“You look good,” she says.
“What, this old thing?” I ask, gesturing to my face.
“You look good,” she says.
“What, this old thing?” I ask, gesturing to my face.
i hope one day computers can feel pain, because they deserve it
I just want to pull this baked sweet potato up over my shoulders and go to sleep
@rpardee 😎
@Minnesnowta seriously!!!
twitter blue is like paying to lower the basketball hoop and forcing everyone to watch you still miss
For $8/month, I will teach anyone how to leave Twitter.
the two options for furniture in america are a $85 table made of spit and paper and a $4,485 table made of wood out of a tree that some one kissed every day
people with too much or not enough going on: I have visceral opinions about movies that haven’t come out yet
me, regular amount of goings on: ok but I’m still pretty busy
me: *gets 1 bar of service after they clear some rubble off the collapse of civilization*
my phone: DING! new episode is now on Hulu DING! new episode is now on Prime Video DING! new episode is now on Apple TV+ DING! new episode is now on HBOMAX
CHOO CHOO! new weather alert for
[three ufos in a trench coat] how about this weather
How to apply mascara:
- Pull wand from tube
- Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Woman on the internet: men are bad
Men on the internet: hey bitch, allow me to 1000% prove your point in the comments
her: so what do ya think about kids?
guy who invented banana flavored candy: I hate them
[when the article i'm reading has a sentence i've already read bolded in large text] ugh i know. i already read that
[when the article i'm reading has a sentence i haven't read bolded in large text] wtf spoilers
anyone can start a podcast. my goal *pulling out a sword* is to stop one
A kid falls out of a tree: “I'm fine!”
An adult sleeps on their neck at a slightly askew angle: “I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week.”
Please do not force entertainment on me where I am a captive audience. If you start walking up and down the aisle singing to me on an airplane, I am opening the exit door.
There is nothing more disconcerting than a label on your child’s clothing that says, “KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE.” I…was planning to?