I don't really feel safe around other people, and that's OK. I'm afraid I'm not safe for most other people either, and that's OK too.

I'm traumatised, and I have defensive mechanisms that people find difficult. These things didn't happen overnight, and they don't heal overnight.

But most people are not aware of their own triggers, or their own defensive mechanisms. Even fewer are able to explicitly let me know that they understand mine, and that it is OK. Some of what's happened has been very hurtful… for everyone.

In safer times, I'd have the capacity to work through some of that stuff with people.

For now, it's OK that I can't.

I lost everything that was familiar and safe and comforting almost overnight.

I still don't have a home. My son still doesn't have a father. I still don't have much in the way of connection with other people.

I'm slowly working through the things that need to be done. I am not making any actual *progress* but that is out of my control.

It still hurts. It just doesn't hurt as much as it did.

The lake is still the only place I ever really feel safe, but I don't go there much any more. I was there because I had important business at the house.

Cause I took a wee lil' stroll from Carrick Hill up to Eagle on the Hill (well, to the Measday's Lookout actually) last week while waiting for my car's fuel filter to be replaced.

On the Hill

@justanotheramy everyone else's fault

At least, that's the general vibe I get

@justanotheramy cause the kicked puppy routine seems to be based on this idea of not *actively* doing something harmful… and wilfully ignoring the consequences of inaction, or passively allowing things to happen.

@justanotheramy Same. But it's useful to reframe some of that.

He didn't clean the gutters… (so they filled with stuff that went down the stormwater downpipe and into the pump, destroying it).

I'm trying my best to untangle the mess that he's left for me… that he *always* left for me to deal with.

I keep being amazed at the damage someone can do by doing nothing at all.

Hierarchy of Needs

@rood nah, he knows there's a lot of them, outside. He specifically brought this one inside and this is just straight up "give me my rat back, mum" 😂

@rood I would like the cat to stop making it necessary, please. :cate:

Little jerk is still looking for Rattus this morning, like, "I left it here, in the shower, where did it go?"

YOU WATCHED ME KILL IT, CAT

@rood it’s not a task I enjoy but at least it’s… less bad… although even my past incompetence is better than what the cat seemed to be doing

Dammit cat, I didn't want to learn how to euthanise a rodent today.

@Kath No, I had someone with me, which is good because it's just remote enough, with no mobile reception, that you *really* wouldn't want something to go wrong.

@Kath It's a challenging hike. Probably doesn't help that there's almost no actual... flat... walking... at ANY point... for 12 whole kilometres... man my hip flexors are tired just thinking about it