@nixCraft your perspective could not possibly be more inimical to my existence. it feels naive or even smug. in my 40s i transitioned. it didn't work, coz i don't pass, so after several years of just trying to put on a brave face, i gave up & quit the physical world, staying home alone in my house. that was over two decades ago. in the intervening period, much of the world has descended into naked violence [rhetorical, political, legal, physical] against peeps like me, so the chances of me emerging from my home again are even less now in my 60s than in my later 40s & 50s. i'm glad if some humans sufficiently have their shit together to be as blasé as your statement, but hey, not all of us do.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

had a little chat thru the back screen door with him, asked if he'd like a glass of cold water. we reviewed the work done so far, what else is left, what he'll tackle next today, what he'll have to leave til next time coz soon he'll be running into the appointment time of his next job. on that, he mentioned

need to go around to a lady's place to sort out a lock for her

he seems a thoroughly pleasant & courteous bloke, has always been so with me in each of our prior discourses [ie, the previous jobs he's done for me], yet, such is my terrible skullgoo, that i fixed then fixated on his not saying

need to go around to another lady's place to sort out a lock for her

similar thing happens with my mowing bloke, who i've used for very many years & who has always been great with me [& indeed, we often indulge in much silly banter]. typically when he mentions other clients, jobs, to me, he similarly mentions "a lady" or "a woman", but not "another lady" or "another woman".

it all accumulates in me, & just amply reinforces my sense of failure, thus futility.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

handypeep running 50 minutes, & one month, late. already nervous-stewing in my throat-covering poloneck jumper & tinted facial spakfilla, now i have extra time for the defective skullgoo to run amok with my "equanimity" [sic].

sigh. wouldn't be dead for quids...

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

yet more nightmares of betrayal, failure, imposture

yet more daylight of utter despair

uh, must be a day ending in y

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

bbc.com/news/articles/c1dz0g2y…

in the 90s, i had to go to merka twice, many weeks at a time, for training at some of my small merkan multinational employer's sites

in the early to mid 00s i underwent my full #transition, over a three year period, whilst working for the ginormous merkan multinational that had in the meanwhile bought my hitherto employer. they were empathic & supportive of me throughout, for which i remained ever grateful, notwithstanding their frequently stupid merkan corporate culture & practices

over recent years i have often played a mind-game with myself, as i observe merka's descent into failed state status, a horrific fascist dystopia of hatred, violence, & idiocy, & ask myself "what would you have done, Droppie, if the timing had been different, such that you had been required to travel to that evil hellhole as it is now, in your post-transition sadly-unpassing present state?" ofc i am certain beyond a shadow of doubt i would have refused outright, so i wonder what that would have done to my employment, my career, my... well, lots of stuff.

#USPol #TuckFrump #FuckRWNJs #magamorons #FuckChristoFascists #FuckAllReligion #OrangeOaf #HeyFascistCatch
#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/a-social-lifeline-how-talking-cafes-are-supporting-older-australians-to-fight-loneliness/

Nice idea for those whom it can help. 👍💯

Kinda sorta implicitly presumes, though, that a peep is able & willing to be seen. 🤔

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

🤓 Oh, joy! Another Common Lisp library to help you parse your life decisions while you contemplate the futility of existence in parentheses. 🚀 Apparently, #GitHub thinks #AI can save your code, but not your soul. 💾
https://github.com/fosskers/parcom #CommonLisp #LifeDecisions #ExistentialFutility #HackerNews #ngated

@essjayjay This day, which surprises me each year as i never expect it [i'm completely apart from / outside of any sense of any "community", & events like this & Pride & Mardi Gras etc aren't even on my calendar so i never know they've happened til i read of them], always reinforces to me how very "other" i am. As a post-op transwoman who regards her transition as a failure [not coz i did it, only that it turned out so poorly], "visibility" is the thing most of all that is anathema to me. My entire objective & hope was for "invisibility". There's so much hype & razzmatazz around these days for being different including being visibly different [which i wanna emphasise is excellent & beautiful for all who derive succour & validation from that]. It makes me feel even more odd than already, knowing as i do how much i do not want nor enjoy being visibly different. 🤷‍♀️

