A Special Christmas Delivery
December 27, 2022I have to shout out a VERY BIG THANK YOU to my friend, Rob!!
He spent a majority of Christmas day making arrangements and drove an extra two hours to deliver a special Christmas gift to my boys! He also went above and beyond my request by putting together a custom gift box and added some holiday flair inside the packaging- and the picture he sent me is A-MA-ZING!
Before I show you that picture of the gift, I want to share more with you about how the universe conspired to make it all happen! I am so grateful to all the beautiful people that helped me find a little peace and joy this holiday season!!
For all my struggles… I am truly blessed! I have THE GREATEST family of friends and support network that a girl could ask for!
My Inspiration
The first time I heard my favorite poem by Rudyard Kipling, I fell in love!
Back in January 2020, I discovered a YouTube channel called Upgrade Your Mindset that features various actors reading poetry. Morgan Freeman is one of my favorite actors and his voice is lends itself beautifully to poetry and classical literature readings, but it was Sir Michael Caine’s rendition of ‘If’ by American poet Rudyard Kipling that took my breath away…
Of course it brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my boys… Replaying the video several times, I was in awe of the simple beauty found in the author’s words as he recounts the characteristics of what it takes to ‘be a man.’ I knew that I had to find a way to share these timeless pearls of wisdom that he captured so perfectly!
My First Attempt
A few weeks after my grandpa, Chuck Meredith, passed away, I found the most beautiful color of spray paint in his collection! The bright, metallic “Pepsi-can-blue” is one of my favorite colors! I coated as many things as I could before I ran the can dry. One of the items I painted was a worn wooden plaque.
I wrote the words out with pencil, erasing and rewriting again and again to match the spacing with the poem’s cadence and make sure that the letters weren’t crammed together. The verses echoed over and over in my mind as I painstakingly carved each letter into the painted wood with Grandpa’s Dremel rotary tool. Then I painted inside the letters with a rose gold metallic enamel. The rose gold offered such a beautiful contrast to the bright blue! It was beautiful!
I daydreamed a hundred scenarios of how I might deliver it to the boys personally, but I feared that if I attempted to contact them face-to-face that I might end up with a no-contact order. I shared with you in the post about my Christmas wish that I haven’t received a response from Ashley Drew to any messages, calls or emails that I had sent following the final visit with my children on December 14, 2019.
I could’ve sworn I took a couple pictures throughout the process. Unfortunately, I have yet to uncover any photos. Also unfortunately, that beautiful wooden sign was packed up with all of my other belongings in Jim’s bread truck that was legally stolen from his property in Vinton.
The Card Campaign
I realized in hindsight that I had set an unrealistic goal on December 6th, when I resolved to send a thank you, thinking of you, birthday, and/or holiday card to Elijah, Noah, and Ashley every day until Christmas.
I hadn’t anticipated the toll that would have on me mentally and physically. The holiday season has a way of sending me off on a roller coaster of emotions, exhausting me to a level that only severe trauma and grief can reach. Reassurances from those around me offered a boost on good days. Thankfully, there are more good days than bad ones- when doubt creeps in, thriving on the ongoing silence and leaving me drained.
I fell short of my goal by a long shot… In the end, I sent the boys eights cards each. I decorated the cover of the blank cards with a quote or song lyrics that felt important for them to hear. Inside the cards, I wrote a letter about different things. I had no set plan for the topics- I just wrote whatever came to mind that day. I have so many things I want to share with them… so much we could talk about!
I am not sure how many people answered my plea for help by sending a card on my behalf. I tried not to sound pushy or desperate in the messages I wrote from my heart, but I did mention specific posts that I wrote to/for/about them, along with my website and phone number several times. I also added a return address on every envelope.
I took pictures of (almost) every card I sent, and you can read all of those here.
Five Years.
It’s coming up on the five year anniversary since I said goodbye to my children. It’s hard to believe. It doesn’t seem right, and I’ve had to count the years out on my fingers several times.
I have reflected on years past in previous posts, so if you are just tuning in, the links above will get you all caught up.
This article will be long enough, because I could easily write a full blog post for each of the five pumpkins. That is exactly why I am breaking it up into parts.
