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Hedgehogs

Hedgehogs may look cuddly but they are selfish pricks.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Hedgehogs #NZComedy

Insomnia

Being an uber geek I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wondering about major issues like “Do earthworms have parasites?”

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #EarthWorms #Geek #NZComedy #Parasites

A woman holding her sheet up is crying in bed, an earthworm floats above her head. Text: Being an uber geek I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wondering about major issues like “Do earthworms have parasites?”

Ghostwriter

So ironic that I’m now DEATH’s ghostwriter.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #DEATH #GhostWriter #NZComedy

Drug of Choice

Celery. Get addicted to celery.

Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life.

Celery is the answer.

Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don’t mainline the bloody stuff!

#AucklandComedy #Celery #Comedy #Drugs #NZComedy

A happy Julia with her tongue sticking out holds a whole celery plant aloft. At her feet are several varieties of celery. Text: Celery. Get addicted to celery. Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life. Celery is the answer. Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don't mainline the bloody stuff!

Auto Corrupt?

I hate the way autocorrect manages to choose the wrong word.

The price of intelligibility is consonant vigilante.

#AucklandComedy #Autocorrect #Comedy #NZComedy

Julia is standing behind a burning computer. An anvil is hitting her on the head. Text: I hate the way autocorrect manages to choose the wrong word. The price of intelligibility is consonant vigilante.

Airline Food

Airline food’s bad because something has to make hospital food look good.

#Airline #AucklandComedy #Comedy #Food #NZComedy

Ride share

I stopped ride sharing when my car broke down underground.

My mechanic said it was the worst case of carpool tunnel syndrome he’d ever seen.

#AucklandComedy #Cars #Comedy #NZComedy #Rideshare #Tunnel

Julia is strap hanging in a bus or train. Text: I stopped ride sharing when my car broke down underground. My mechanic said it was the worst case of carpool tunnel syndrome he'd ever seen.

Moon Landing

I’m sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon’s 1934 Moon landing.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #ConspiracyTheorists #MoonLanding #NASA #NZComedy

Julia examines the spaceship from the 1934 movie Flash Gordon while another copy of her looks at the Apollo Luna lander. Text: I'm sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon's 1934 Moon landing.

Medical Care

Be careful what you wish for.

You might find a specialist who will prescribe it.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Medication #NZComedy #Specialist

A smiling Julia holds a tray with a teddy bear, towel, medicines, noodle soup with crackers a fruit drink and tea. Text: Be careful what you wish for. You might find a specialist who will prescribe it.

Air Miles

London to Sofia 2,013 km; Auckland to Sydney 2,223 km.

England is closer to Bulgaria than NZ to Australia yet we don’t confuse them.

#Airport #AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy

Julia gleefully sits on a giant paper dart. Text: London to Sofia 2,013 km; Auckland to Sydney 2,223 km. England is closer to Bulgaria than NZ to Australia yet we don’t confuse them.

Sleeping Dogs

My dog growls when he dreams.

I think he’s been sleeping ruff.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Dog #Dreamed #NZComedy #SleepingDog

New Names

Ever noticed how they like to invent new names for old things so they can claim they’re a new idea.

Take driverless cars, 40 years ago we just used to say “Forgot to put the handbrake on.”

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #DriverlessCars #NewNames #NZComedy

Julia stands beside a sports car. Text: Ever noticed how they like to invent new names for old things so they can claim they’re a new idea. Take driverless cars, 40 years ago we just used to say “Forgot to put the handbrake on.”

Writer’s Block?

I don’t have writer’s block!

I’ve been possessed by the ghost of Marcel Marceau!

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Mime #NZComedy #Writing

Marcel Marceau with eyes closed in concentration and his right hand raised palm front. Julia is imprisoned in a giant glass. Text: I don't have writer's block! I've been possessed by the ghost of Marcel Marceau!

Between the Ears

Gender is what’s between the ears, not what’s between the legs

…

My gender must be wax.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Ears #Gender #NZComedy

A brain with muscular arms lifts weights. Julia sits in a chair while facepalming. Text: Gender is what's between the ears, not what's between the legs ... My gender must be wax.

Half Cup

“Optimists say the cup is half full Pessimists say the cup is half empty. Julia doesn’t care as long as the half that’s there is coffee.”

— a former co-worker

#AucklandComedy #Coffee #Comedy #Drink #NZComedy

Julia holds a mug with a heart printed on it. Text: "Optimists say the cup is half full Pessimists say the cup is half empty. Julia doesn't care as long as the half that's there is coffee." -- a former co-worker

Yachts

Do yachts have “Sail by” dates?

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #SellBy #Yachts

Whiskey

If God had meant us to put ice in our whiskey they never would have given us the Sahara Desert!

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Ice #NZComedy #Whiskey

Julia sits at a bar staring at an empty glass with ice cubes in it. Text: If God had meant us to put ice in our whiskey they never would have given us the Sahara Desert!

Too Soon?

65.5 million years ago an asteroid crashed into Mexico and wiped out the dinosaurs, including those further north who hadn’t the foresight to build a wall.

Too soon?

#Asteroid #AucklandComedy #Comedy #Dinosaurs #NZComedy

A gleeful Julia rides on the back of a bipedal dinosaur. Text: 65.5 million years ago an asteroid crashed into Mexico and wiped out the dinosaurs. Including those further north who hadn't the foresight to build a wall. Too soon?

Jokes

Jokes: a moment on the lips and a lifetime on the quips.

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Jokes #NZComedy

Touring

Q: What do dead Kiwis tour Europe in?

A: VW Zombis.

(The mythological character formerly known as DEATH)

#AucklandComedy #Comedy #DEATH #Kiwis #NZComedy #Touring #Zombies

#NZComedy

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