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Home Cooking

I’m staying home and eating my own cooking.

Hmmm.

Safer to dine out.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Cooking #Food #HomeCooking #NZComedy

Julia tosses a pan of bacon and eggs. She looks as if she’s trying to taste the food. Text: I'm staying home and eating my own cooking. Hmmm. Safer to dine out.

Homeopathetic

Don’t say “Homeopathic”, call it what it is “Homeopathetic.”

(Repost)

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Homeopathetic #Homeopathy #NZComedy

Julia has half her face covered with water. Text: Don't say "Homeopathic", call it what it is "Homeopathetic"

Homeopathy Drowning

Homeopathic cure for drowning: Start with water & dilute it with water until there is no water left.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Drowning #Homeopathy #NZComedy #Water

COVID Scare

Covid scare: I was eating out & couldn’t taste my food.

Then I remembered I was in McDs.

Phew!

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Covid #Food #Macdonalds #NZComedy

507 Sexes

Physarum polycephalum is a slime mold with 507 sexes.

Can you imagine what their version of Tindr must be like?

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #SlimeMold

Julia stands at a mic stand, covering the microphone with her hand. Text: Physarum polycephalum is a slime mold with 507 sexes. Can you imagine what their version of Tindr must be like?

I can’t get no satisfaction

Schrödinger could never tell if his girlfriend was satisfied or not.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #satisfied #Schrödinger

Julia & a cat look out from the screen with expressions of surprise. Above their heads is a speech balloon containing 3 explanation marks. Text: Schrödinger could never tell if his girlfriend was satisfied or not.

Flat tyre.

Q: How many homophobes does it take to change a tyre?

A: One, the others stay in the car so they don’t touch his bum.

#AucklandComedy #ChangingTyre #Comedy #Homophobes #NZComedy

A kneeling man is changing the tyre on a car. Several tyres are stacked to the back and side. Text: Q: How many homophobes does it take to change a tyre? A: One, the others stay in the car so they don’t touch his bum.

Loyalty Card

I’ve started a loyalty scheme for my fans …

Every 10th joke is free!

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Joke #LoyaltyScheme #NZComedy

Waiting Room

In the doctors waiting room.

The magazines untouched while all the patients use our devices. I check a cover … older than the iPhone 1

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Doctor #Magazines #NZComedy #Waiting

Julia frowns & looks at her phone, an ellipsis floats above it. Text: In the doctors waiting room. The magazines untouched while all the patients use our devices. I check a cover ... older than the iPhone 1

Closet

I had to come out of the closet.

It was full of dresses that no longer fitted.

#AucklandComedy #Closet #Comedy #NZComedy

Julia sashays down a runway. To her right is a closet with clothes on hangers. Text: I had to come out of the closet. It was full of dresses that no longer fitted.

Lipstick

When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking, I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Handbag #Lipstick #NZComedy

Julia holds a spyglass and examines a handbag. Text: When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking, I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!

Bill

Forget to pay the exorcist and be repossessed.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Exorcist #NZComedy

Early Bird Special

We have a super early bird special for people who already have worms.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #EarlyBird #NZComedy

Mathematics

Don’t ever say to a geek “You do the maths.”

We’ll stare at the ceiling for 5 minutes then say “72”, by which time you’ve forgotten the question.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Mathematics #Maths #NZComedy

Julia looks pensive. She is surrounded by trigonometry & frequency diagrams. Text: Don’t ever say to a geek “You do the maths.” We’ll stare at the ceiling for 5 minutes then say “72”, by which time you’ve forgotten the question.

Rocket Fuel

Rocket fuel is so toxic that over 55 years later nothing grows at the Apollo 11 landing site!

#Apollo #AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #Rocket

Recycling

Definition of irony: I just discovered my recycling bin has no recycling mark.

Meaning when it wears out or the council changes it I’ll have to send it to the landfill.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #Recycling

Julia sadly examines an Auckland Council recycling bin. Text: Definition of irony: I just discovered my recycling bin has no recycling mark. Meaning when it wears out or the council changes it I'll have to send it to the landfill.

Parallels

What about those parallel universes?

Like ours except for trivial changes.

Untold numbers of realities where Hillary was elected, dozens where Jacinda never replaced Little, a few where Trump was a good president and maybe even one where Windows doesn’t crash?

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #ParallelUniverses #Trump

Julia examines a diagramme of the history of the universe, Big Bang to Today. Text: What about those parallel universes? Like ours except for trivial changes. Untold numbers of realities where Hillary was elected, dozens where Jacinda never replaced Little, a few where Trump was a good president and maybe even one where Windows doesn’t crash?

Boundary Changes

They renamed the K-T boundary to the K-Pg boundary because the thought of asteroids wiping out the dinosaurs was too much for young children.

#Asteroid #AucklandComedy #Comedy #Dinosaurs #NZComedy

Julia is drinking from a disposable cup. Behind her the sky is orange with a giant meteor and dinosaurs are running away. Text: They renamed the K-T boundary to the K-Pg boundary because the thought of asteroids wiping out the dinosaurs was too much for young children.

Gum Crime

Gum crime is out of control!

Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #Shoe

Paralympics

One country’s athletes have been banned from Paralympics for doping.

The clue was their diabetic team weren’t in a coma.

#Athletes #AucklandComedy #Comedy #Diabetes #NZComedy #Paralympics

#nzcomedy

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