Five years of digging deep on child welfare and child abuse has brought about many revelations. About the system, the laws, the policies, the actual practices I saw and experienced personally, and the experiences of others around me… revelations about myself. These insights have shaped my views, changing some of them and reinforcing others.
I want to keep it short and sweet, but I have a lot to points to make.
Each pumpkin is like a themed chapter in a book that I wrote specifically for the intended audience. This holiday tradition and my efforts are dedicated to my children, in honor of the loss of our family. The only tradition that even comes close to bringing me joy like holidays used to.
Pumpkin #5- Benton County DHS
I love the dramatic effect of this shot that was taken in front of the Benton County DHS office as the sun was coming up.I usually only decorate four pumpkins- one each for me and the kids. This year, I added a fifth pumpkin.
I realized that I had neglected to represent the fifth member of my former little family… the boys’ dad. And even though we were no longer together when the kids were taken from us, he is still family to me. And regardless of what happened in our past, I know how badly he is hurting. I know he struggles with grief.
The same local office took not only our children, but all five of his children.
His youngest child was adopted by a local family and is doing well from what I hear.
His older two children were taken from their mother about a year after we started dating. They stayed with Scott’s sister for awhile, until the case worker decided his sister had too many children in her home.
And granted it was complete chaos at times, but his sister was a good mother and it was a home filled with love. The kids were happy with their cousins! Which is a lot more than I could say about their maternal grandmother’s house, where they were placed next.
Theirs is not my story to tell, but I can assure you that it was not a good situation, and those kids are still impacted by the separation from the only family they knew.
The front of this pumpkin was a clear indication of the intended recipients: the men and women that work for Benton County DHS.
Good job!
In the picture above, you can barely make out the main message that I want them to get this year. Here’s a better shot.
“Benton County DHS gave my sons to CHILD ABUSERS! GOOD JOB!”I won’t get into that here… you can read more about what I am referring to in my post “Do they read my letters?“
Below that, you can see another key point that I wanted to make: Largest jump in increased founded cases was 1994-1995… who started working there? The arrow that points to this statement came from…
1800% Increase
Between 1986 and 1995 1800% increase in founded abuse cases- Top 5 in the state!Between 1986 and 1995, Benton County had a 1800% increase in the number of founded abuse cases. That percentage put them in the top 5 in the state! But you won’t find those figures anywhere online. The online databases on the Iowa Department of Health and Human Services website only go back to 2015.
By the grace of the Gods, I came across a publication in a dumpster a few years ago that reported the statistics BY COUNTY on indicators of child welfare in Iowa from 1986 to 1995. Very interesting information! I will have to dig a little bit to find the booklet, but I will update this article when I do.
I made a spreadsheet with some of the statistics from that book, but again, I will have to do a little digging to find it, and I will update this article when I find it.
Staff Turnover
Average turnover rate statewide is 1.5 to 2 years.Benton County maintained several staff for 30+ years
Like the pumpkin says, the average staff turnover rate statewide is 1.5 to 2 years. Benton County maintained several staff for 30+ years. That makes me wonder… why do they not have the same issue as other counties?
VPD Officer Josh West made the comment to me once, “We got rid of all the bad ones.”
I wish I could get my hands on the body cam footage from that day- a story for another time- but I promise you that is exactly what he said. I talked about a few of my favorites before… And it may be true that the “bad ones” are no longer in the Vinton office, but I found out that several of them were PROMOTED. It’s scary to think that their toxic, malicious mindset is now in a higher role amongst their ranks.
Wouldn’t promoting them only serve tp reinforce and solidify in their minds the superiority they demonstrate in their words and actions?
I hope they read this post… and when they do, I pray that they have the courage and conviction to look themselves in the mirror and ask themselves the following questions? And, just as importantly, I pray that they can answer them honestly and objectively.
- Are they taking the same training that I have found all over the new Iowa DHHS website?
- Are they getting the messages, now that they are coming from official channels? Messages about:
- Substance misuse, relapse and recovery, and EVIDENCE BASED PRACTICE?
- Faulty Sweat Patch Testing?
- Stigmatizing and hurtful language?
