Riding the Avalanche
#ThingsYouCantUnsay
Every time I acted from my masks, I placed a stone. One for each mask.
Every second I breathed, I acted from my masks.
Half a statistical cis lifetime of breaths built a terrifying mountain. I don’t know how tall - the plain below has been hidden below the cloud layer for a very long time.
When I tore off the cis mask and the man mask, I felt so free.
What I didn’t understand was I had other masks, the manifestations of other closets, and that those were just as toxic to me.
I didn’t mean to build up a life that was based on erroneous assumptions about who I am, but I did, because in a society absolutely dedicated to preventing you from knowing yourself, avoiding the hermeneutical injustice of creating relationships based on mistaken assumptions is difficult.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say society is dedicated to preventing you from knowing yourself, then you have either my congratulations that you got lucky and fit perfectly into who society wants you to be, or my condolences on what you may yet learn about yourself and its implications for your future.
If you know, then this essay is dedicated to you.
Because when you find out you aren’t who society told you to be, you have a choice.
It’s just one choice. You only ever get the one.
In some ways, that’s nice. The choice itself is uncomplicated. It’s extremely simple, in fact.
It is: are you going to be who you are, or not?
It is a very hard choice.
I married without the understanding that I’m a traumatized, trans, asexual, polyamorous lesbian.
After coming out as trans, I experienced the ongoing stress of being in the closet. I could feel it in my body, in my muscles, in my organs. I came to understand what I feel like when the closet is present in my life.
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