“You look good,” she says.

“What, this old thing?” I ask, gesturing to my face.

i hope one day computers can feel pain, because they deserve it

I just want to pull this baked sweet potato up over my shoulders and go to sleep

@rpardee 😎

@Minnesnowta seriously!!!

twitter blue is like paying to lower the basketball hoop and forcing everyone to watch you still miss

For $8/month, I will teach anyone how to leave Twitter.

the two options for furniture in america are a $85 table made of spit and paper and a $4,485 table made of wood out of a tree that some one kissed every day

people with too much or not enough going on: I have visceral opinions about movies that haven’t come out yet

me, regular amount of goings on: ok but I’m still pretty busy

me: *gets 1 bar of service after they clear some rubble off the collapse of civilization*

my phone: DING! new episode is now on Hulu DING! new episode is now on Prime Video DING! new episode is now on Apple TV+ DING! new episode is now on HBOMAX
CHOO CHOO! new weather alert for

[three ufos in a trench coat] how about this weather

the first rule of don’t fight club is let’s talk about it

How to apply mascara:
- Pull wand from tube
- Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

Woman on the internet: men are bad

Men on the internet: hey bitch, allow me to 1000% prove your point in the comments

her: so what do ya think about kids?
guy who invented banana flavored candy: I hate them

[when the article i'm reading has a sentence i've already read bolded in large text] ugh i know. i already read that

[when the article i'm reading has a sentence i haven't read bolded in large text] wtf spoilers

anyone can start a podcast. my goal *pulling out a sword* is to stop one

A kid falls out of a tree: “I'm fine!”

An adult sleeps on their neck at a slightly askew angle: “I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week.”

Please do not force entertainment on me where I am a captive audience. If you start walking up and down the aisle singing to me on an airplane, I am opening the exit door.

There is nothing more disconcerting than a label on your child’s clothing that says, “KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE.” I…was planning to?