- LIVED EXPERIENCES?
- Trauma-focused care?
- Abuse PREVENTION > Crisis management?
- How are they doing at adjusting the mindset and the culture in their office?
- If they are just taking this training themselves, how are they teaching this new mindset to the staff that are new to the job?
- How are they working to educate the public about the errors of their ways?
- Having served in the forefront as leaders in a movement that has victimized struggling families, whether intentional or not… how are they working to lead our communities in the right direction?
Viktor E Frankl
The last message on pumpkin #5 is a quote from Dr. Viktor E Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a Jewish Austrian psychiatrist, and one of the earlier arrivals to Auschwitz. After surviving the horrors of the concentration camp, he went on to write dozens of books, including Man’s Search for Meaning (*paid link).
Jim and I recovered a copy from a dumpster a couple years ago. It is where I found the following quote, and I cannot emphasize enough- the book is a MUST READ! In fact, I would insist that Frankl’s book become part of a mandatory reading list for the same professionals that are held to mandatory reporter training.
In the book’s 184 pages, Dr. Frankl shared details about his time at Auschwitz. He describes the horrors of humanity with bone chilling simplicity, summing up his analysis of the psychologies that surrounded him and outlining the basis of his life changing theory of logotherapy with insightful clarity.
“The one thing you cannot take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.” Viktor E FranklThose are some POWERFUL words from the Doctor! The wisdom in those words give me strength when I find myself reliving the events that led up to the wrongful termination of my parental rights… more on that a little later in this post.
Pumpkin #4- Child Welfare By The Numbers
The fourth pumpkin features statistics from the annual report Child Welfare By the Numbers (download link for 2023 report) from the Iowa Department of Health and Human Services. I have been watching these statistics very closely, and just today I downloaded and reviewed every report going back to 2012.
I hope the staff at Benton County DHS take a minute to read this blog post, because I doubt they are interpreting the results the same way that I do. And I don’t just analyze them from my own perspective. I can understand one’s skepticism, but judging by some of the jaw-dropping comments people have made, I seriously doubt anyone bothers to take other perspectives into account as thoroughly.
2023 Child Welfare #s The pie charts show 1) the breakdown of unconfirmed, confirmed, and founded reports; 2) the breakdown of founded abuse typesIt doesn’t look like the department saw fit to share the total number of reports made to the hotline this year, but I can guess from the results of years past that a majority of them were accepted. The criteria they use is listed in Iowa Code 175.22(1)
Any report made to the department which alleges child abuse, as defined in Iowa Code section 232.68, or constitutes a complaint that a child is a child in need of assistance, as defined in Iowa Code section 232.2(6), shall be accepted for assessment.
I will go more in-depth with the actual definitions in just a bit. And that criteria sounds legit, right? I would’ve thought so too…
Assessment Findings
Of the 32,857 reports that met the criteria for assessment, there were 26,613 child abuse assessments conducted.
- 18,674 (70%) of child abuse assessments resulted in a finding of “not confirmed”
- Not confirmed child abuse assessments involved 18,239 unique children
- 1,459 (6%) of child abuse assessments resulted in a finding of “confirmed” abuse
- “Confirmed” abuse means that the abuse was minor and isolated and not likely to reoccur; and the perpetrator is not placed on the child abuse registry
- Confirmed child abuse assessments involved 1,828 unique children
- 6,480 (24%) of child abuse assessments resulted in a finding of “founded” abuse
- Founded child abuse assessments involved 8,632 unique children
My point in showing the assessment findings is this: SEVENTY PERCENT of the reports made to the hotline were NOT CONFIRMED. This means that almost 19,000 reports were made that were potentially a complete waste of the department’s time, energy, and resources.
Because trust me, these men and women are trained to look for every bit of evidence they can find so they can prove that the parents are abusing their children. They don’t want to miss something and end up with their name in the next headline about how DHS messed up- and I can’t fault them for that in itself.
And when they walk in the door believing that the allegations are true- that you are abusing your children- any and everything they see and hear is interpreted through that lens.
