#WhenYouElectMe, we’re fixing toilet paper. All TP sold in the US will have to carry a label adhering to a standard unit of measurement, the Wipe-Inch, defined as one square inch of one side of the TP, regardless of ply count.
No more guessing “can 4 ultra rolls wipe more ass than 6 mega rolls?” You’ll just be able to compare the Wipe-Inches number on the package. 🧻💩
#WhenYouElectMe, I’ll sign an executive order directing Medicare to provide every AI bro with a free castration, whether he wants it or not.
#WhenYouElectMe, I’ll direct the Federal Trade Commission to forbid advertisements featuring Santa, reindeer, or Christmas music after December 25th and continuing until the subsequent Thanksgiving. Violations will be punishable by a fine not to exceed 100 times the offending company’s gross revenue.
@neilasaurus @DrJackBrown #WhenYouElectMe, anyone who calls the military “woke” will be drafted for a year of scrubbing sewage tanks at Camp Lejeune. I’m ampersine and I approve this message.
#WhenYouElectMe, I won't be an authoritarian fuckwad like Tim Scott is.
I fully oppose the death penalty, except for telemarketers. #WhenYouElectMe, I’ll sign an executive order directing the FCC to create an Office of Call Termination, where “termination” will have new meaning for the telecommunications industry.
#WhenYouElectMe, I'll direct the Treasury to freeze the assets of any company whose TV commercials mention the following terms:
- "butt cheeks"
- "butt crack"
- "butt odor"
#WhenYouElectMe, we're going to reduce the military budget by 20 billion dollars and reallocate those funds to HHS.
A sanitary and disease-free population being squarely in the interest of national security, I'll invoke the Defense Production Act to manufacture inconceivable volumes of toilet paper at low cost, distributing a continuous supply of soft, two-ply shit tickets to all Americans.
In the richest country on Earth, taking a dump shouldn't have a price tag. Thank you for your #vote!
