#moodpost: it's a pit of snakes in my head right now. A hissy, bity pile of things that either will have a poisonous bite, or smother whatever comes in.

Submarines always fascinated me. And I guess that's because they so much reflect how I live my life. Invisible to others on the surface, masked away. That has been a lot more true in my past, but it is still true these days. Hold on, you might think, bold as brass me invisible and masked? Oh, yes. I'm still navigating below the surface, because the surface is dangerous. Being below the surface is dangerous in itself, but not as much as up there. https://youtu.be/3LSMesXvjq8 #moodpost

The stunning realization that a huge part of my clothing aesthetics can be explained by what is worn in the official music video to Marusha's "(Trip to) Raveland" and the question "do you have that in black, too?" #moodpost
https://youtu.be/fwC9HB-vHyc

#moodpost Huuuuuuurgh, fun, fun, fun.
What is a mind supposed to do when there's supposed to be A Talk with a friend with who you had a falling out after 15 years of knowing each other, and had no contact for one and a half years after that? Intellectually, if contact was carefully reastablished to have A Talk, there should possibly be careful optimism, especially if you know the person not to be the kind to needlessly come after you for just another punch in the gut. But then, emotionally, that hit was deep, so there is a frozen ton of bricks down in the stomach.
Well. Guess I'll know when I know, right?
https://youtu.be/WyvMjgeh80Y

#moodpost Feeling more energetic lately. Not enough to actually get myself to all the necessary tasks, but feeling a familiar bite to my thoughts, that usually signifies that I'm at the tail end of a depressive slump.
https://youtu.be/t4_6pMG1OHE

#moodpost - Heilung: LIFA - Full Show recorded at Castlefest 2017 (worth risking the wrath of the neighbours for)

It feels like some wheels are starting to turning again that I considered completely fused and rusted in place. But here they are, slowly, but powerfully starting up, with the momentum of a tectonic plate.

https://youtu.be/h1BsKIP4uYM

On the one hand, this would definitely be a good time for a #moodpost, on the other, it's hard to find an appropriate song.

Imagine, you go down to the beach, stand on a rock within the water line, and see a wave building out there. This could end up several ways. The wave could break, and lap harmlessly across your feet. It could take you, lift you, carry you for a wonderful swim. Or it could come crashing over you, break your bones, nearly drown you. Or you could just walk away, and nothing will happen. All of that. What will you do? Maybe just open your arms, await what happens, and find out? Oh, yeah. Give me that Kyuma vibe.

https://youtu.be/b7hI7NZLOAk

#moodpost Taucherlied by DTORN

I can't figure myself out on introversion vs extroversion. I value my people, I value my space. I get too much of people, I hate the silence of an empty place, I love the loneliness of nature, I breathe the monochromatic bustle of a crowd focused at a festival... I simply have no idea.

https://youtu.be/GltIzypoz-c

#moodpost The Final Combat from the Darkest Dungeon OST

A thing that has changed over my transition is anger. It has been piwerful, explosive, dizzying, filling my lungs with fire. Don't get me wrong, it's still every bit as much, but its expression has changed. It is now like a coal seam on fire, eating its way underground, implacable, finding ways to the surface.
And I remember once upon a time I could sleep it off. Now I need resolution, or I will go to bed with it, and wake up with it even worse.

On a another note, I don't care for my shoulder hurting like it wants to separate. Sleeping 40+ is an extreme sport.

https://youtu.be/aXGVMaBY3UA

#moodpost "Automat" by Eisbrecher

Sometimes it seems to me that in the eyes of others I become very much what they need me to be - a blank slate for projections. And that's with me telling them exactly what I am, my intentions, and what I do. ... and people still get surprised, and get mad at me for not conforming to their projection.

https://youtu.be/5O5UO9nNrX4

#moodpost : (Trip to) Raveland by Marusha.

The song is also part of what I consider my lost #trans youth - while that scene had intensely body accentuating and attention grabbing clothing, I hid mine in trousers, shirts and hoodies that were at least one or two sizes too large. For example, while a well fitting top has to come in S for me these days, back then a t-shirt had to come in XL - not because I wanted to make a fashionable statement , but because I simply wanted to hide as much of my body from myself, others, and the whole world.

https://youtu.be/fwC9HB-vHyc