This classic book was part of the curriculum when I was growing up, now it is a BANNED BOOK!False Allegations
I can personally speak from experience, and I have the documentation to prove it… there are some petty bitches (men and women alike) out there that make false allegations to DHS. This type of people are guilty of committing a simple misdemeanor according to Iowa Code § 232.75(3), but they aren’t referred to the county attorney for criminal charges until
“the department receives more than three reports that identify the same child as a victim of child abuse or the same person as the alleged abuser of a child, or which were made by the same person, and the department determined the reports to be entirely false or without merit.”
It would be interesting to see the statistics on how often that actually happens… Versus how many are listed as not confirmed.
And since the caller’s identity is protected, someone that has been falsely accused has little ground to stand on when they attempt to defend themselves.
Whatever happened to our “right to face our accuser?”
Turns out that 6th amendment confrontation clause really only applies to criminal court proceedings, initially only at the FEDERAL level. “That all changed after the Fourteenth Amendment was passed in 1866, which subsequently made the right to confrontation applicable to both state and federal courts.” (Aron, 2021).
…but it still doesn’t apply to the branch of district court known as juvenile, or family court.
Regardless, if you are someone that calls in to the child abuse hotline because you are:
- mad at your ex (READ: a spiteful or vengeful petty bitch)
- fw some dude that has a girlfriend (READ: a jealous petty bitch)
- an outsider looking in (READ: an ignorant petty bitch)
If any of those descriptions apply to you… Then YOU are a big part of the problem here!! And you need to
GROW THE F*CK UP!!!!
Because really, you are not just hurting that other person… you are hurting the child involved. AND (this is important!) anything you say about someone else reflects back on you.
Let me be clear on this point… NOBODY is “winning!!” And you aren’t “getting on their good side.” CHILD PLEASE!
The child protective workers do not care about any of the adults in the situation… They care about your children. They think you are guilty of abusing children, and they will tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you talking. FACTS!
If you are feeling triggered about what you just read, I’m gonna go ahead and guess you’ve been there before. On one side, or the other… Or maybe you’ve even been on both sides of the accusations.
Do us all a favor…. do yourself a favor, and check out the information packet I put together called: PROTECT YOUR FAMILY
Protect Your Family by Ashley Meredith, MSNProtect Your Family includes information for parents and caregivers about:
- your rights and responsibilities
- being PREPARED
- being a PROACTIVE PARENT
- Co-parenting
- Dating a Parent
- Dating as a Parent
- Parenting Resources
- Parenting Hacks
- and more!! FOR FREE!
Mandatory Reporters
I have discussed this before, but it is worth mentioning again… Another potential source for the “not confirmed” reports stems from the mandatory reporters law.
I do not know a nurse, teacher, childcare worker, or any other professional that works with children that would stand by and willingly allow child abuse to happen! I am not sure what exactly prompted the enactment of these laws, and it doesn’t specifically say why when reviewing the history of child abuse laws in Iowa’s Guide for Mandatory Reporters (link to downloadable pdf).
Let me clarify, because I don’t believe everything about the law is absurd. For example, training for professionals in health and mental health care, education, childcare, social work, and law enforcement should continue to be mandatory for those professions. People that have never witnessed abuse do absolutely need to be educated about the signs and symptoms so they are fully prepared to keep a vigilant eye. And this training should be repeated on a regular basis, even though the training videos are dreadfully boring every time you have to watch them.
I also agree that people in those fields should be protected from any civil or criminal liability if they make a report in good faith, or if they participate in an assessment being carried about by the department.
However… and I feel very strongly about this… the threat of sanctions or revocation of a professional license and the potential for facing criminal charges for failure to report should be repealed!
This part of the law has directly contributed to the division in this country by pinning good people against good people, usually over trivial matters or misunderstandings. And it sets the tone for a fearful/paranoid mindset and overpolicing of families! I am not the only one that thinks so! Check out these articles for more information:
- Mandatory reporting was supposed to stop severe child abuse. It punishes poor families instead. NBC News (Oct 2022)
- Why Mandatory Reporting Doesn’t Keep Children Safe Time (Jan 2024)
- States find a downside to mandatory reporting laws meant to protect children. NPR (Apr 2024)
- Should Mandatory Reporting be Eliminated? Psychology Today (Oct 2024)
I can’t get into specifics, obviously, because of HIPAA… but there was only one time in my professional career when I made a report to DHS that I felt was valid. Ironically, it was while caring for a child in a foster home. Now that I think of it, it just dawned on me that it was a foster home that house SEVEN special needs children… And memories flood back.
