I wish nothing but bad things for people who drive loud vehicles.

I had a dream about my wife where we talked about having sex but didn't have sex. Must my dreams be so literal?

My wife has officially become a "Hold on, I have exact change… oh no, never mind" type of person. Meanwhile, I remain stoic, as always.

Happy Friday??? What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a happy Friday or do you mean that it is a happy Friday whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel happy on this particular Friday. Or are you simply stating that this is a Friday to be happy on?

I have a feeling that a lot of this AI bullshit came from the same type of people who complain about having a "boring office job." As opposed to what? A stressful job? No job at all??

My celebrity crushes? Hmm… do 80s pornstars count?

One time as a kid I was playing Dungeons & Dragons, and I wanted clarification about the spell Limited Wish. The dungeon master told me, "You wish for something, but limited." Thanks, that was helpful.

It has never been easier to acknowledge the receipt of a birthday card, and yet so many people in my family just… don't. Did they get the card? Do the appreciate the sentiment of said card? Dunno!

Wow, some of you people have no problem using the worst slang terms in the history of humanity.

It's probably a good idea to not put ketchup on hot dogs as an adult, but it's also probably a better idea to not eat hot dogs at all.

"He is the most transparent president in the nation's history." True, if by that you mean it is obvious to everyone on the planet how awful of a leader he is.

If Earth is becoming unlivable due to the actions of the richest people on the planet, why would we move to Mars where those same people would also be in charge?

I would be a fantastic recluse.

I am a terrible actor, until I am asked to share my feelings about anything.

Falling birth rates? Oh thank goodness. Have you tried to walk through a mall on a Saturday? Enough already with the births.

Hey, that show looks interesting.
"Not streaming on Peacock."
Oh, that's a shame.

My left testicle is sore, and I didn't even do anything fun with it.

Every time I meet someone who owns a big, lifted truck, I think, "Yeah, this is the exact kind of a person who would own one of those."

Please do not bring back audio cassette tapes. Just don't. They were awful for a variety of reasons. Bring back MiniDiscs, because that was solid technology that deserved to be successful, and it did everything cassettes could do, but better.

wife (of 22 years): Wait, you're actually Jewish?
me: Technically, yes. I was born to a Jewish mother. Are you just now realizing this?
wife: I thought your dad was Jewish.
me: No, he's a goy, but two of his three wives are Jewish.
wife: I guess he has a type.