It's okay to set boundaries with friends ❤️
Worrying about how others might react to your boundaries is completely normal. But instead of expecting a negative response, consider the possibility that your friend will listen and respect what you need.
#boundaries #selfawareness #selfesteem #mentaltraining #HR #familylife #codependent #codependency #codependencyrecovery #codependentnomore #boundariesarehealthy #boundariesarebeautiful #healthyboundaries #healthyboundariesforkindpeople #relationships
#codependent
I share this because if you come from a manipulative family or a codependent family, the grief can be mistaken for guilt or shame. Do not fall into that trap.
Do not put yourself back into a gaslit echo chamber unless you’re in a safe state of mind to do so. Do not compromise your morals and values for anyone. You don’t owe anyone anything.
I always imagined a partnership in this aligned way; where two people orbit each other, not complete one another. But with the repeated rhetoric of 'the other half' is severely #codependent, ... Reminding me I am not a half, but a whole and refraining from such unions where it is better to be safer and happier alone ...some of the loneliness times I've ever felt were when I was in a partnership where the invitation to connect was often overlooked or rejected 💔
This: https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170
And this:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4N4E68xBh5dnuhaTV9v0T2?si=5jpBEqk1Qwu5J4CuVSZwGg
Witnessing #codependent friends go into one relationship after another & never spending much time, truly doing self introspection - has never resulted in anything good or great.
It's resulted in witnessing more folks that I care about, harming themselves. There's very little I can do about that when people I care about, refuse to learn to do better for themselves & keep getting into new relationships before dealing with their past relationship traumas.
Nottingham based artist Juga-Naut brings us another track from his outstanding self-produced album Bem II. The video for Codependent features a collage of images, words and sounds. Juga-Naut explains, " kind of how my brain works".
https://www.britishhiphop.co.uk/downloads/video/juga-naut-codependent-video.html
@dangoodin Being on #Xhitter is very much like being in a #Codependent relationship. The #SelfAbuse and #MutualAbuse has been normalized and people start to crave it and expect it.
Funny how I now think of people who stick around on #Xhitter such as #ProminentJournalists as being in a #Codependent #Relationship. They #Normalize the #Abuse and come to expect it and participate in it--like all good codependents do.
@dangoodin #ProminentJournalists in a #Codependent #Relationship #Normalize the #Abuse and come to expect it and participate in it--like all good codependents do.
[Audio] #BigMoodLittleMood
Take What You Like
#Talking about the #codependent #dance and #family #transphobia with #guest #KatieLawlerTurnbull.
#Women #Transgender #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #Family #Relationships #Hate #Bigotry #Transphobia
#Lovebombing boosted with #texting is the equivalent of a #dopamine relationship speedball (cocaine and heroin). Separately, both love bombing and text messaging can create potent dopamine brain baths. Together, they’re a powerfully destructive combination.
Dopamine creates intense wanting that leads to seeking behavior. Seeking eventually leads to a reward – the release of endorphins and other feel good neurochemicals. Reward reinforces the wanting and seeking behavior that, in turn, leads to more reward. This is called a dopamine loop and it can be incredibly addictive.
Whether it’s wanting and seeking more validation of ever increasing love bombing in person or via text or on social media – you need more and more of it to get the same intense rush. Especially when everything is shiny and new, or rather, shiny and new narcissistic supply.
Therefore, when dating, resist the urge to text excessively. First, if you’ve met someone who’s not a personality disordered abuser, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. For example, you find each other on one of those god awful apps. And then you text each other like teenagers for two weeks before the first coffee date.
Dopamine! Dopamine!! DOPAMINE!!!
No normal human being of reasonable attractiveness can live up to a 2 week long dopamine binge. Regardless of how kind, intelligent and interesting they actually are. She or he will likely disappoint due to the unrealistic anticipation of the texting dopamine high.
Second, let’s say Dopamine Damsel or Dopamine Dude, does meet your wild expectations. She or he could very well be your next #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic nutter. In order to keep the dopamine loop looping, the reward needs to be obtained and then increased. And who can top the intensity of the pre-meet text-fest in person?
A person who can be intensely charming, intensely engaging and intensely provocative, flirtatious and seductive. Someone who’ll contort and shape shift themselves (i.e., #mirroring) into being anything and everything they think you want them to be to get you to fall in love with them. Again, it’s likely to be another #NPD, #BPD or #HPD nightmare.
Third, a person who’s willing and/or able to begin texting a stranger excessively from morning to night, well, I have questions. Like do they have a job? Friends, family or pets? Anything in their life that requires attention and responsibility? Do they have impulse control and self-restraint? The ability for delayed gratification? Hobbies and interests that don’t involve their phones, social media and dating apps?
Best case scenario, it’s another #codependent looking for their next intense dopamine relationship disaster. Worst case scenario, it’s the next disaster.
#NarcissistDictionary: “I hate you!!!”
When a #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic or other #ClusterB variety pack says, "I love you" it doesn't mean "I love you" the way it does to a normal or a #codependent. Their declarations of love are intense, but superficial. “I love you means” they see you as all good in that moment.