There were three times that I was forced by a supervisor to make a report that I did not agree with, because we had a difference in professional opinion, and I told the operator exactly that when I made the reports. And there was one other time when I had to instruct a family member that the boss said I would have to make a report if they didn’t proceed with doctor’s orders.
Founded Abuse Categories
Look again at the larger pie chart in the picture below. It shows a breakdown of the categories of founded abuse in Iowa in 2023. It is easy to see that an overwhelming majority (59%) of the founded abuse cases fall under the category of neglect, also known in Iowa as Denial of Critical Care.
The next largest category, Dangerous substances, makes up 20% of the founded cases and is followed by the closely related category of Presence of illegal drugs (9%). I will save this discussion for a later post that you definitely won’t want to miss!
Actual physical abuse makes up 7% of the founded cases. Sexual abuse is 4%. And the other category that includes more horrendous sexual exploits involving children, made up less than 1% of the founded cases.
Here are the definitions related to child abuse from Iowa Code section 232.68:
232.68 definitions of child abuseDownloadNeglect
Neglect, or Denial of Critical Care, contains some verbage that leaves the door open for misinterpretation. I am not alone in arguing that misinterpretation leads to confusion about what constitutes true neglect versus conditions of poverty, and I have discussed this before.
I painted the following quote on a pumpkin in 2022. It comes from Jerry Milner, who led the U.S. Children’s Bureau under former President Donald Trump, and David Kelly, his former special assistant at the bureau.
“Committing to a system that takes on poverty-related neglect in humane and effective ways requires active partnering with public and private entities that can, collectively, create the conditions where families can thrive and children are free from harm. It requires partnership with communities that know and understand the needs of their families and children. And, it requires a willingness to rally around families that are vulnerable and struggling with poverty, rather than judging them, labeling that vulnerability as neglect, and pathologizing them.
If we truly care about children and families, it’s time to stop confusing poverty with neglect and devote ourselves to doing something about it.”Jerry Milner & David Kelly, Children’s Bureau Express Dec 2019/Jan 2020
For a more detailed examination of Denial of Critical Care, I pulled up the Iowa Administrative Code r. 441-175.21 on the Legal Information Institute on the Cornell Law School website.
“Denial of critical care” means the failure on the part of a person responsible for the care of a child to provide for the adequate food, shelter, clothing, medical or mental health treatment, supervision or other care necessary for the child’s health and welfare when financially able to do so, or when offered financial or other reasonable means to do so, and shall mean any of the following:
- Failure to provide adequate food and nutrition to the extent that there is danger of the child suffering injury or death.
- Failure to provide adequate shelter to the extent that there is danger of the child suffering injury or death.
- Failure to provide adequate clothing to the extent that there is danger of the child suffering injury or death.
- Failure to provide adequate health care to the extent that there is danger of the child suffering injury or death. A parent or guardian legitimately practicing religious beliefs who does not provide specified medical treatment for a child for that reason alone shall not be considered abusing the child and shall not be placed on the child abuse registry. However, a court may order that medical service be provided where the child’s health requires it.
- Failure to provide the mental health care necessary to adequately treat an observable and substantial impairment in the child’s ability to function.
- Gross failure to meet the emotional needs of the child necessary for normal development.
- Failure to provide for the adequate supervision of the child that a reasonable and prudent person would provide under similar facts and circumstances when the failure results in direct harm or creates a risk of harm to the child.
- *Failure to respond to the infant’s life-threatening conditions (also known as withholding medically indicated treatment) by providing treatment (including appropriate nutrition, hydration and medication) which in the treating physician’s reasonable medical judgment will be most likely to be effective in ameliorating or correcting all conditions, except that the term does not include the failure to provide treatment (other than appropriate nutrition, hydration, or medication) to an infant when, in the treating physician’s reasonable medical judgment any of the following circumstances apply: the infant is chronically and irreversibly comatose; the provision of the treatment would merely prolong dying, not be effective in ameliorating or correcting all of the infant’s life-threatening conditions, or otherwise be futile in terms of the survival of the infant; the provision of the treatment would be virtually futile in terms of the survival of the infant and the treatment itself under the circumstances would be inhumane.
