Normal Island News
Trump declares Venezuela "liberated" now that it is sending oil to Israel
President Trump has announced that Venezuela has been “liberated” now that it is sending oil to Israel. The president, who needed a distraction from the 960,000 redactions of his name in the Epstein files, said: “This is a great day for Venezuela’s oil which gets to experience human rights for the first time in decades.”
Normal Island News
The FBI's fuck ups are making it really hard to pretend that Epstein is dead
There is now enough weirdness around Epstein that even sensible journalists like me are saying he allegedly took his life. We’re just not sure anymore! It looks like this could be another case of us timidly accepting the official story, and then discovering we were lied to. You’d think we’d have learnt our lesson by now, wouldn’t you?
British prime minister #MorganMcSweeney has resigned due to the revelations about #PeterMandelson in the #Epstein files — the biggest scandal since Dominic Cummings drove his kids to Barnard Castle to check his eyesight.
#McSweeney had governed the UK via his proxy Sir Keir #Starmer for the past 18 months, but his reign has sadly come to an end. He will be missed by everyone who thinks the country is heading in the right direction, which is no one.
https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/british-prime-minister-morgan-mcsweeney
Normal Island News
British Prime Minister Morgan McSweeney resigns due to Epstein files
Normally, I don’t write two newsletters in a day because I’m too lazy, but a huge story has broken that I have to cover so you’re getting an extra one. Aren’t you lucky? Okay, here goes…
British prime minister Morgan McSweeney has resigned due to the revelations about Peter Mandelson in the Epstein files
Normal Island News
Operation Epstein Distraction finds miracle cures for every illness!
You can’t have failed to notice the number of miracle cures that have appeared over the last few days. We’re talking about HPV, MS, haemophilia, six types of cancer, and depression. We’re even talking about repairing injured spinal cords. I’m not sure if they have found a cure for paedophilia though.
Normal Island News
Tributes pour in as Ghislaine Maxwell sadly passes away tomorrow
"Ghislaine Maxwell has tragically taken her own life tomorrow night, hours before she was scheduled to testify to congress about the Epstein files. It is understood Maxwell committed suicide due to doubts she would blame everything on Russia.
At the time of the suicide, the camera to Maxwell’s cell were switched off and the guards were sleeping."
I don't wish to upset you, but Epstein could bring down the British prime minister
"It’s been a strange couple of days for me.I’ve been coming to terms with the fact the guy they called “Prince of Darkness” turned out to be a wrong ‘un.
When Sir Keir Starmer made Peter Mandelson the UK’s ambassador to the US,I,like my corporate media colleagues, was willing to give the Prince of Darkness a second, third, fourth…I think it’s seventh chance"
Normal Island News
If you thought the Epstein stuff was weird, you have seen nothing yet
"Now you’re gonna think I’m making this story up, but you should know I don’t write satire anymore and this one is 100% factual, like everything I write these days. By the time you’re finished reading, you’re gonna think I need a psychiatric evaluation though!"
Normal Island News
Peter Mandelson has been a very naughty boy
You will be distraught to hear that your favourite Lord since Voldemort, Peter Mandelson, has found himself in a spot of bother in the Epstein files.
As one of the most beloved members of Blair’s government, Mandelson made everyone jump for joy when he returned to politics to become ambassador to the US.
#NormalIslandNews #satire #Mandelson #Epstein #politics #corruption #fascism
Normal Island News
Elon is so weird that he was even rejected by the paedophiles at Epstein Island
You probably thought nothing could be worse than being a paedophile who owns dungeons and Satanic temples and a private rape island and abducts girls and eats babies, but imagine being the person who begged to join his parties and was rejected for being too creepy. That is sadly the position that Elon Musk found himself in.
Normal Island News
Trump condemns Iran for placing its country among US military bases
President Trump has condemned Iran for an unprovoked act of aggression that has raised the terrifying prospect of all-out war in the Middle East.
Through an unknown technique, presumably time travel, Iranians positioned their country where they knew the US would build military bases 7,000 years later.
Normal Island News
Americans beg Iran to intervene as death toll in Minneapolis reaches 80,000
The desperate American people have pleaded with the Ayatollah of Iran to intervene after the death toll in Minneapolis reached 80,000.
While we only have evidence of a handful of Americans being murdered, my colleagues at the BBC have reviewed secret footage that you’re not allowed to see.
#NormalIslandNews #satire #Minneapolis #fascism #ICE #brutality
Normal Island News
2026: the year the World Economic Forum admitted that every conspiracy theory is real...
"I expect you are distraught this year’s World Economic Forum has come to an end, and once again, you missed out because you didn’t get an invitation. Luckily, you can stop crying because I was a special guest, just like I am every year, and I’m more than happy to give you the lowdown!"
#NormalIslandNews #satire #Davos #fascism #politics #oligarchs #elites
Americans beg #Iran to intervene as death toll in #Minneapolis reaches 80,000
https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/americans-beg-iran-to-intervene-as
BREAKING: The #ayatollah of #Iran says he is weighing up the possibility of a war of liberation if #ICE agents don't stop murdering peaceful protesters in the US.
from #NormalIslandNews
Normal Island News
Bank of England making emergency plans for aliens in move that makes satirists redundant
In an extraordinary attack on political satire, Helen McCaw, a senior analyst at the UK’s central bank, has advised we make contingencies for confirmation of the existence of alien life.
Now a story this ridiculous would usually go no further than The Daily Mail, right after it was rejected by The Onion.
Normal Island News
Tony Blair appointed to Gaza Board of Peace after Satan was unavailable
Sir Tony Blair has been appointed to the Gaza Board of Peace after Satan was unavailable and Genghis Khan said "no" because it might harm his reputation. Blair was awakened from his sleep inside the Ghostbusters 2 painting to take up the role. He looks forward to being reinvigorated by the screams of Palestinian children.
Greatest ever FIFA Peace Prize winner is finally given Nobel Peace Prize
The greatest ever winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, Donald Trump, has finally been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. If you’re unfamiliar with the Nobel Peace Prize, it is usually given to the least bad war criminal of the last 12 months. This differs from the FIFA Peace Prize which is given to the person who can help the FIFA president avoid corruption charges.
Normal Island News
Brave Iranian feminists scrawl "Trump" across their breasts while waiting for bombs to liberate them
As the Maduro thing fizzled out and the Epstein thing didn’t, President Trump desperately needed an excuse to bomb Iran, and right on cue, those brave Iranians spontaneously started rioting. It was the best coincidence because it gave us the excuse to liberate their oil and their hot women.
Normal Island News
US hoping to make man King of Iran in the name of democracy
As mass protests erupt across the US, it is important that we in the western media give you wall-to-wall coverage of the protests... in Iran. It has been reported that 48 protesters have been killed across the Islamic Republic so far. Obviously, this is far more concerning than the 100 Venezuelans who were murdered by Trump so he could abduct their president.