A #NPD, #BPD or #HPD loves you when you make them feel good about themselves. They love you when they're getting everything they want. This is the pleasurable side of splitting.
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#Narcissists, #borderlines and #histrionics love the way toddlers and teens love. Their construct of you is dependent on their immediate ego and feelings states. This is why you can be their soulmate on Monday and by Thursday they’re sharing photos of themselves with their newest soulmate.
Just like kids often have a new #FavoritePerson every few months. The instant there's a disappointment, frustration or a new shiny object they drop their best friend.
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Alternately, "I hate you" actually means they hate you. Ultimately, narcissists hate everyone and respect no one. They hate you because:
• You see their limitations, flaws and pathology.
• You told them no.
• You held them accountable for lying or cruel behavior.
• You're not okay with their cheating.
• You don’t #enable them anymore.
• They can’t possess your goodness and talent.
• You didn't buy them a pony.
What does love mean to you? Does it mean suffering abuse to prove you're a good and loyal person? Does it mean allowing someone to hurt you in the hopes that they'll love you? What's your half of the equation?
If you’re confused because they ping pong between loving you and hating you, then be confused no more. These individuals are incapable of enduring mature adult love.
There’s really no difference between the #LoveBombing pedestal (#idealization) and the it’s all your fault POS status (#devaluation). While one feels better than the other, both are equally meaningless. They’re just different versions of the same #manipulation. The carrot and the stick are one and the same to the #codependent #PeoplePleaser.
Meaning, both conditions can’t simultaneously be true. You can’t be the most amazing, special-est man/woman ever and the most horrible person ever. Especially when a #borderline, #narcissist or #histrionic partner vacillates between the two extremes multiple times within the same hour.
But which one is true? Again, neither.
So many clients are easily manipulated by the mercurial opinion of their #BPD, #NPD or #HPD partner. It's the reason they walk on eggshells. #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder-ed people don’t have a cohesive, stable sense of themselves (i.e., #construct). Hence their rage and perceived #victimhood at the smallest and/or imaginary slight or criticism. As such, their construct of other people – including you -- is similarly unstable.
“You bought me a new car!!! Yay!!! I love you!!! Thank you, daddy!!!! Best daddy ever!!!!!”
“You won’t let me have a third cookie!!!! Mean mommy!!! I hate you!!!!!”
Therefore, any approval from a BPD, HPD or NPD person is meaningless if it can change on a dime. This becomes a manipulation tactic once they figure out the power they can wield by alternating withholding love or blowing smoke up your butt (i.e., variable ratio reinforcement schedule).
It’s all the same to them.
In my experience, these individuals enjoy being cruel more and resent having to love bomb or #Hoover. The overt cruelty is more enjoyable because of the contempt they feel for you for tolerating their abuse. I also suspect it makes them feel more powerful when their victim grovels for love. Contemptuous and powerful.
Furthermore, healthy adults don't change their opinion of you just because they occasionally feel irritated, hurt or disappointed by you. In fact, healthy adults can still love and respect their partner even when they’re super angry with them. And can do so without engaging in wanton cruelty or childish nonsense. Imagine that!
If you're still trying to make it work with a disordered partner because you don't think you can live without their approval, please understand that for which you’re tolerating abuse IS NOT REAL. It’s your codependency and need for external validation from someone who'll never be capable of giving it to you that's real. They'll continue to exploit your vulnerabilities and abuse you for as long as you're willing to suffer it and them.
"To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments.
To honor the self is to be willing to know not only what we think but also what we feel, what we want, need, desire, suffer over, are frightened or angered by—and to accept our right to experience such feelings. The opposite of this attitude is denial, disowning, repression—self-repudiation.
To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance—which means to accept what we are, without self-oppression or self-castigation, without any pretense about the truth of our own being, pretense aimed at deceiving either ourselves or anyone else.
To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings.
To honor the self is to refuse to accept unearned guilt, and to do our best to correct such guilt as we may have earned.
To honor the self is to be committed to our right to exist which proceeds from the knowledge that our life does not belong to others and that we are not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. To many people, this is a terrifying responsibility.
To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall argue, requires enormous independence, courage, and integrity.
We need to love ourselves and make a commitment to ourselves. We need to give ourselves some of the boundless loyalty that so many codependents are willing to give others. Out of high self-esteem will come true acts of kindness and charity, not selfishness.
The love we give and receive will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves."
-- Melody Beattie: #Codependent No More
Something I leaned in #therapy many years ago is that I don't have to give a reason why I am unable to do something. Like respond to emails right away. It was a completely eye opening moment in therapy. I can just do things when I have time and not even mention being late. I still often feel like I should have an excuse but I quickly qwash that feeling! #response #MentalHealth #codependent #EyeOpening #LightBulbMoment
#ParallelParenting is the only viable way to go if you share #custody with a #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline ex.
