditating on, which is annoying because I'm too tired to get myself into the zone.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much from meditation. That would be ironic.

It was anarchy out there. People were growing vegetables in the street

Yesterday I (somehow) managed to rekindle the old spark and my love of technology. I got locked into hyperfocus and stayed up far too late, but I had fun making progress on a project I've been neglecting (which involved reverse engineering software in Ghidra).

I'm not sure exactly what I did differently yesterday, but it had something to do with letting go of my own emotional need to *get things done*. One of those Zen moments where I only started doing it after I stopped trying to do it lol

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a whirlpool - keep moving, focus, concentrate, and funnel your energy, and drag down anyone who gets too close.