Now if you take those definitions at face value, that sounds all good and well. Except 8- *that shit is a jumbled mess of a run-on sentence! Whoever wrote it didn’t even bother to draft it in legislative format.
C’mon man! The rate of victims per 1000 and percent of children found to be “victims of maltreatment” are significantly higher than the national average… WHY?Average Caseloads
Iowa DHHS reports average caseloads for child protective workers and case managers versus the recommendations for caseloadsThe Iowa DHHS reports that, in 2023, there were 223 child protective workers employed across the state that carried an average of 13 cases/month. And there were 351 case managers with an average of 21 cases/month.
The Child Welfare Information Gateway, part of the Children’s Bureau and Administration for Children and Families, offers the following recommendations: child protective workers- no more than 12; case managers- no more than 17.
I could not find any county specific information about case loads averages.
The Cost of Child Welfare
If you are someone that gets mad about welfare programs like food stamps and Medicaid, this should really piss you off!
Dollar amounts paid out in subsidies, wages for social workers, and family services in 2023In 2023 alone, Iowa reports that 77 million dollars went to adoption subsidies. These are monthly allotments granted to families that adopt children that the department stole from their parents- in addition to benefits, reimbursements and tax credits.
Casey Family Programs (2016) reports that “For every $7 available for children in foster care, only $1 is available to invest in a wider array of services that prevent the need for foster care.”
And those figures aren’t looking much better with time. I decided to pull the annual Child Welfare By The Numbers reports going back to 2012. Feel free to look for yourself, but here is a breakdown of the numbers.
View the interactive stacked chart for more detailsBasic Daily Rates
This is the rate of pay for adoptive foster parents PER DAY You don’t want struggling parents to be given cash…But you are okay with paying someone to take their kids
and paying someone else to raise their kids? These payment codes show the categories for payments or reimbursed funds that every foster parent is eligible to receive. This is a page from the Iowa DHHS Adoption Permanent Placement Procedures
Next up is form 470-4401 Foster Child Behavioral Assessment. This form is used to determine what level a foster child is and can help explain the range in daily base rates. Keep in mind that these are the behaviors exhibited by a child that was taken from his or her parents and placed with strangers.
470-4401 Foster Child Behavioral AssessmentDownloadCommunities of Hope
I can’t end this post on a negative note. So until I finish and publish about the three remaining Halloween 2024 pumpkins, I invite you to read more about the Casey Family Programs and a program they just launched in 2024 called Building Communities of Hope.
Per the Casey Family Programs website, Building Communities of Hope is “a nationwide effort to prevent the need for foster care by supporting families in raising safe, happy and healthy children.
We recognize that creating better futures for children and families will not be possible unless we take into consideration the community conditions that surround them. If a community is healthy — if it is safe, supportive and teeming with opportunities — then it will have the elements that children need to thrive.“
Happy Halloween 2024!Keep an eye out for Halloween 2024: Five Years of Pumpkins- Part Two.
Support my work by sharing this blog post! Thank you in advance for your help spreading the word about this important information!
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Reply
What do you think? Do you agree with me? Got something to add? This is your chance to SHOW WHAT YA KNOW!! Share your own advice about this topic! Cancel reply
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Patience is a Virtue
I have not heard anything from the boys or Ashley… yet. I try not to worry about what that might mean at this point. I am hopeful that we will reconnect when the time is right. One thing that I have definitely learned through my experiences with DHS is patience. This hard lesson has been reinforced and further cemented into my being in the time since I said goodbye to my children.
I have learned to trust in the process that Wicca has taught me- I set my intention with the Universe and released any attachment to a specific outcome. I have faith that the Universe is working for the greater good and will help align the circumstances necessary for things to fall into place. I say yes to the opportunities that come my way, and seek the hidden meanings behind any obstacles I encounter.
