I'm resetting after a weekend of basically not worrying about much of anything.
So last month, I had that hip injury, and on top of that I had a cold. While I'd gotten through most of my years-long backlog of high-priority emergencies, I still had plans to continue pacing myself through the remaining list items in order of priority/distastefulness. But my hip was so bad that I basically just spent January focusing on recovery, the barest essential daily tasks, pain management, and my two hours of billed work per day.
It forced me to rest-rest. Like, super rest. Not very relaxing, given the pain I was in, my mobility issues and the fear that caused me, and all the trips to the chiropractor. Not restful rest. But in terms of forcing a total reset on my brain, that did it.
Through that, I finished up my work project of three years. Last Thursday.
I still had a couple of hours of loose ends to finish up, mainly just emailing the client and getting all her files in the right format and uploaded, final invoicing.
But Friday? Instead of doing that, I just crashed out. I overslept, and overslept some more. Friday wasn't even fun, because I had that feeling of having sat still for way too long. But I had zero motivation to do anything whatsoever about it.
Saturday, same thing. Only by then, I'd gotten a new game that was sufficiently giving me dopamine. Like, way too much, so then I had insomnia 😂 I've also been watching nonstop spooky YouTube since the injury started. Unsolved mysteries, nostalgia, found footage, lost media, internet history, weird Wikipedia, Reddit drama, reviews of unethical 2000's era reality shows, ghost stories, weird weather incidents. Whatever is creepy without being triggering. So it's kind of a mood.
Yesterday, I scraped together the final work stuff in one hour, then went back to doing nothing. Because except for a few expected loose ends for my client, I'm technically unemployed now.
(And my tooth chipped all by itself in the middle of the night? So that's weird.)
There were several points during the month at which a grocery run seemed incredibly urgent... but then my sister brought some fruit and bread from the food bank. There was enough frozens in the freezer to get me by a little longer (because being a food packrat needs to pay off from time to time). Then my sister brought some of my old food from my mom's house. And I'm just skating by. Consider the lilies of the field, and all that.
This weekend was the first time since I can remember (13+ years) since I have felt zero sense of urgency, zero sense of responsibility, zero sense that even though I was resting, I still needed to be ready to pull myself together at any moment. Even when I was sick in my bedroom all those years, there were still things needing doing that took everything I had to push myself into.
This is first time I've felt a sense of "That's uncomfortably too much rest actually, but I think I'll just rest some more." Actual boredom and being fully rested. Since at least... 2013? Or earlier?
And also, no pain. All weekend. Except for my hip mildly aching when I slept.
Even with all the pol drama going on, I simply did not care. I didn't even feel like cracking jokes. I dipped in here from time to time to get quick updates on the state of the world, but it was mostly rather uninteresting.
It feels like a total reset. I have a vague sense of boredom, of sluggish thoughts, and no real need to pull myself together, other than a distant feeling that I really do have things coming due soon, and I really should be looking for work.
But .... there's time.
It's the weirdest thing. As I slowly roll back into activity, I have no feeling of fatigue or tiredness, other than having overslept.
I have no idea what my fatigue levels are should I try to pick up pace again. But no sense that I need to be on nearly the pace I was.
Unless I want to be.
