MY KID'S SCHOOL: If your child is going to be absent, please either call in or send an excuse on the portal as why they're not in school.
ME: Okay. (calls in AND marks it on portal.)
MY KID'S SCHOOL: Your kid wasn't here today DO YOU KNOW WHY???? SCHOOL IS VERY IMPORTANT, MMMKAY?

Open a new 529 account and receive a $50 bonus!"

Okay first of all, you could not PAY me to look at my retirement and college funds balance right now

But secondly, how many kids do they think I have? Do they think I opened college accounts for 2 of them but not the 3rd one I keep in the basement?

"Maybe if I drink a bit more coffee, this headache will go away," she said optimistically, as she continued to sit hunched like a gremlin and gritting her teeth at the state of the world.

ME: Okay I started my profile and connected with 8 of my classmates. Could you suggest other people I know?
LINKEDIN: Nope! Here's a bunch of random people with cheesy education posts with pencil clipart!
FACEBOOK: Here's a guy you went on 2 dates with in 2002 and do not share any mutual friends

My son: Can I watch a show I saw while we were signing up for Tubi?
Me, slightly skeptical: Okay, what is it?
My son: It's about a bionic detective.
Me, still skeptical: Is it inappropriate?
Him: It's animated?
Me: *scroll through list of shows*
Him: *points* There it is!
Me: INSPECTOR GADGET?

Watched Predator last night with my son and when it got to this part he yelled HEYYYYYYYYYYY

HEY! YOU! DOES YOUR WRITER WEBSITE NEED UPDATING? 👀

By popular(?) demand(??), this Sunday is Update Your Damn Website, a workshop where you'll... well, what the title suggests. We'll set our intentions at the start, check in w/our progress, and show & tell at the end.

https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/nTq4nptSTL6AsScrZeEKbw

There is this one tree branch that was growing directly towards my living room window so they trimmed it, and I'll be damned if the squirrel that lives in the tree doesn't come and sit on that branch and STARE DIRECTLY INTO MY CAT'S EYES while he eats

One time he brought a whole-ass sandwich

HEY! YOU! DOES YOUR WRITER WEBSITE NEED UPDATING? 👀

By popular(?) demand(??), this Sunday is Update Your Damn Website, a workshop where you'll... well, what the title suggests. We'll set our intentions at the start, check in w/our progress, and show & tell at the end.

https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/nTq4nptSTL6AsScrZeEKbw

Following his new obsession with watching the evening news, my son has started reading the daily news on the internet and emailing me a curated list of the "most fun" news stories 🥹

I swear, financial advice headlines are secretly written by socialists to make people start building guillotines

I had a dream that vampires took over America bc we were too dumb not to drive ourselves into extinction and they were worried about losing their food source

...and they came & wanted me to run the NEA but I was like "I'm not sure I want to work for vampires"

Today's project is "secretly repainting the hallway before our landlord comes in and sees The Great Coffee Accident of 2025" 🖌️🎨

I was out weeding the lawn with my son yesterday and I got a tiny cut on my hand from some weed and now it's all red and inflamed

WTF I GOT A LAWN INJURY

@skyfaller Yeah Dems in PA keep it a swing state! I'm glad that ex-pats apparently vote at their last location FOREVER so I am STILL a Pennsylvania voter

There needs to be a workshop called "Update Your Damn Website" where you're locked in a room and someone pops in once an hour and you show them your damn website until it's updated and they let you out

Okay we just need 100K Democrats with remote jobs to move to Wyoming and South Dakota

@GrahamDowns Not too bad, and at least it's my left hand. But it will be annoying for a day or two 🫠

Well! Burned the hell out of my hand to start the day. Shaping up to be a great week!

Lol @ my bank offering me a free trial to a meditation app

"Oh hey there everyone we know you're really stressed bc THE ENTIRE AMERICAN ECONOMY IS BURNING DOWN so maybe go listen to some rain fall on a tin roof or something idk"