Freddie Mercury: Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to me.

Cop who just lobbed tear gas canister: Oh shit oh fuck

Personally, I enjoy it when terrible people are mad at each other

Alpha Male:
- loud
- sexist
- not a real thing

Alpaca Male:
- loud
- soft & fuzzy
- women actually want one

Me: The heart wants what the heart wants.

Her: (holding my hand in a rainstorm) And what does your heart want?

Me: (gently caressing her face) Burrito

@adhdeanasl Well, when in Rome…

I’ve not been keeping up with Mastodon, what are the Pope jokes like

It’s cute you think the disco is the only place I panic

I'm no epidemiologist, but what if for public health we got rid of all the scientists and their centuries of human knowledge clawed from the vast sea of human ignorance with rigor and testing, and turn it all over to people who were educated by vape-pen bro podcasts and their own magical thinking.

[First day as a couples therapist]
Me: ok, now load the dishwasher

You know when you're eating a hard candy, and as you go on and on, it becomes thinner and more fragile and finally you prod it gently, and it just shatters?

This is a toot about Jesse Watters and masculine ego.

What Trump, Musk, et. al. are doing to the US might be referred to as the Shitzkrieg.

A tribute act called MC Screwdriver

"Meow."

(this post was sent by the cat)

Why are they still using a fucking spotlight to summon Batman. It’s 2025, use the app.

Doctor: Your appendix is enlarged.

JRR Tolkien: Don’t you fuckin touch it

Our time his finally come ladies!

She’s a ten but she has absolutely no respect for Godzilla.

At that age when I can safely call people ‘my sweet summer child’

AI is like “Here, let me make your sentence more grammatically corrupt.”

People were so high in the 1960s they made Canned Heat's cover of "Going Up the Country" a hit song in spite of it featuring a flute solo and being sung by a muppet and not even one of the talented muppets.