Lmst

It seems I have started to avoid people a little bit because of my #SDAM. I'm so aware of lacking things that even having a conversation with someone makes me panic about forgetting something big and important. It's like I'm having this huge secret I'm trying to keep. It's more than masking autism, its pretending that I have a life, a personality, a history, relationships. All this has been erased from my mind but I live in this world pretending I have these.

It's really lonely. And no one has any idea how this feels. (I've told two people in my life and they do remember it sometimes but it's not like they have to live with the condition 24/7.)

#TIL about severely deficient autobiographical memory - and maybe that's what it has been all along.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181112-severely-deficient-autobiographical-memory-is-surprisi

#SDAM

Someone I mentioned that despite being a fully adult, they had only just gone on their first date. 🎉

I realized my mental response might serve as a good example of living with severe memory issues.

I’m ~50. I honestly not sure if I’ve ever been on something that could be really be called a date.

I feel like surely I must have been, but I don’t know, and it feels like shit to think that I might’ve forgotten one with my wife.

#SDAM

#Introduction with a billion #hashtags...

I'm Alba, a #trans #nonbinay #bisexual #autistic #vegan #antifascist #activist from #Nijmegen, #NL. In addition to my #autism, I've also got #ADHD, #hyperlexia, related auditory processing and executive function issues, #aphantasia and #SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory). I'm an IT #tech at a large #international company, a volunteer for the #radical #intersectional #anticapitalist #political party #BIJ1 and a freelance #translator. I speak #Nederlands, #français, #English, #Deutsch and #Esperanto. I play #saxophone - I have a bari sax, a tenor sax and a soprano sax. I also have a #flute and a #ukelele but I don't play those nearly as well as the saxes. I love playing #TTRPG like #DnD5e and #PF2e, and I have two #cats, an orange slonk called Hobbes and a void chonk called Nita.

I used to hang out on mastodon.lol until early 2023 when that instance shut down. I then moved to todon.nl and recently decided to hop on to blahaj.zone :Blobhaj_Love:

Black cat Nita and orange tabby cat Hobbes lounging in the top bunk of their cat tree together. They're both looking straight at the camera.

#288.2 - JACK&JOZEF - Herinnering Steen?

#ad #nrc #vk #podcast #PodcastGemist #JackJozef #OmroepMax #BNNVARA #Schiedam #SDAM #VVD #politiek #weereendag #vpro #sbs6 #vandaaginside #RTL4 #media #talkshow #tv

Op 29 maart 2025 staan JACK&JOZEF in het Theater
https://theateraandeschie.nl/voorstelling/jack-jozef

Great read about aphantasia and SDAM: we all experience differently

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/27/sensory-memory-inner-life

#aphantasia #SDAM

A new morning. Trying to build my life once again. The first thing I happened to read was a toot about memory, and now I'm spiralling, again, thinking about how my life will always be this very thin layer, mostly forgotten even by myself. #SDAM

When I was a child I felt so alone even in my family. At nights I cried and when asked why, I said it was because nobody cared about me. I still feel the isolation. I know now I'm autistic and because of #SDAM I don't really have emotional memories, and a lot of loneliness comes from those two things. I still believe nobody cares about me, even if I can tell why I feel that way. It's tricky.

Another thing I've been thinking about today is why I love scars so much. I also love bruises I get from martial arts. I love the concreteness.

I think that's because of my SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory). I forget fast how things feel and the details of what happened. My past doesn't feel very real to me. But when I see the scar in my finger that I got when I worked in a shop in 2017 I have a proof that I actually worked there and remember something. #SDAM #ActuallyAutistic

Happy 1 yr birthday @Kitty’s #TuneTuesday

@Nicolaa came up with the prompt #IBoughtItFirst for today.

I really can’t remember my first record bought. My #SDAM hampers recollection of such memories.

My feeling says it probably was a Nena or Meatloaf record. I really only got into record buying when I lived in Toronto for a while. And here my feeling comes up with Crowded House, FYC, Guns N’ Roses INXS, Midnight Oil. They probably were purchased from Sam the Record Man Store on Yonge Street.

And I have a hard time making decisions about the future. Since my past doesn't make a coherent story that has feelings and emotions in it, how can I know what to choose now? How will I feel if I take this road? Or that? I have no idea. #SDAM

I'm thinking about the highs and lows in my life and how I forget how they felt. Like when I got awarded for one of my books. I guess it felt good? But now I only remember it vaguely. There was a lot of people, I hated the venue, I was so anxious I was shaking. But I must have felt good, too? I don't really remember. #SDAM

A poll for only those people with #aphantasia I'm curious about the #gender / #sdam (Seriously Deficient Autobiographical Memory) mix:

Related: I wish there were more poll options available to do this right….

Ok, what's been happening lately? I realised I'm having a monologue in my head about everything I do and feel. I suppose it has developed as a memory tool without me knowing I have #SDAM. I've spent my life talking to myself in my head about everything I do. It's really basic. "I have had three glasses of water today, I need to answer the email, I talked to a friend, they said this and I said this, I saw a bird outside in the morning, it moved quickly and I loved it" etc. etc. ->

Having #aphantasia intrigues me. I don't have any visuals in my mind. I'm wondering is that the reason I also have #SDAM. Or is it possible to have aphantasia and still have strong autobiographical memory? How do you remember your life if you can't bring back any visual memories?

I just realized that "going down a spiral staircase and wondering if you've actually been doing so for billions of years" probably doesn't happen to people who don't have #SDAM. Is this relatable?

I with some frequency complain about people "peopleing", so I think I should mention the good cases like today where people are accommodating/nice.

For work I need at times to provide feedback on peers, and I hate the system with a vengeance both in general and since they ask for specific examples for what people have done which is really hard with my #SDAM (as I mostly don't remember specific situations).

#ActuallyAutistic [1/x]

This brilliant video by Mica, @PonderfulYT, is as clear an explanation as you’ll find of the neurodiversity movement, neurodivergence and neurotypicality, and their relation to disability: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iicSLx19pc

And it’s not just good because Boba tries to steal the show! 😻

#NeurodiversityMovement #neurodiversity #neurodiverse
#neurodivergence #neurodivergent
#neurotypicality #neurotypical
#disability #disabled