Turns out I had USB drives defined in /etc/fstab, and now systemd treats every line as critical! #AYFKMRN so, once I got to a usable commandline, sudo nano /etc/fstab and add these bits: nofail, x-systemd.device-timeout=5 to the fstab lines! So if you have this headache like I did, now you know how to fix it! #infotech #grumbles #FuckingStepoffSystemd #GodDamnUpdates It's a good god damn thing I know my way around. (2/3)