Confession time.
I have a bit of a mirror kink.
And at one time, I dated a guy who had full-length mirrors on his closet doors parallel to the bed. I was in heaven.
I mean, it is pretty hot watching yourself having sex. I recommend everyone try it sometime.
But as I will mention in my upcoming A-spot post, I’ve been considering how I imagine and fantasize from the third person rather than a first-person perspective, given that Neville Goddard claims that for visualizations to turn into manifestations, one must “think from” the state desired and not merely “of” the state desired.
When I read this from Neville, the distinction between thinking from vs thinking of got my attention. It made me realize that I do most of my visualizing by “thinking of” that is, by visualizing the scene in the third person.
Maybe that’s why I’ve never really liked reading fiction told in the first-person and prefer third-person narration; I just don’t visualize myself as being the character.
For example, if I visualize a scene I wish to manifest like driving down PCH in a sportscar with the top down at 80 mph, I don’t see the scene as the driver or passenger sitting in the car; I see it as if I’m a bird flying above the car.
I think it’s interesting that my memories happen in first person while my visualizations, fantasies, or imaginings happen in third person. And, according to Neville, the more powerful way to visualize is in the first person, by thinking from the scene as if you’re living it, which makes sense to me as far as manifestation goes.
Truth be told, we live our lives in the first-person perspective. The only time we’re not in the first-person perspective is when we’re watching a movie or reading a book. (And I wonder if the rise of movies and video changed how people tend to visualize across time.)
And when it comes to sex, doing it in front of a mirror is great but it doesn’t always happen that way. So I can’t help but wonder if perhaps mentally I’d be able to add more juice to my sexual gas pedal if I fantasized from the first-person since such a big part of being mentally turned on is fantasizing.
It’s easy for me to fantasize (in the third person) when I’m alone but when I’m hooking up with someone, it’s like the experience itself requires that I be in the first person- not only because I’m paying attention to my partner but also because my brain is in the process of making memories, which for me only happen in the first person. But if I’m masturbating, I’m not making any new memories; I’m fantasizing, and I do most of my fantasizing in the third person.
So apparently my brain can’t operate in the first person and make memories at the same time it’s operating in the third person visualizing. Like if you asked me to remember the last time I masturbated, I don’t visualize that in the first person. I actually visualize it in the third person because my brain was in the third person thinking about something else when it happened and my eyes were probably closed.
Maybe things would be easier if the perspective of my memories and the perspective of my fantasies or visualizations matched up. And I think it sounds way easier to change how I visualize than to change how my brain processes memories. After all, making memories from the third person would still require my brain to make up or imagine some of the visual information about myself that I’m not making a memory of unless I’m actively looking into a mirror to see myself.
Also, I think maybe part of being able to add more juice to my sexual gas pedal is being able to make fantasy and reality match up. So if I’m well practiced at fantasizing in the first person, I’ll likely be able to do the same thing when I’m actually having sex.
For instance, I can’t actually see the dick go in and out or how good my ass looks when he’s hitting it from behind unless I’m looking in a mirror. It’s easy enough for me to fantasize in third person but when I’m actually hooking up (sans mirrors), I’m not actually looking at my ass. I’m actually looking at other things like the blankets on the bed that my face is pressed into or my wrist stretched out in front of me that’s being pinned down by his hand.
Visualizing this particular position from the first person rather than third person forces me to concentrate on more than just my visual sense and imagine other erotic sensory input, particularly touch. Sound and smell could be in there as well but sans any erotic visuals, tactile sensation is what my brain goes to next. (I guess that’s why blindfolds can be so hot…) Because let’s face it, I’ve never met a duvet cover that just really did it for me visually when I got up close and personal with it during doggy style.
And maybe I’m just an autosexual but 9 times out of 10, the hottest thing for me visually is going to be some part of myself rather than some part of him (and seeing most of myself requires a mirror). The 10th time is when I’m looking at the dick.
Which, without mirrors, the only position where I as the woman in a hetero hookup can even kinda see the dick is missionary. Even when I’m giving head, I can’t see what’s inside my mouth, now can I? And now that I think about it, pretty much every sex position sans mirrors especially for hetero women involves looking at either her partner’s face and torso, or not seeing him at all- the notable exceptions being reverse cowgirl where the view is his legs, 69 where the view is his balls, and reverse face-sitting (basically 69 without the blowjob) where the view is everything except his face.
I guess until I wrote this, I didn’t realize just how much I relied on my visual sense as part of my fantasies- erotic or otherwise- whether that’s what I see with my eyes or what I imagine seeing with my brain.
But it does make sense now, especially when considering that when I hooked up with someone in the past who I didn’t find very handsome, I preferred positions where I was facing away from him, ostensibly so I could direct my visual faculties and imagination elsewhere. And it makes sense that I primarily use my visual sense for erotic stimulation given my mirror kink. However, I will say that one of the hottest encounters I’ve experienced is when my then-boyfriend and I hooked up in the back of his car at a drive-in movie theater; it was pretty dark outside with no mirrors around so I wasn’t exactly seeing much of anything anyway.
In summary, this is less about refusing to indulge in my mirror kink (not that I would ever stop anyway) and more about deliberately developing senses other than the visual when I fantasize for a fuller and juicier sexual experience.
On a completely unrelated note, I know I said that I didn’t like first-person narration in novels but I do think it would be really cool if movies came in both a normal, third-person version and a first-person version for the one or two main characters in the movie- especially for a glossy, fast-paced movie like Nerve (2016), which inspired the title for this diary entry.
https://lovepompoir.wordpress.com/2024/04/09/watcher-or-player/
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