Really enjoying the fact that men have yet to realize that sex robots were a quick and effective way to distract men while women finish taking over the world. It’s like, PAINFULLY obvious….

We walked so the memes of today could run.

Be the karma you wish to see in the world.

Immaturity is thinking Tidal is Fiona Apple’s best album.

Maturity is knowing that The Idler Wheel is actually the one that hits the hardest.

Why are people stupid enough to conduct business and illegal activities through e-mail??

We can all play like it’s not on our minds, but I just gotta know on a scale of 1-10 how good was Trump at giving head?

Unnecessary personal information alert.

Every time I have sex I think back to an episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche explains how when you’re on top your tits look great but your face sags, and when you’re on the bottom your face looks great but your tits hang over the sides. It’s haunted me for years.

It was pretty fucked up that everyone continued to gaslight Mr. Crocker on The Fairly Oddparents, meanwhile he’s fucking losing his mind because he *knows* that there are fairies wondering about. And like, he’s 100% correct, but everyone else is making him think he’s crazy. It’s a fucked up world out there. Don’t let ANYONE gaslight you into thinking you didn’t see any magical flying creatures.

No, maybe we didn’t start the fire… but we definitely continued to feed it.

Cramps? Why would you think I have… Oh, that? That’s just my emotional support heating pad.

Beaver moon will rise tonight.

Is that like when you bend over forwards and flash someone your vag and bu**hole from behind?

As a kid I hated Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched because she was always sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. As an adult I realized she was the most relatable part of that show.

What ARE cooties??

Don’t ask people for advice. As far as I can tell we are all just kids dancing in front of the mirror trying to figure out if we are actually doing it right, or if we look like fucking idiots.

Officially at the age where I really find the ads played during Judge Judy reruns to be helpful.

Do you think ghosts interact with one another, and like do they have best friend ghosts and enemy ghosts? Is one ever like, “Oh god, here comes Bob with his fucking ‘BOO AHHHH OHHHHH’s”. And then the catty ghosts who mock the other ghosts for wearing last season’s sheets.

I have a theory that whatever age you are when you REALLY start to understand SNL is the age you get emotionally stuck at.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but you KNOW the main discussion after sobering up from those pina coladas had to be about the fact that they were both meeting up to cheat on each other.

When you keep jumping from one toxic relationship to another one.

@weit_im_westen mentally I’m here