The Martyrdom Myth: When Parenting Looks Like Self-Erasure
Part 3
There’s something I’ve been sitting with—well, more like driving with. Because, as usual, my clearest thoughts don’t come when I’m staring at a screen. They come when I’m in motion. Alone. Processing.
This one came after a hard conversation with my husband. And it made me think more deeply about a pattern I’ve been seeing—not just in him, but in the parenting culture so many of us inherited: the belief that to love your children is to deny yourself.
My husband is a deeply loving father. He shows up, provides, and wants the absolute best for his kids. But the way he shows love sometimes carries a quiet poison: martyrdom. He goes without—without rest, without food, without joy—because somewhere along the line, he internalized the idea that this sacrifice is what good parenting looks like. That to be a parent means to put yourself last, always.
But here’s the thing.
His mother was a single mom. A seamstress raising a handful of children on a budget that couldn’t stretch. Her sacrifice was survival. Her martyrdom wasn’t a choice—it was necessity. But my husband? He’s now a high-earning, middle-class man. He doesn’t have to go without. And yet he does. Over and over again. And what message is that sending to his children?
That happiness and parenthood can’t coexist. That being around your kids means denying your full self.
The kicker is that children see it all. Even when they don’t have the words. They internalize the tension. The joylessness. The lack. And they grow up thinking that they were the reason their parent couldn’t live fully. That their presence was a burden, a barrier.
I saw it in my stepdaughter the other day—how she changes the subject when she’s uncomfortable, how she hides her mistakes, how she puts others first even when it hurts her. Those aren’t just quirks. They’re reflections. And when I hold them up to her father, it’s a perfect mirror.
This cycle doesn’t start with the children. It starts with us. With the stories we inherited and never questioned. With the way we were raised to believe that love equals pain. That presence equals sacrifice. That being a good parent means disappearing.
I don’t believe that.
I believe that children need to see their parents live. Fully. Joyfully. That it’s okay for a parent to say, “I’m going out alone today,” or “I want that slice of cake,” or “This brings me joy, and I’m doing it.” Because that shows them what a whole, happy adult looks like. It teaches them balance. It teaches them self-respect.
When I called my husband out the other night, it wasn’t because I wanted to be “right.” It was because I couldn’t go to sleep with that weight in my chest. I couldn’t watch him teach his kids something I knew would hurt them later. I’ve seen it play out. I’ve lived it. And I refuse to let that silence keep echoing.
Yes, I’ve been called the bad guy for speaking up. The bitch. The one who’s “too intense” or “always starting something.” But I know now that naming the cycle doesn’t make me the villain—it makes me the truth-teller. And in this family dynamic, someone has to be.
So I say this with love:
You don’t have to disappear to be a good parent.
You don’t have to go without to show love.
You don’t have to sacrifice your joy to raise decent kids.
What you do need is to model what wholeness looks like. To live a life they’ll want to emulate—not one they’ll spend years unlearning.
Give yourself grace, yes. But give yourself permission, too.
Thank you for sticking with me for these past three Sundays!! Let me know in the comments if this is something you are trying to unlearn or you watched it as a kid.
#breakingGenerationalCycles #consciousParenting #LatineParenting #motherhoodTruths #parentalMartyrdom #parentingAndMentalHealth #raisingEmotionallyAwareChildren #selfSacrificingParents #stepmotherReflections
Calm, structured and always thinking ahead? You might be a Type C parent 💬🏡
Type C parents are often observant, emotionally attuned and focused on creating a stable, peaceful environment. They value routines, gentle communication and deep connection.
🧠 Does this sounds like you?
Read the full article: https://zurl.co/NwrBk
#BabyYumYum #BYY #TypeCParenting #ParentingStyles #ConsciousParenting #EmotionalAwareness #ModernParenting #GentleParenting #StructuredParenting #ParentingSupport
Among common forms of discipline, only reasoning with a child is associated with positive behavioral outcomes, according to a new analysis by Kaitlin Paxton Ward & colleagues from the Univ. of Michigan & Univ. of Nevada
Read the findings from a study across 60 countries:
https://www.prb.org/articles/is-your-child-misbehaving-try-reasoning-with-them/
#Parenting #Children #ChildBehavior #ChildPsychology #Health #PublicHealth #Education #ChildDevelopment #GentleParenting #ConsciousParenting
A @UM_PSC study of parental discipline behaviors across 60 countries finds that use of physical and psychological aggression is harmful for children’s development.
Among non-aggressive discipline methods, only reasoning with a child is associated with positive socio-emotional outcomes; giving a child something else to do appears to be neutral, and taking away a child’s privileges disadvantageous.
Details
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37903610
#Parenting #Children #Family #ConsciousParenting #GentleParenting
#FactOfTheDay: New research provides compelling evidence that spanking is detrimental to children’s social development.
Learn more: https://www.psypost.org/2023/01/longitudinal-study-of-kindergarteners-suggests-spanking-is-harmful-for-childrens-social-competence-67034
#Children #Families #Parenting #GentleParenting #ConsciousParenting #ChildDevelopment #BehavioralHealth #MentalHealth @psychology