Gifts for Christmas
Having failed in my goal with the cards, I decided that I would send gifts for Christmas. I wanted to send something for the children and something for the whole family- and I wanted it to be special!
Ashley received five cards from me, and a sixth was addressed to both her and her husband. The verses I adapted from Brene Brown’s ‘WHOLEHEARTED Parenting Manifesto’ moved me to tears several times as I wrote them inside that final card for Ashley and Josh. When I read the last two sentences, I knew immediately that I would be painting those same words onto a blank canvas as a gift for the entire family.
This is what I wrote inside the final card that I addressed to Ashley and her husband.I regret that I was unable to finish this gift in time for delivery, but it is high on my priority list once I finish this post!
Brenē Brown is a professor and author that became well-known after speaking at a TED talk event. As I wrote this post, I took a break to watch her popular presentation, titled “The Power of Vulnerability.” I learned that she made a return appearance on the TED talk stage, for another powerful lecture called “Listening to Shame.” I HIGHLY recommend that you check them both out!
http://ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
Try, Try Again
Once again, I started penciling Kipling’s familiar words, line by line, onto the rectangular wooden canvas. I wrote the verses over and over, erasing and rewriting until it was perfectly aligned. Unlike my first attempt where the idea was born out of the paint, this time I struggled to envision a finish for the bare wood. I needed something bold enough to breathe life into the words. I carved and sanded it the piece multiple times, experimenting with different stains, colors and techniques.
Friends offered suggestions and I tried them all… but no matter what, it just wasn’t right. I was frustrated, and mentally preparing to sand the board and touch up the the letters again when the gorgeous slab of burl wood caught my eye. I overlooked it for this project when my friend Thomas offered it to me, but a second look revealed how perfect it was!
The long, narrow flat plane and its winding curves add structural support and the live natural edge helps direct the eyes of the reader through the lengthy passages. When I asked where he got it, Thomas shared that the burl piece had journeyed with him to Iowa from northeastern Pennsylvania years ago, and never revealed its purpose. He couldn’t remember the kind of tree, just that it was part of a burl. THANK YOU THOMAS!
After tossing a couple hand-drawn sketches in the trash, I uploaded a picture and took advantage of Paint 3D for mapping out the style and spacing. I wrote the verses lightly in pencil, one section at a time. I took great care to maintain clean, level lines and double-checked this before carving the letters into the slab.
From start to finish, this labor of love took me about 25 hours. I was literally racing the clock, but maintained calm and steady hands as I poured over every little detail. I wanted it to be perfect! It had to be perfect!
My Gift
And perfect it certainly turned out to be! 💖😍 I am VERY proud, and I am sure they love it to!
As with any artwork deeply imbued with my energy- heart and soul- it was a little hard to let it go! Of course, I want my sons to have it- but again, I worried about what would happen to it once it got there. Would they even bother to show it to the boys? Or would it be destroyed before they could see it?
I was relieved when Rob accepted the mission to deliver the gifts on Christmas day. He assured me that he would gladly deliver it to where they live in the country outside Washington personally, and that he would make every effort to deliver it to Noah and Elijah’s hands directly.
Absolutely breathtaking!! Kudos to Rob for this pic!I forgot to take a picture of the short and sweet note I added to the back before Rob left with it. I basically dedicated the piece to Noah and Elijah, reassuring them that I think about them every day and I still love them forever and always, most-est-er time infinity times googleplexian! I also told them to check my website for this blog post to see a video and hear my voice reading the poem just for them. And in the Christmas card I sent with it, I wished them all Merry Christmas and signed it from Mom and Lexy, and Jim, and Dad and Julie, and Meeko, and Freyja!
Mission Accomplished!
At 1848 on December25, 2022, I received the pictures and a message from Rob with the details of how it went…
After knocking several times, a boy answered the door. Rob said he practiced what he would say many times on his way there. The boy, struggling to keep two dogs inside, accepted the package and said, “okay thank you.”
