TWIN WIHTOUT A TWIN
LIVING AS A TWIN WITHOUT THEIR TWIN BRINGS GRIEF, GUILT AND THE NEED FOR HEALING
Observing identical or fraternal twins is often a fascinating phenomenon. Two siblings sharing genetic makeup, similar mannerisms and a mirror image are unique.
The world of twins is extremely extraordinary.
But when one twin dies and the other is left to navigate life on their own, the remaining person, who has been entangled with their twin conception, is left alone, claiming the identity of a twinless twin.
In Coping with the Loss of a Twin; Understanding the Unique Challenges and Finding Support, Adrian Diaz explores how twins who are left on their own navigate their lives and find support.
“Twins share a unique connection, often formed in the womb, that continues throughout their lives. This bond is not just physical, but emotional, psychological, and sometimes even spiritual,” he writes.
Diaz goes on to say that when a twin dies, the remaining twin feels an intense sense of loss and struggles to redefine their identity as a person.
Having personal experience as a twin, the bond is strong and all encompassing. Living as identical twins for four months, reports from family members say that the two of us were happy and content. After the unfortunate death of my twin due to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), life took on a different meaning.
SIDS, also known as Crib Death, is an unexplained death that happens to an infant up to one year old, but most commonly between the ages of one to four months.
The remaining baby twin feels a sense of loss and confusion and often searches for their twin. Irritability and crying can occur.
Surviving twins have affirmed a feeling of ‘survivor’s guilt’, or a consistent guilty feeling about why they were able to live while their twins died. This relates to twins of any age.
In her article, The Unique Experience of Twins Dealing with Grief: Survivor’s Guilt and Support Groups, Anita Chauhan explores the experiences of surviving twins.
“Survivors’ guilt is a big one and so many of us experience this. I still feel that guilt, even after years of therapy because I often wonder why her and not me…the guilt makes me feel like I must make my life more meaningful, I feel like I must live life for her too,” she writes.
In my experience of losing my twin as a 4-month-old, the age of 14 presented a particularly difficult time. The formal operational stage of logical thinking begins at this age. A typical 14-year-old reaches an age of analytical reasoning and creative thought processes.
At that age, a litany of questions began to overtake my life: Why did she die? Why did I survive? How can I keep living? Where is her spirit? What is SIDS? Why is there SIDS? What actually happens to a baby’s heart during SIDS? Does SIDS happen all over the world? How can we stop it? What would she have been like? Would she have been taller than I was? Would she have preferred chocolate over my favourite, butterscotch? What is a twinless twin?
Much questioning, researching, writing, talking, and more questioning took place. There were no answers, but what did develop was a 14-year-old’s desire to understand SIDS, accept life as a twinless twin and find resilience to live fully.
There are many twinless twins all over the world. Many twins have died as infants, while other twins have passed away at various ages.
Dr. Raymond W. Brandt is an identical twinless twin who started an organization called Twinless Twins Support Group International (TTSGI).
His intent was to create a support group where twinless twins could express their feelings, find affirmation and offer support and encourage healing by helping other twins through the grieving process and through life itself. TTSGI offers a number of supports for grieving twins, including Facebook connections, books, local conferences and annual conferences.
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