Are the girls back from going wild yet

but has anyone ever told you they were going to prog rock your world?

When astronaut Michael Collins took his family to Disney World he dropped them off, then hung out in the parking lot until they were ready to go home.

Hoping my Toot well doesn't run dry. Teet well is a last resort.

If a toot has a bunch of retoots but no likes, I’m not gonna be the one to break rank.

Have a weird day.

The day after His birth-

"Look at this manger! It's mangled! The manager is going to be pissed that I let those people throw a party in here last night."

According to commercials, people with Plaque Psoriasis are having the time of their lives and I'm here with normal skin all bored and shit.

I dunno, man. If I was facing 91 criminal counts, I'd be making peace with the fact that my ass is gonna see the inside of a jail cell pretty soon. But sure, call a press conference or whatever.

Dear Movie Reviewers: They're not all equal. The dialog in the Jason Statham action flick may be stunted, sure, but the car chases in Tom Stoppard-penned movies suck.

my money is on the answer being "hike downhill"

Me and my brother used to slap eachother with empty Disney VHS cases when we fought. Physical media, how else you gonna whoop your brother’s ass?

Imagine how good a cannibal would have to be at something to be remembered for that instead. That’s this rice krispie square.

A friend of mine owned a dozing service. Insomniacs would hire him to come to their houses and sleep for them. He was good at it too.

Finding a can of unused shaving cream that hasn’t already been sampled at the Walmart. Try that in a small town!

Mastodon combines 2 of my favourite things - memes and talking to myself.

If you share a lot about your southern breakfast staple, that’s gritsposting

[posting on mastodon]
a smarter audience will appreciate this

6 IMPORTANT DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LOVING SOMEONE AND STABBING THEM IN THE FACE

My retirement plan is to ask to take a sip of someone else’s fortune then backwash in it.