Until the kids age out, you can’t go full #NoContact. Parallel parenting is basically a #LowContact model of #coparenting for #HighConflict people who are psychologically incapable of co-parenting. The premise being that it’s not divorce that is damaging to children, but rather parents who continue to engage in conflict after the #divorce. You hash out as many kid decisions in the custody agreement so there’s theoretically less to argue about later. Although, Crazy will often want to argue about things they’ve already agreed to.
#BIFF communication is an important skillset and vital to successful parallel parenting. BIFF stands for brief, informative, firm and friendly. However, I think that friendly often signals “bulldoze my #boundaries,” and recommend a civil business tone.
The #BPD, #NPD, #HPD ex will continue to be provocative and try to engage you via inflammatory emails/texts using a combination of character assassination, #gaslighting, #projection, #FalseAllegations and #DARVO. In other words, the same old same old.
If you’re doing BIFF well, you don’t bite on any of the emotional baiting. You learn to ignore the bullshit and only reply to legitimate kid issues. This can be incredibly difficult. Especially if you’re prone to #JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) and have other #codependent #PeoplePleaser traits.
This is why having a menu of canned responses can be helpful. For example, if your #CrazyEx is a “I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!!! IF YOU DON’T REPLY IMMEDIATELY, I’LL TAKE YOU BACK TO COURT AND TELL THE JUDGE YOU REFUSE TO COPARENT! IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM YOU IN 30 SECONDS, I’M GOING TO TAKE THAT AS A YES AND DO WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYWAY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I’M NOT YOUR VICTIM ANYMORE!!!”
Ordinarily, I recommend ignoring this kind of message for kid non-emergencies (e.g., BBB - blood, broken bones, brain damage). Are you concerned the ex will, for example, book a non-refundable vacation during your custody time, get the kids excited and thereby set you up to be the bad guy when you say no (as you should when a BPD/NPD/HPD pulls that kind of power stunt)? Then you can reply, “I’ll think about it and get back to you in a few days.” And then ignore the ensuing #AdultTemperTantrum.
I recommend doing this even if you already know your answer is No. Why? To train the ex not to expect instant replies. Depending on the severity of the ex’s #ClusterB pathology, that may never happen. Nevertheless, it’s important to have boundaries even if they don’t respect them. One, because it’s healthy for you. Two, if you have a semi-rational/semi-unbiased judge and/or kid therapist, they’ll be better able to see who the problem parent is.
So much more action on the #OurTime app after adding #codependent to my bio 👍🏼
#today is my fiancés first day of class after work and it lasts from 5pm-9pm which means I’ll be alone til ab 9:30 tonight. The #codependent in me is screeching and hating it but the #introvert or maybe it’s the #ActuallyAutistic in me is excited to have extended alone time. So as per usual I am as my description states a walking contradiction. #FASD #ADHD
There’s a big difference between being #alone and feeling all alone. Typically, clients often feel less lonely/all alone as singles than when with their exes. That’s because you are alone in a relationship with a #narcissist, #borderline, #histionic or #psychopath.
Alone in effort, #intimacy peace-keeping, problem-solving, etc. Your needs, feelings and wants don’t matter. You only exist as an ego-gratifying object and scapegoat. Presumably, you’re also all alone in terms of emotional and psychological maturity, empathy, accountability, integrity and conscience. In some ways, you’re the single parent of an angry, cruel, selfish, pathologically dishonest, destructive adult toddler you can’t put in timeout. In this respect, I agree that being a single parent of an adult toddler is the toughest job there is ; )
Why are you all alone in a relationship with a #BPD, #NPD, #HPD?
1) The #lovebomb version of them at the beginning of the relationship wasn’t real. It’s a patchwork of #idealization, #mirroring, #projection, #TraumaBonding via #intensity and #bullshit.
2) It’s impossible for an adult to have an equal/equitable partnership with a child. This includes the #AdultToddler of the #ClusterB variety pack. They don’t want a partner; they want enablers. Even if you enable like an Olympic champion-level doormat/nanny/ego fluffer, they’ll eventually resent you for that, too. And then, the more you enable them – which is super unhealthy, btw – the worse they treat you.
3) Relationships with BPD/NPD/HPD aren’t two-way streets (i.e., mutual and reciprocal). They’re one-way streets paved with double standards. These individuals are pathologically self-absorbed and selfish.
4) After the #LoveBombing stage, you become a screen onto which they #project all of their flaws and psychological sewage. Objective reality is irrelevant.
You are alone in these relationships because you never really existed to them in the first place. Meaning, they never really appreciate a partner for who they truly are. But rather how willing you are to:
- Tolerate abuse and exploitation.
- #Enable them.
- Sacrifice/care for them without getting anything in return.
- Never hold them accountable.
Basically, any #codependent, trauma bond/ #RepetitionCompulsion/ #PeoplePleaser/ #fixer/ #resuer will do.
Therefore, isn’t it better to be alone than to feel all alone in a #ToxicRelationship? Or, to be alone rather than wish you were alone? Table for one, please!
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