[me after Iβm told that the matrix is real] Do I have to get out, canβt you just let me lie here
A very good boy :verified:
[me after Iβm told that the matrix is real] Do I have to get out, canβt you just let me lie here
[yelling just as the music dies down]
I SAID I THINK I CLOGGED THe toilet
[to the waiter]
Are you telling me the potatoes were fried in France
[family meeting]β¨After a lot of discussion, prayer, and soul searching, your mother and I have decided to watch The Bear
Nice thing that you value above all else you have there. Be a shame if something terrible that I am vaguely, but not directly, threatening to doβbut we both know what I meanβwere to happen to it
Everywhere you go, people are naming their babies Geoff and itβs very fucked up if you ask me
I love it when a man looks so deeply into my eyes, itβs like you can see my soul
Optometrist: OMG please stop talking
[arriving in prison]
Wow, Iβm gonna make so many new friends
I donβt understand why they gotta be like that. I mean, if you want to organize for something, organize for something that doesnβt hurt anybody, affects only you and will actually make you feel good. Like, why not Moms for Cunnilingus From my Husband
@ndweiss ππππππππππππππππππππππβ¦
@ndweiss Thatβs the number of kisses I want to give you
Women: I should run the dishwasher, those dishes have been in there since yesterday
Men: There are shit streaks in my toilet, Iβll clean them with my pee stream
Just me, but if I were James Bond, I would simply kill the villain guy as soon as I met him and then go on vacation for a couple of weeks
Nothing pisses me off more than when a friend gets into a serious car accident after Iβve told them to drive safe
My husband had to wait for 6 years to capture this view of #TheNeedles.
Taken as the #moon set at 4.30 am last summer. This shot is only possible a couple of times each year. He almost had it in 2016 but it was slightly too breezy and the telephoto lens couldn't keep in focus.
It causes controversy as some think it's fake, I promise you that it is not. It involved much research, persistence and luck with the weather! It's the cover shot on our 2024 calendar #IsleofWight #photography
You know what doesnβt make βa lick of sense,β grandpa? βA lick of senseβ
(whispering to him with tears in my eyes as we watch my granddaughterβs piano recital) Sheβs terrible.
βFull communism or get the fuck out, bitch.β I announce. The rest of the bar patrons beat my ass to a pulp. It is not clear what I was trying to accomplish
Alternate headline: The Most Cringy Shit on Earth is Going to Be Happening Online Tomorrow Night. Be Anywhere Else if You Can Help It
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/ron-desantis-presidential-bid-campaign-elon-musk-rcna85288
@Livingmarble True. this makes me feel a LOT better