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

I learned in fedi-posts/toots that yesterday/today [timezone crap] is apparently the annual Trans Day of Remembrance. I didn't know that, i didn't know there was such a thing [maybe it's a Merkan thing?]. Other times i read that it's annual Pride Day again, but similarly [though in this case yes i have heard of it] i never know it's coming, til i begin reading of it again. I live under my rock, keeping myself alone at home, participating in no LGBTQI community of any kind, not being activist in any way, just trying to be motivated enough to bother getting outta bed each morning. I wonder if more trans peeps are public & active, or solitary & inactive like me. I admire those with the courage, determination, fortitude, & self-confidence. I know how to spell those words, but that's all. Onya, fellow trans peeps. 🤗 💜

#LGBTQIA+ #Transphobia #Homophobia #Racism #Trans #TransRightsAreHumanRights #GayRights #WomensRights #Misogyny #FsckThePatriarchy #fsckALLreligion #RWNJs #FsckRWNJs #FsckChristoFacists #ChangeTheSystem #FuckAroundAndFindOut #Misanthropy #GayRepresentation #LesbianRepresentation #TransRepresentation #TDoR

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

@MsDropbear425

Well, hugs to you too!

I should be clear that my need to turn my phone off was not meant to be a humble brag that I have too many friends. Mainly I am just avoiding my boss.

There's nothing like seeing hashtags like #SelfLoathing and #ExistentialFutility to get me off my ass and realize that my life is not as bad as it could be.

I'm open to conversation, if that floats your boat at all. #SuicidalIdeation is my thang, and I'm oh so familiar with self loathing.

💙

@HackerNewsBot Good on her. The black dog is a horrible chronic illness. I'm more than twice her age, but wish this option also existed in Straya. I'd seriously consider it.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons

I feel this almost every day. Today i feel it even more intensely. It's all just shit, within & without.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons

#ClimateCrisis #NonLinear #TippingPoints #PositiveFeedbackLoops #FossilFools #RenewableEnergy #ChangeTheSystem #StateCapture #RightToProtest #Biodiversity #WeAreTotallyFscked #Misanthropy #Karma

#AusPol #Greens #VoteGreens #ProgIndies #WeAreTotallyFscked #WeAreSelfishCruelBastards #Misanthropy #FsckOffDutton! #ShitParty #ShitLiteParty #ComeOnTanya! #WhyIsLabor

#AusPol #TheVoice #iVotedYes #FsckenStrayaVotedNo #Racism #VotedNoGetKarmaComebackYouRedneckRacists #Misanthropy

#Atheism #fsckALLreligion #FsckChristoFacists #FsckSkyfairyDelusionists #FsckRWNJs #FsckThePatriarchy 🖕 #Feminism
♲ mastodon.world/@BeatlesLyricsB…

Of depression, psychological masking, elderly parent, & running outta spoons.

Last week, over various longish days, i needed to give my elderly dad various remote-access tech support multi-hours for his pc & a scanner issue. He's my dad, & i love him lots, but i often run outta spoons dealing with him, given the combo of his palpably diminishing mental acuity, & my parlous psychological state. T'other day he emailed me for more help, & within the last hour called me [which i chose not to pickup, & let go instead to voicemail]. I decided to send him this email, which i hope will remind him what's going on. Sigh. What a shit daughter i am for him.

Hi Dad

Is your phonecall today [in which msg you said it's not urgent] about the same thing as your email below [in which you said it's not urgent]? I've deliberately not replied yet to the email, as i was taking "not urgent" literally, & so was waiting til next week before getting back to you to show you what to do re your phone & pc.

Just some context to help [/remind] you understand. I am always depressed, & sad, & listless, & frequently crying. Some days it's less bad than others, some days it's worse. At the moment it's not good. Of course these days, & for many years as you know, i never see anyone, physically, but... even dealing with people just on the phone is extremely stressful for me, as i battle to try to mask my depression & pretend to be semi-cheery. This effort always makes me feel exhausted, & it always takes me many days to recover [somewhat]. So, i'm hoping that by next week it might return to being "less bad", & once there, i'll definitely get back to you to help you again.

Love, from your droppy bear.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons

The Good News:

• this arvo a peep is coming to my house to clean out all the blocked roof gutterings & valleys, which caused the internal leaks. 👍​

The Bad News:

• this arvo a peep is coming to my house 😱​

#LotsaRain #Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation