You get to be an animorph but only the bugs

Hello,
I hope this email finds you well,
Bababooey.

Sincerely,

It’s unsettling when protein shake ads make it look like a yummy drink to enjoy instead of something you choke down as fast as possible.

Tis the season to walk by the bag of cadbury mini eggs 50 times a day, sneak one egg and think about how naughty you are for doing it

Gym goals? 6’5”, blue eyes, trust fund or just a big guy to treat me like an object

Really proud of people that early vote. Me? I want to wait in a line during the work day and exercise my civic duty to not work (and vote).

If dawn soap is good enough for ducks I don’t know why we don’t all use it as body wash

If anyone asks where I am, tell them I’m disassociating with the gals at brunch on three brands of tranquilizers.

I was able to plug a USB in correctly the first time without flipping it around twice. Where’s my award?

This isn’t a haiku
It’s not a haiku at all in fact
It really isn’t one

Chubby bunny but with spoons of mayo

Remember those nerds candy mcflurries that existed before I found out I was lactose intolerant? Me too, me too.

Is no one going to talk about how all the sound effects in Pokemon are just mouth sounds by some dude? The rotom phone is just some guy saying “bzzz”

The perfect food pairing is a main dish of tide pods, glass of liquid hand soap, and for dessert a dishwasher pod.

You can tell when a gay doesn’t have queer friends because they don’t have anyone to tell them things are cringe, and no one to encourage them to make bad life choices.

If a cat makes biscuits what does a dog make

Mentally, Im still relaxing in bed ignoring the real world exists

Sending my kids to school with the body of christ lunchable

I’ll be able to die happy once the final chapter of Shrek drops in 2026