Rob heard him yell at another kid to “go get mom now” as the door closed and he turned to walk back to his car. After leaving the driveway, he got a little lost and took a wrong turn down a Level B road. When he got turned around, a newer vehicle with super bright lights had caught up to him. He assumes it was Ashley or Josh, because it came out of nowhere. They didn’t try to pull him over, but stayed a comfortable distance behind him and followed him back to the paved road.
I am eager to hear more about it when I see him in person! He knows I will probably ask a million questions!
The Video
As promised, I am preparing a video of myself where I will be reciting ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling, so my kids can see my face and hear my voice reading the words to them. My OCD, perfectionist brain is making this part of the post probably harder than it needs to be, but in my defense, I am shooting for something more artistic than a Snapchat video…
I am working hard to wrap up editing on the video by this evening- so check back!
A New Chapter
I will never “just get over it.”
I don’t understand people who say that or think that I should, but I forgive their sheer ignorance and pray they never find out for themselves. I can confidently say that any and every insult and injury I have endured at the hands of another is forgivable. I can forgive and release and move on from every loss… but I will always grieve for my children and the time we have lost.
I have often wondered whether Noah and Eli have tried to find me online… whether they were discouraged from reaching out to me… or whether they were allowed to, but simply did not want to talk to me. I wonder so many things really… if they are happy…. how they are doing in school… what they think about when they lay down for bed each night. And until I can ask them these things myself, I always will. I can accept that they aren’t coming home to me, but it is the not knowing- and inability to communicate with them- that kills me.
I eagerly look forward to hearing from them! But I will no longer allow the lack of contact to paralyze me. I miss them terribly, and will always grieve for the time we have lost…. But I will no longer allow my sorrow to overwhelm me and derail the important work I am doin g. That is a promise I hereby make to myself!
I found this inspirational advice written in the margins of one of my notebooks. Author unknownI will never “just get over it.” But I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life with worn out tools. I am rediscovering myself, reimagining my life’s purpose, and finding reasons to smile again. I have grown a larger family of friends, and forged bonds with many that no one could break. My research has uncovered a whole new world of possibilities that I share with like-minded people as we work together to make these thoughts of a better tomorrow into a reality.
While it is not “a job” in the traditional sense, I have been blessed with the freedom and flexibility to pursue writing. My work has focused primarily on exposing the truth about harsh realities of the child welfare system by sharing my story and encouraging others to share theirs. By raising awareness through my blog posts and the dozens of emails that I have sent to dozens of government agencies and related organizations about the wrongful termination of my parental rights, I am confident that I have been a strong voice in advocating for change.
That being said, I feel that the cards and gifts this Christmas were important ways that I found to end this chapter of my life. I have not heard anything from the boys or Ashley, but I know that they received my gift. I suspect they are among the visitors to my website, and so I am grateful to at least have an avenue for sharing with them.
At least now I can move forward with my life, knowing that they know that I haven’t forgotten about them, that I love them dearly, and pray for the best for them every day. I have done what I can to express my regret, to seek and offer forgiveness- hopeful that by sharing these heartfelt ramblings and revelations that I have opened the door for future communication.
I find peace in knowing that they have my email and mailing addresses; my website has my social media links and other contact information. I decided to add a contact form below- just in case! And, with that, I leave the ball in their court, so to speak.
Get in touch
Feel free to send me a message using this form! I look forward to hearing from you!
Submit a form.The Cards
Here are the cards that I sent to them! I have searched everywhere, but it seems that I inadvertently missed taking a picture of the final card to Eli.
To Ashley
I sense that perhaps she misunderstands who I am as a person, who I was as a mother… I hope the messages in these cards showed her a different side of me, and that she knows how strongly I meant everything I said.
These are the cards I sent to AshleyTo Noah
I love you so much, my miracle boy! I am so incredibly sorry for all the ways that I failed you… and I can only hope to have a chance to somehow try to make it up to you someday.
To Elijah
I love you so very much, my baby boy! I am so unbelievably sorry that I have not been able to be there for you growing up- I hope you can forgive me!
https://youtu.be/sqOgyNfHl1U?si=ETUp2cOU97OlOvMX
#Christmas #ChristmasGift #ChristmasMiracle #Me3 #Poetry #RudyardKipling #specialDelivery
